Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Much Too Long Away...

I can't believe the last time I wrote here was August of 2015. I haven't been good at coming back here to check-in and as I have said prior, not sure how many people even visit anymore. Time does heal (somewhat) and for me it has been over 6 years since the decision to remain childless. I have very brief periods now of mourning over what should or could have been and that is good. I realize now, how depressed I was back then over not being able to hold a pregnancy...those were very hard times. Now, that I am approaching 50 next May, it seems like those feelings of hopelessness and yearning for a child with each year, get fewer and fewer. I know, 50 isn't old, but to be in the place I was 6 years ago now, I doubt I would have handled it well now. There are occasions were I think about the what ifs, but they are far and few between now.

As far as my professional career goes, I have since left my old job - back in April 2016. I had decided enough was enough. I wanted to be back in a private school environment so I was lucky enough to find an opening in a school within 30 mins. from home. The other job was making me miserable trying to deal with my boss and to top it off, I overheard her saying untruthful things about my work performance to another co-worker about me behind closed doors after hours. I knew right then and there, it was truly time to "jet". Plus, I was underpaid and overworked there and we were struggling financially at home. The main reason I took that job was due to being laid off from the previous private school position in June 2014. I always knew I wanted to go back to a school environment.

Now, I am at the 6 month mark at my new job. I definitely love the environment here, seeing the students and the educational feeling of campus. The job is stressful though at times and expectations are high. I just came off of our department hosting 4 events in a mere 4 weeks...truly hellish. I am in a larger department than I have ever been, but still doesn't seem to have helped much, plus we lost a person in early September and haven't replaced her yet. Sadly, there are a few people in my department, that I truly feel don't carry their weight. They always seem to have reason for not being able to do something or staying later than normal. This is when, in particular, I get really upset that I am childless and I truly feel since I don't have a child to pick up from school, or a sport activity to attend, that I am looked upon to stay - well, why not, she only has a husband to go home too, right? I have always felt like this in some form or other through out my whole career. It is starting to get a little overwhelming with the amount of extra hours I have been putting in, that I have decided I need to let some things fall by the way side to make the higher ups realize the pressure it puts on me. Yesterday was the first time in weeks I actually left on time.

E and I will be leaving for vacation next week to visit his parents (been going there since 2006, love my in-laws but so tried of using my vacation time for this...would rather be going to an island, LOL), so at least I will get away for awhile, but again, just to get away for a week, means I have to train another person or two in my department to do my job. A job, that I am still learning, remember only 6 months, but people seem to forget that after a few months. I have to start putting my life first again because I do find it is so easy to get sucked into your career when you are childless. Thankfully, there aren't any more events for the rest of the year.

The best part of my life, is that I am still low carb and it will be 4 years this January since I lost the weight and have been able to keep it off. I can't be more thrilled. At least this is one area of my life that I have struggled with continuously since grammar school that I don't think about on a daily basis anymore. I have finally found peace with my weight and I love my lifestyle of eating now. I am so fortunate that I love to cook because I believe it is one of the biggest reason I have been successful at this lifestyle. You have to be willing to make the time to cook low carb for your meals to stay on track. I bring my lunch everyday, even though lunch is offered here at my job. There is very little temptation for me to cheat!

Recent photo:

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Alive and Well...

I don't know how many of you are still out there and stop by on my blog anymore since it has been just about a year since I last posted. I wrote last about getting a new job and here it will a year on Tuesday I have been at this job. Things are going better, but I have to say during first six months it was difficult at times and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to stay there, but I have stayed. Partly due to the fact that I just haven't seen anything else out in the job market that is better and the ones I have sent resumes to I haven't heard back from which is one of my biggest pet peeves with employers these days. I truly feel that if you take the time to send in a resume, you should receive some kind of acknowledgement for this task. I guess this comes from my work ethic and my past job responsibililties where I was the one to write to prespective employees "a thanks, but no thanks letter."

Anyway, I have decided to stay at the my current job for now (but I do continue to look). I am trying to focus on some of the positives this job offers instead of the negative and to be happy. The one thing I continuely remind myself of especially when I come to this blog, is how far I have come over the last 5 years and how I don't want to go backwards. Both with the depression over not being able to have a child, being overweight and uncomfortable in my own skin. I have made huge strides in both these areas.

It has been over 2 1/2 years now since I discovered the low-carb lifestyle and lost 50 pounds. It was a huge life changer for me and continues to amaze me daily. I live this lifestyle to the best of my ability on a daily basis, sometimes more dedicated than others as I will admit that I have put on 5 pounds this summer because of letting down my guard and relaxing my food choices. Am I upset with myself, yes, but do I beat myself up about it, no. That is the worst thing I could do because then I would feel miserable and would revert back to eating the way I use to and the cycle would begin all over again, and where would that get me? Instead I just push forward, admit I ate badly yesterday, but turn right back to low carb the next day. I know this is hard for many people to understand as I belong to many low carb blogs and facebook pages and read them daily how people fall off the wagon. The one thing I think that these people are missing is that this isn't a quick fix/diet, you have to want it badly and it is work (hard and frustrating at times), and it will not happen overnight. It took me years to put on the weight and it took me that long to take it off and I wanted it slow and steady! I had seen and read stories of people who took it off too fast and it didn't last. Sadly we are a society of "I want it now and I want it fast" and that just doesn't work when trying to keep the weight off. I am extremely proud of my accomplishment in this area and when I have those days (and I do still have them) when I am frustrated and want to eat badly and have those voices in my head saying, eat that ice cream, cake, bread, rice or pasta, I remind myself of how far I have come and how good I feel about myself. There is something to be said about looking into a mirror and truly liking the person you see...being happy and content within your own skin in that moment...I have more days like this than not.

Lastly, over the last 3 years we had developed a good friendship with a couple who had lived across the street from our previous rental home who happen to be about 10 years younger with us and childless. This friendship had blossomed so much that we were getting together with them almost every month. Last April, we purchased our home and moved about 25 mins. north from them, but still were able to get together every other month. Last October, we had them over for dinner in our new home and they had told us they had been trying to have a child over almost 2 years now without success. She had been to her gyn doctor who put her on meds to see if that would help, but nothing and she has felt awful on them as well. They at that point decided they didn't want to go any further with medical intervention and had turned toward international adoption. April 2014 they had filled out paperwork because they didn't have any desire to do domestic back then due to the fact they didn't like the whole idea of a possible birth mom coming back into their lives. In October 2014 at our dinner together, they had gotten a phone call from their adoption agency about a domestic adoption that was available. The birth mother was very close to her due date (within 2 weeks at this point). They described the circumstances to us that night and I was concerned...it was a 26 year old female, not married, but boyfriend in her life, her parents were divided on the adoption (Dad wanted it, but her Mom not)and boyfriend's parents didn't know about pregnancy even. I just didn't have a good feeling about this working out for our friends from that night on. They kept us posted over the next month and sadly in the end the birth mother old decided to keep the baby. Our friends were so hurt, especially the wife. I felt horrible for them and really thought they won't even want to go through now with an international adoption, but just 1 1/2 months later at their house over Christmas, they show us a picture of a toddler boy in China who has a deformity...one of his ears is located lower on the side of his face and smaller but otherwise looked healthy and happy. They told us they wanted to pursue adopting him and that they choose a "special needs" child because getting a "normal" child from China could take up to 10 years! I was happy for them, but also kind of feeling selfishly sad at the same time for fear that our friendship was now going to change somewhat - they would have a responsibility to a child now, no freedom to go out on a whim, etc. We saw them again about 2 months later and at that point it was a 99% sure they were getting the little boy, then they shared with us about a little Chinese girl...not related to the boy, 18 months and not from the same orphanage. This time we didn't get to see a picture, but told she was also a "special needs" child with way more medical issues than the boy. Now we sat there in somewhat of a shock and tried our best to be encouraging and happy for them. After they left our house that night, we were now very concerned for them. We had a very hard time understanding the "why" of taking on such a challenge. Over the last few months, we have only seen them occasionally as they prepared their home and lives to accept these children. In late May of this year, they traveled to China to get them and over that 2 week period, they sent us and others updates on how it was going. They came home in early June and not two days after the wife with the little girl called "V" headed to the hospital for a 42 day stay. Over that period, I received occasional updates on how things were going with "V" in the hospital...not feeding well, seizures, can't sit up without assistance, low muscle tone, possible CP, etc? My concerned level was extremely high at this point. Last Saturday, they held the Baptism for both kids, only 1 1/2 weeks after coming home from the hospital with "V". I thought it was very fast invitation without a lot of notice. I know realize the why behind all of this now. Ourselves and another couple were the only ones attending at the church, so very small. We went back to their house for lunch and cake afterwards and here is where I got to see "V" and hear about her medical issues. She is fed by a G-tube because she can't take in food via the normal way due to problems with her throat, possible skin growth or flap not right. She is on 5 different meds for infantile seizures and etc. She can't sit up/crawl or even walk. She was in the stroller most of time besides being held by someone. She can't follow you with her eyes, doesn't smile back at you and has heavy breathing like wheezing. I didn't get much of an opportunity to talk face to face with the wife, but got most this information from the husband's mother who was there visiting from Colorado for the past month helping out with the little boy called "E".

I hope that within the next few weeks I will get a text, email or call from the wife saying she would like to chat because I have a strong sense that this has turned into something much bigger than they had thought, hoped or wished for and life definitely as they had once known it has been changed. All I have ever wanted for them was happiness and I pray everyday that things will turn out that way. I have talked with my family and friends about this and most people don't understand why they choose to adopt 2 toddlers at once and especially one with very special needs. The more and more I talk with people and think about the "why", I think I have come to a realization that my friends are very special people who wanted nothing more than to have children and this was an opportunity presented to them and they accepted it. I also have realized that "V" probably would still be in that orphanage hadn't my friends taken here to the USA to get medical care and maybe just maybe she will have a good life for as long as she is here on this earth. God bless that there are people like our friends who can take on such a challenge...it is not something that my hubs or I could have ever considered or done.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

10 Questions

10 Questions

1. When was the last time you cut your hair? Did you like the haircut? Sometime in November I got another perm and had my hairdresser just do a trim. I really like my hair curly and long now.

2. Grapes with seeds or seedless? Grapes - seedless but I don't eat them much anymore since being on low-carb.

3. When was the last time you went to a fancy party? What did you wear? I haven't been to one in a very long time. I am looking forward to hub's nephew getting married next January and looking for a dress in a much smaller size!

4. What colour is your bedroom wall? Right now, it is a peachy color from the former owners as we haven't gotten around to painting it yet. I want to do a warm yellow.

5. The worst smell in the world is… vomit - I have a very weak gag reflex!

6. Last thing you spat out. My own hair.

7. Do you sing when no one is around? What do you usually sing? Yes. Love country music.

8. Your least favourite name: Jane

9. Did you like the food served at the last dinner party you went to? Yes

10. What is your most prized possession? Would you kill a unicorn in order to save your most prized possession? My engagement and wedding rings and sadly I couldn't kill any living thing.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

My Low Carb Lifestyle

It will be 2 years this January since I started eating low carb and lost 50 pounds so far. Right now I have been maintaining my weight for the last 4 months and I am fine with that. If I do lose another 10 pounds, I would be thrilled but I am content where I am currently. I am finally getting the chance to wear clothes that I haven't dreamt of wearing in years and in a size I haven't been in more than 13 years! It feels so darn good and what I love the best is that I don't feel like I am dieting and it is a struggle every day like I did when I ate low-fat. I have so many choices in food and I belong to so many low-carb blogs on facebook that I never run out of recipes to make. I think the one benefit I have is that I truly love to cook and that I am content in the kitchen on the weekends to make meals for the upcoming week. I am particularly happy that Fall is here (which is one of my favorite seasons)and can't wait to make recipes with Fall type foods like pumpkins and different squashes. E and I went to an orchard last week to go get apples (now mind you, apple aren't low carb) but I absolutely love making apple pies and will make an exception during the time of year to make some. I usually make the bigger pies for family and friends and then make a smaller one for E and I. I love the cool crisp weather and the beautiful color of the leaves during this time of year. It really does motivate me to want to get up and do things both in and out of the house. So, I leave you with a current picture of myself that makes me smile and say "I really love this person in the mirror looking back at me now."

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The New Job

Well, next week it will be 2 months on the new job and so far it has been going well. I love the environment - most people are very outgoing and happy to be working here. Lots of them have been here for many years. My immediate boss use to do my current job and got promote right before I was hired to do her old job. She is learning her responsibilities along with me learning mine which can be frustrating at times. She is very nervous about proving herself to her peers (she gets flustered very easily and her brain is always going a hundred miles a minute) which can make it tough for me to keep track of what she is teaching me. I have taken tons of notes and I know in time it will come more quickly to me. One of the things that I am having to get use to that is alittle hard is sharing an office with her. For most of my last 12 years in non-profit I have had my own office. As you know everyone has their own style and personality, my boss tends to be very loud on the phone, her desk is disorganized and when she is teaching me things she comes over with her chair and almost sits in my lap (doesn't get personal space...such a big pet peeve of mine). She also is in the habit of taking things (pens, stapler and ruler, etc.) off my desk and not realizing it until I ask for it back. I believe I have solved this issue by locking these in my desk before I leave at night. I am the type of person that likes my own things and hardly ever borrows from people and if so always returns them the minute I am done (of course I always ask first). All these issues aside, I do like her and she seems like she appreciates the work I do and respects my past experience doing this type of work. I truly think from what she has told me about the past person who left after one year (whose job she has now), she never truly got along with her and didn't agree with the way things were handled by her. This may be why she is trying so hard. I just hope that she doesn't make herself "sick" or burn herself out by the end of her first year. She works late hours and comes in on weekends (which I already stated to her how I have seen people I worked with prior in this line of work - crash and burn from this so easily). Time will tell, but one thing I know for sure for myself - I have walked that road before totally stressed and I will not go down that road myself. I was very upfront about having a good work/life balance which is the reason why I took the hours they offered me of working 8 a.m. - 3:30 p.m. - this is so important to me. I have attended meetings in the evenings here already - but I come in and work my normal hours and then come back for the meetings in the evenings (advantage of living closer). It works so well for me that I plan on continuing it.

All in all, I am pretty happy with my decision on taking this job. I feel very lucky that my job hunt didn't take many many months as I realize that jobs aren't as plentiful as years ago...tough job market out there today...more people looking for employment.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Got a Job!

Promise to write more detail about this later but I accepted a position with a neighboring town's library working in development (very similar to what I was doing in my previous job) Very excited about the new experiences and challenges that will come from this position. It will still have the good work life balance that I so desire at this stage in life. I start this coming Monday. Off to get my oil change in my car and run errands now!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Laid Off

Yes you read that correctly...last month I was laid off from my school position. Was it a shock well yes and no. Yes because I didnt really see it coming but no that I should have with the hiring of the new boss last year. I know I wrote aliitle about how the boss who originally hired me retired last year who I loved and got along famously with and how they hired this new person who is also a parent of a child at the school and who I have never felt close to and never really felt like she wanted to really get to know me or my skill set. Well she and the head of school decided to restructure the department so both myself and my co worker (who had been there 15 years and will be 65 years old in September and cant afford to retire) were not given renewed contracts at the end of this school year.

So I have been unemployed now for a month and searching hard because that is how I roll and we just purchased a new home 3 months ago and I need to work not only for the money but also for health benefits for both E and I. Been on a couple of interviews....two with which they chose someone else and one I am still interviewing with...second interview this Tuesday. Up till this point I have been strong and going with the flow but I know deep down inside I am scared of not getting something and more importantly getting a job I truly like.

Being that it is the summer and most schools both public and private are looking for people now to fill for September the timing is good and it has been nice so far to have this time off during the summer with the beautiful weather...enjoying our pool...being able to get together more often with friends and family. But I dont want to see it drag into the fall/winter months because I seriously wont be in a good place mentally.

See after the finding out we were going to be childless and accepting that I personally need to have a job doing something I enjoy or at least feel challenged by...this is how I am wired. I need to be doing stuff in order to feel whole. If we were to have had a child being a a mom would have been enough and I probably wouldn't have focus on my job as much...it would have been just a paycheck and that is all. Now that isn't the case and I need more than just the paycheck. I need to know that what I do at my job fills me up and makes me happy because this is what is important to me at this stage of my life.

Please pray that whichever position comes my way that it will speak to me and make me feel like this is where I am meant to be!