I can't believe the last time I wrote here was August of 2015. I haven't been good at coming back here to check-in and as I have said prior, not sure how many people even visit anymore. Time does heal (somewhat) and for me it has been over 6 years since the decision to remain childless. I have very brief periods now of mourning over what should or could have been and that is good. I realize now, how depressed I was back then over not being able to hold a pregnancy...those were very hard times. Now, that I am approaching 50 next May, it seems like those feelings of hopelessness and yearning for a child with each year, get fewer and fewer. I know, 50 isn't old, but to be in the place I was 6 years ago now, I doubt I would have handled it well now. There are occasions were I think about the what ifs, but they are far and few between now.
As far as my professional career goes, I have since left my old job - back in April 2016. I had decided enough was enough. I wanted to be back in a private school environment so I was lucky enough to find an opening in a school within 30 mins. from home. The other job was making me miserable trying to deal with my boss and to top it off, I overheard her saying untruthful things about my work performance to another co-worker about me behind closed doors after hours. I knew right then and there, it was truly time to "jet". Plus, I was underpaid and overworked there and we were struggling financially at home. The main reason I took that job was due to being laid off from the previous private school position in June 2014. I always knew I wanted to go back to a school environment.
Now, I am at the 6 month mark at my new job. I definitely love the environment here, seeing the students and the educational feeling of campus. The job is stressful though at times and expectations are high. I just came off of our department hosting 4 events in a mere 4 weeks...truly hellish. I am in a larger department than I have ever been, but still doesn't seem to have helped much, plus we lost a person in early September and haven't replaced her yet. Sadly, there are a few people in my department, that I truly feel don't carry their weight. They always seem to have reason for not being able to do something or staying later than normal. This is when, in particular, I get really upset that I am childless and I truly feel since I don't have a child to pick up from school, or a sport activity to attend, that I am looked upon to stay - well, why not, she only has a husband to go home too, right? I have always felt like this in some form or other through out my whole career. It is starting to get a little overwhelming with the amount of extra hours I have been putting in, that I have decided I need to let some things fall by the way side to make the higher ups realize the pressure it puts on me. Yesterday was the first time in weeks I actually left on time.
E and I will be leaving for vacation next week to visit his parents (been going there since 2006, love my in-laws but so tried of using my vacation time for this...would rather be going to an island, LOL), so at least I will get away for awhile, but again, just to get away for a week, means I have to train another person or two in my department to do my job. A job, that I am still learning, remember only 6 months, but people seem to forget that after a few months. I have to start putting my life first again because I do find it is so easy to get sucked into your career when you are childless. Thankfully, there aren't any more events for the rest of the year.
The best part of my life, is that I am still low carb and it will be 4 years this January since I lost the weight and have been able to keep it off. I can't be more thrilled. At least this is one area of my life that I have struggled with continuously since grammar school that I don't think about on a daily basis anymore. I have finally found peace with my weight and I love my lifestyle of eating now. I am so fortunate that I love to cook because I believe it is one of the biggest reason I have been successful at this lifestyle. You have to be willing to make the time to cook low carb for your meals to stay on track. I bring my lunch everyday, even though lunch is offered here at my job. There is very little temptation for me to cheat!