Life in Our 40s As A Childless Couple - The Ups and Downs

New GYN

2012-01-11T09:30:00.000-05:00

I went to my appt. yesterday with a new GYN, Dr. F, and I am happy to report I really like her. Her speciality is in menopause so I was very excited to talk with her about my symptoms. I brought along all the bloodwork that was done in late 2010 by the RE and also a timeline of AF (or lack thereof) from the miscarriage up till now. We sat in her office for the first 15 mins. of the appt going over my history and she reconfirmed for me that she thinks I am in menopause and that if I get one or two periods in the next year that would be it. She also explained why it beneficial for me due to my early age of being in menopause that I do go on HRT - one to calm the hot flashes, two for bone health and cholestrol/heart and I still have another 8 or so years before I reach the "norm" age of menopause so I wouldn't have the concern of cervical cancer like most women worried about at that age. She also explained that it will help with my weight loss as well because the HRT will help with the way my body is storing fat which is mostly in my middle section (which I always thought the HRT would make me gain weight). When we went to do my pap, I didn't mention to her about the polyp that Dr. G. (my old gyn) had seen back in late 2009 at that appt. So, when she did notice it she took it right off...now way the HELL didn't Dr. G. do that?? She did say that 99% of the time those polyps are non-cancerous - good to know...Dr. G. never mentioned that.

So, I walked out of this appt. feeling much better about things overall and I really liked her personality and felt very comfortable talking with her. I will be starting the HPT over this weekend - one will be a estrogen patch and the other an oral progestrin (which I shouldn't get any periods with, but might get some break thru bleeding).

She also said after looking at my FSH from that bloodwork that was taken in late 2010 and here we are almost a full year later that the only way I would be able to achieve a viable pregnancy now would be donor eggs. I told her thanks for telling me (I knew this in my heart) and that we have made our decision to live a childless life and I said it with a smile on my face (which a year ago would have been so different).

I told her my plan for weight loss is 15-20 pounds and that I would be keeping a food/exercise journal, which she was thrilled with. I found this on the web called MyFitnessPal.com and I started recording this past Monday...accountability is the key for me. I did this many years ago with weight watchers and it worked, so if it works don't fix it, right.

The weekdays aren't going to be the hardest...it will be the weekends that will be tough for me.

Goodbye 2011...Hello 2012!

2012-01-02T10:56:00.000-05:00

Just a little recap on our holidays, I would say this was one of the best we had since returning to CT in 2007. After losing my Mom in 2008 and then my 2nd miscarriage in 2010, our holidays hadn't been that great, but I am happy to report that this holiday was a welcomed change. We still did our usual Xmas Eve at my brother's house and it is always nice (too much food as usual). My niece who is going to be 20 in a few weeks was home from Montana toting her new dog Coal (11 months old black lab who is still growing, boy is he huge). She has a boyfriend who lives here (a fairly new relationship of less than 6 months) and I recently found out she is planning to move back permanently here in May. She says she missing family and is not interested in attending college out there anymore. I just hope she figures out what she wants to do because I was under the impression she really liked Montana - young adults these days, can't figure them out.

Xmas Day was at our house and we had E's sister and family over and it was so nice to do the dinner and have the room to have people come to the house. We had a wonderful dinner (ham and fixings) and then open gifts and laughed and chatted till 11 p.m. I saw how happy E was to have his sister around on the holidays. His sister had a falling out with her husband's sister's family last Xmas and since that time, things haven't been repaired fully between them and they would always spend the holidays with them. So, now they are making new traditions and spending more time with us. I am perfectly fine with this that in fact, they are coming to spend part of our summer vacation with us in Cape Cod in late May. We are renting a house for a week over Memorial and I was the one who suggested to E that we invite them to come for the first couple of days. They have never been to Cape Cod and they love the ocean so they were so excited when we asked them this past weekend.

To make the holidays even more special was the fact of my new job and how wonderful it has been to have been given time off at the holidays. My previous job wasn't as giving. The days I did work at my new job - were only 5 hour days and with my hours beginning at 7:30 a.m., I was out most days by 12:30-1 p.m....which was heaven! I am going to say this because I do truly believe that I have found my dream job! I can't have asked for a nicer environment and people around me. They truly understand work/life balance.

The 28th of Dec. was E and mine 7th anniversary and because of my new job and the holiday hours, we were able to spend the afternoon together and then go to dinner at a reasonable time. I also decided on that day, it would be a perfect time to finally get my engagement and wedding band repaired as well (long story short, back in Jan. 2011 when we were up in Mass at a model train show, my finger started to swell that morning and continue to get worse as the day went out that by late afternoon, E ended up cutting them off my finger...he did an excellent job - no stones damaged). To this day, I am not totally sure why my finger swelled except I was on meds at the time and had just gotten over a stomach virus as well. I was so scare for months to wear any rings on my fingers after that. So, it has taken me this long to go get them repaired and I thought what a better day to do it on then our anniversary.

So, to begin 2012 on a continuing good note, I have finally made an appt. with a NEW Ob/Gyn. With getting this new job and a change of insurance, I was also forced to as well. I already booked the appt for Jan. 10th and I am kind of excited to talk with her as her special focus is menopause. I am still trying hard to deal with the hot flashes and body aches the natural way but there are still there, some days more than others. I am now taking a vitamin and mineral supplement 4 times a day that is soy-based. I still haven't had a period though since late last July when I stopped the Premphase. I also have made an appt. to get my eyes checked this coming Saturday as well because I have been not liking how my contact lens are (dryness and splitting) and I have also noticed that tiny print is getting harder for me to read...UGH! For what I have read about menopause this too can be related.

I am happy to report that we are still going to the gym (we took the week off between Xmas and New Year's), but we are heading there today after work and have developed a schedule of going every other day which includes the weekends. Sad, to report though, I haven't lost any weight and this can be related to the menopause as well, but I am not giving up because I do feel much better after the workouts. I have to also start focusing on what goes into my mouth too now that the holidays are over so hopefully that will help too. I really would love to lose at least 15-20 pounds by that time of our vacation in late May so maybe with a goal in mind, I can get really motivated with my eating along with the workouts.

I am so looking forward to what 2012 will bring. The last 4 years have had a lot of pain and despair, but I am so happy to be able to say I am looking forward to the prospect of goods things ahead.

Still here....

2011-12-29T08:47:00.000-05:00

I just haven't had much time to write lately. E and I celebrated our 7th anniversary yesterday with a nice dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. New job is totally awesome and I am feeling so blessed right now. I am at work right now, so I don't have alot of time to write, but I do plan on going into more detail about what has been happening lately in another post.

Just wanted to say I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday (we did) and wishing and hoping that 2012 be a very good year for all.

Blessings

2011-12-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

This Friday, 16th will be exactly one month that I have been at my new job. I'm feeling so truly blessed by this new position. The environment I am in now is what I had been searching for the past year. To be appreciated so much for my skills and experience, to be surrounded by people who truly care and have such good hearts, to feel like it is ok to have a life outside out your job - to be asked how and what did you do this weekend on a Monday morning and people really listen. I have finally found the true sense of work/life balance. To see smiles on people's faces when they see you coming and hear the laughter of children around you. To be told by your boss, how much she is so very thankful for you and can see your abilities and want you to shine. I couldn't have start this job at a better time of the year either. Between the holidays of Thanksgiving and Xmas is just plain wonderful because of all the merriment that goes on there due to being in a school and to have more than one day off for Xmas. I will, for the first time in more than 6 years, have 4 days off during Xmas and New Year's and these aren't even counted as vacation days - these are days given to me.

I also get nice perks on the Fridays before a holiday by only having to work 4 hours that day, so this Friday is one of them. I already had plans to go out with a few select former co-workers from my previous job for a holiday get together that evening and where it is being held is closer to my job then home. When I expressed this to my new boss today, she said she would be perfectly fine with me working my 4 hours in the afternoon with no one else around (1-5 p.m.) so I can go straight to the party from work. I was almost dumbfounded (she trust me to do my job), but so very grateful for this, I can't even tell you how this would have never been offered or suggested at my previous job. There was no flexibility in that job whatsoever and especially during this time of year. I never took more than a day or afternoon off during the month of December due to the fact of year end giving. The funny, but also sad part of this is that my current job is the same type of job with year end giving, but the difference is this job doesn't have the high demand that the old one did. Yes, there will be year-end giving at the school and I will enter all checks that come in during the last 2 weeks of December, but I will do it in less days and still enjoy the holiday season....amazing, yes it can be done.

What has crossed my mind lately though is if I would have had this new job when I was pregnant would I have miscarried. I continously wonder about the stress I was under at that time at my old job and in many ways blame that job even though no one knows for sure why I miscarried. I will tell you that during those short 8 weeks of pregnancy, I thought alot about how the HELL I was going to manage having a child and that demanding job at the same time. Just like with my first pregnancy when I miscarried at 10 weeks and E and I were living in PA (3 hours away from family/friends) and I didn't have a full time job and E wasn't working for the company we moved out there for and we were living in a rental condo, all my thoughts during that time were how the HELL are we going to manage to raise a child. Each time some kind of stress was happening in our lives - makes me wonder.

When I told my former co-worker that I was leaving the organization and told her about my new job and the fact I wanted a better work/life balance...she turned to me and said, I have never seen you look so happy like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders and then she said, I wouldn't be surprised if you get pregnant now! Of course, I just laughed it off at the time, but lately it has been coming up in my mind - could it happen? If so, would it stick this time because of the no stress?

Heading into a New Chapter

2011-11-15T10:09:00.000-05:00

I am grateful for:
1. a new job opportunity (see below)
2. having my dad still with us...he turned 92 years old on Nov. 4th
3. great co-workers at my last job who gave me so many well wishes as I left last Friday

What do I mean by this title, well I have been searching for almost a year now for a job opportunity that would allow me to work in a school environment again and that opportunity appeared about a month ago. I had 3 interviews with the school and all of them just kept getting better and better each time so I had a good feeling that this was the one (job offer came on a late Friday afternoon so I had the weekend to think it thru). I gave my current job my two weeks notice on that Monday after we had an unexpected snowstorm the last weekend in October which dumped about a foot of snow and knocked out our power for 8 days...it truly sucked because we lost everything - heat, water and electricity. I was able to shower at my work's gym each morning which was cool, but was up and out of the house most morning during that week at 5:30 a.m. because it was so COLD. I slept on our sofa to keep warm by the fireplace and to help E man the fire too. That damn sofa killed my back and I still am experiencing the after effects of it to this day.

I am so excited about this new position for a number of reasons: one is to be around children again and to be an integral part of the mission of the school which is to help these kids get help with their language based disabilities. I will be in the development area which I am thrilled about and working with a fundraising database that I had used a couple of years ago. Secondly, to have a more relaxed and not as stressful environment as my previous job for the last 4 years. Thirdly, to have 3 weeks of vacation that must be taken within that year and all the school holidays off and snow days (finally the decision won't be mine to make - do I risk my life to go to work?).

I really feel good about this new chapter because I believe it will allow me to concentrate on me more than ever before. I just knew in my heart that my last job was causing me undo stress and that I didn't want to keep going at that pace anymore. I am 44 years old now and I don't want to live and breathe my job anymore. I have always felt that since we don't have children, that there is an expectation that we will work more hours than the people who do. I want a good work/life balance going forward in my life. I have already started making some changes to focus more on the things I want to see, do or change. We joined a gym this past Friday that is 5 minutes from our home for a very reasonable fee per month. We have gone everyday so far since joining and we are really lovin it. We are feeling good after our workouts and know that this is important for our health and our future. E wasn't as excited at first, but he mentioned to me yesterday how he is feeling much better now and knows that he needs to think of this as not a chore, but as a positive thing he does for himself. Both of us are doers and givers and tend to put others before ourselves...we are trying hard to change that.

I am still experiencing hot flashes and muscle pains in my legs, especially at night which causes interrupted sleep for me usually around 2-3 a.m. and my hope is that by working out it might lessen these symptoms. Of course, I am hoping for weight loss as well. I have put on 25 lbs since I have been with E the last 10 years and 10 of these pounds since my last miscarriage in March 2010. I want to feel better about about my body so badly, because I know since the miscarriage I haven't liked my body at all and in turn that has made our sex life become less and less. This truly makes me so sad because in our first couple of years together, our sex life was so great and I loved that part of our relationship so much. I so blame infertility because overtime it eats away at parts of a relationship. Your hopes and dreams are shattered and the weight of this takes over. I have given to it the last year, but now I am ready to take the life I once knew back and change this...no more letting infertility control my life.

I have been off the past 2 days before I start my new job tomorrow. Got new tires for my vehicle yesterday and will be getting new brakes (this wasn't planned, but was told when tires were put on) on Thursday as well. Done all my laundry yesterday so work clothes are ready to go. Also, got "to go breakfast items" as I won't have the ability to get breakfast at work anymore, but the positive side is lunch is FREE and provided in the dining hall.

The weather here is totally weird lately....today's highs will be in the 60's and it is November and a week before Thanksgiving. It is very unpredictable and makes me wonder what kind of winter we will have...really bad with lots of snow and outages...god, I hope not.

OMG...Duggars are at it again...she is 45 and pregnant with 20th Child!

2011-11-08T15:12:00.000-05:00

I saw this on the MSN.com homepage this morning, the Duggars announcement on the Today Show:

http://moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/11/07/8684372-20-kids-and-counting-michelle-duggar-announces-shes-pregnant-again

This woman definitely hasn't run out of eggs!

Various Stages of Me...

2011-10-10T11:14:00.000-04:00

I happen to be going thru our pictures on our hard drive on our laptop and decided to post a bunch of pics of me over the last couple of years (different hairstyles and colors)...I am always changing my hairstyle looking for a version of the most flattening on me (it is one of the things in my life I have the control to change unlike the my inability to have children) and now I am at a point of trying to find a "new" again, but feeling alittle lost on what that "new" will be. Also, I am searching out a new hair salon at the same time. The one I have been going to since we returned to CT in 2007 is located in the town where my dad and sister live (30-45 minutes from our current home) and it is becoming more difficult to find the time to get down to that salon on the weekends and to get an appt with my current hairdresser. One of the things I loved while we lived in PA was that most of the hair salons around the area had Sunday hours, but up till now I had never found one here in CT until recently. I just need to have some idea of what my "new" hairstyle will be before I make the appt. I recently colored my hair (myself) auburn and have gotten lots of nice compliments so I am leaning towards keeping the color, but need to find the hairstyle.

Any thoughts on past hairstyles that you like on me?

Didn't Work Out as Planned....

2011-09-25T11:57:00.000-04:00

Well, there will be no baby and toddler in my immediate future. Got a message yesterday from the Mom saying that the daycare has agreed to work with them to accomodate her hours so no need for a sitter, but she did ask if I would be interested in occasional sitting. I replied, yes, and gave her my home and work numbers for future use.

Like I said in my previous post, it will be what God has intended for me and apparently it isn't a five day a week commitment after a full time 9-5 job. I will admit I was alittle worried about the days when I was totally stressed out at work and having to be "on" for a baby and toddler's needs - would I have the same patience and flexibility I use to have in my younger years when I did similiar sitting like this?

I will still keep my profile on the sitter website and look at the jobs that are posted daily to my e-mail and who knows there might be something else out there for me or not. Time will tell.

This past week, I have been fighting a nasty headcold so right now I am happy to just kick back and relax on my off time and concentrate on kicking this cold to the curb. Been taking NyQuil at night and have had the best nights sleep in a long time. Hot flashes and leg cramps are being kept at bay - which has been so awesome. Still no AF this month and I seriously doubt she will make an appearance before the month's end. I am still taking all my vitamins and drinking soy milk - wondering if this could be helping with the hot flashes and leg cramps as well - hard to know right now.

On a positive note...E and I went to one of our local Farmer's Market yesterday and got some great produce, homemade breads and a nice piece of salmon for me. Can't wait to grill it up tonight for dinner. Made up some salsa with the heirloom tomatoes we got and had lemon chicken with brown sugar carrots for dinner last night. Those carrots had such a rich orange color and the taste was awesome. There is definitely something to be said of locally grown produce versus the supermarket produce. We will miss the Farmer's Market when it ends in mid October, but we found a local organic market that is open all year round that we will frequent quite a bit during the upcoming Fall/Winter months. I can already smell the delicious soups like chicken and carrot we will be cookin' up soon. Fall is one of my favorite times of the year, when those cool temps start and the changing of the leaves on the trees and when I really feel the urge to cook more comfort type foods - get that crockpot out. We plan on going apple picking and getting our pumpkins at a local orchard in the next few weeks as well. I have a great recipe for apple pie that I am looking forward to making - did it last year and came out great.

So all in all, even though things didn't work out as I had hoped, going into my favorite time of the year makes it easier to just grin and bear it and enjoy all that Fall has to offer.

A Baby and Toddler in My Future?

2011-09-11T11:52:00.002-04:00

An opportunity for me to babysit a 3 month old boy and a 2 year old girl - five days a week after work. Back late last year, I put a profie on a website that is use for both parents and babysitters to connect with each other in their local area. I have many many years prior to meeting E that babysitting was always a part of my life, but during the first year of meeting E and as our relationship got more serious, I pulled myself away from the babysitting to fully focus on our relationship. During the first year we were living in PA and I couldn't find a full-time job, I did a bunch of babysitting then but that only lasted for a couple months before I secured a full-time job at a private school.

I got an e-mail on Friday from a woman who lives in the next town over that is looking for a sitter for her above children. It is a request for helping her by picking up the kids from daycare and taking them home and start feeding them dinner before she is able to arrive home. So basically, it would be for only an hour to an hour and half each day. The daycare is located in the town that I work so that is good and the drive to their house is the same way I currently drive home from work. We are set to meet each other on Wednesday evening.

Of course, at dinner on Friday evening I talked with E about this opportunity (as he didn't even know I had made a profile on this website) and how he felt about it. He is totally onboard, as long as I feel it is something I really want to take on. These are some of my reasons:

1. I love children and always will no matter that I will never have my own.
2. Extra income for us - we do want to own a home again and to be able to add this extra monies to achieve this goal would be so helpful.
3. My job is getting to me. I want to be in a school environment again and around children. In my current job I don't want to dedicate alot of time or brain power to anymore. I want to be able to just put in my 7 1/2 hours a day and no more. This side job will give me that out, so to speak, to have a commitment outside of my full-time job. No overtime work and no attending after work required functions (which I dislike).
4. I will be around children. Something I feel is more meaningful than what I do now. I am so tired of dealing with people there and all the drama. I want to care about the little things in life that matter and for me to take care of these little ones who are dependent on you and are just thrilled to see you...that is what life is about.

I am excited with alittle bit of apprehension. I hope the Mom likes me and I have my "old" approach with the little ones that always worked in the past. It has been more than 6 years since I have been around little ones in my charge. I am praying I haven't lost my touch.

I was so relieved to hear from the Mom that the one of the reasons she contacted me over some of the other profiles is the fact that I am a mature woman. She wants someone who is very responsible as her little ones will be driving in this person's car from daycare to home.

This opportunity won't begin until mid-October as the Mom is going back only part-time and then full-time in mid-October with hours that conflict with the hours of the daycare pickup at the end of the day. I have the flexibility in my hours to change them slightly, but (I will have to get the blessing of my boss which I don't forsee an issue as long as it is still a 7.5 hour work day).

I feel that this opportunity was given to me to pursue as a positive sign from God, we shall see.

Hot Flashes are Back...UGH!

2011-09-08T15:36:00.000-04:00

I am grateful for:
1. Good friends and family that made our Labor Day picnic a wonderful get together.
2. We didn't have any severe damage from Hurriance Irene like so many others did here on the East Coast (we had no electricity or water for 5 days - so like camping...not, LOL!)
3. My dad's health is so much better than last year at this time (he will be 92 years old in Nov.), that his pulmonary doctor doesn't need to see him on a regular basis anymore.

Yes, they are back and I was so hoping they wouldn't reappear. It started out just having them once or twice at night time, but then the past week they have been coming during the day time especially if I get stressed or nervous. I have to say (and I am probably going to say this now and in a couple of days go back on my word) they aren't as bad as they were last year with the heat starting at the back of my neck and going up over my head. Right now, it is just a hot feeling on my upper body and I feel like I am dripping sweat and sometimes it rolls down my back, but not terribly on my face. At least here in my office, we have the AC going all the time that when they do happen, I truly don't think anyone sees me breaking out in a sweat even if I feel like I am. My boss, who is about 10 or more years old than I, is going thru menopause right now and she literally breaks out in a bad sweat that you see run down her face and she gets out a hand fan and then proceeds to take off her suit jacket too. I just keep praying that mine don't get that bad!

I am still taking all the vitamins I mentioned in my last post, plus added Flaxseed Oil (suppose to help with the hot flashes) and got a natural sleep aid as well. I have to say it is hard for me to really say all this is helping because some days are ok and some days are "hell". Some nights I am up 3 times a night and some nights I am up just once...so it varies. So, I am definitely tired lately due to the consistent break in my sleep patterns...makes waking up during the work week tough.

So, now that I have been off the Premphase for an entire month, AF should have come this month on the 2nd, but so far no show and no real signs of her (like breast tenderness or feeling crampy). I can't count moodiness because that is a norm lately with premenopause. My emotions are all over the place most of the time now a days.

I am planning on staying strong as possible with the natural remedies - fighting the good fight as much as I can take without going crazy.

The one thing that keeps popping up in my mind lately is if I had my carried my baby to term - how the hell would I be coping with this and a baby at the same time?

Tough Weekend

2011-08-15T12:05:00.000-04:00

It is hard for me to start out this post with what I am grateful for after this tough weekend, so I won't because I will feel like a such a fake sayings them.

My emotions were in high gear most of this weekend and I truly believe it is all hormonal now approaching almost 3 weeks of being off the Premphase. I have good days and not so good days lately, but yesterday in particular was awful. Very tired and oh my aching legs and back was so bad I ended up taking a 2 hour nap in the afternoon with a dose of Advil. I also hate to admit it but I have been taking the PM Advil almost every other might this past week just to get a full night's sleep because otherwise I wake up due to the aching and needing to change my sleeping position.

I have found a website/blog for women who are going thru premenopause and it is filled with comments from other women (similar age) who are dealing with the same stuff. It is comforting to know I am not alone and that my symptoms aren't something else (like chronic fatigue syndrome or MS) - boy, has my mind gone there many of times. The problem is that most women (like me) don't want to be on a hormone therapy and want to find a natural remedy to help ease these symptoms. Many of them are trying different combination of vitamins (like black cohosh, Calicum with Mag, Vitamin B, E and a natural sleep aid). I went out and got the Calicum with D and Vitamin B and started to take them late last week, but I left them in my drawer here at work over the weekend so that didn't help me much...UGH. So far the hot flashes are staying away, but we have also been sleeping with the AC in the bedroom at night on pretty cold because E loves it that way - so I am sleeping with extra blankets because it is so chilly!

I hate to be a downer, but this sucks. I know I need to give it time for these natural remedys to take effect, but I am very much on a emotional edge and so trying to keep things in check. I felt so negative about everything in my life this weekend that it really scared me. I need to get out of this funk!

Normally, I am fine with this situation, but not last night, we went out for dinner at the last minute figuring that might take my mind off my symptoms, but when we got to the restuarant and they sat us next to a family with 2 kids and a baby - I knew right then and there...I just wanted to scream. On top of that when that family left (before us) in comes two other couples with babies in tow who sat down at that exact table. I just felt so beaten up at that point...UGH UGH UGH!

Please let this week get better.

Some Fun...Fifteen Questions

2011-08-11T12:50:00.000-04:00

1. What would you pick to eat if you only had one meal left?

Seafood - either crab legs or salmon.

2. What quality is the most important to you in the opposite sex?

Honesty and loving.

3. If you could pick your birthday, when would you want it and why?

Christmas because everyone is together on that day.

4. What is your dream job?

To be a mom, but since that didn't happen...I would love to work with children. Probably a teacher or daycare provider.

5. What is your favorite thing to do on the weekends?

Sleep in and enjoy time with hubby, friends and family.

6. What's the best book you have ever read?

Gosh, I read so many books...one of my favorite authors is Jody Picoult and one of my favorite books of hers is My Sister's Keeper.

7. Biggest Pet Peeve?

People who are outright rude - cut you in line or cut you off on the road.

8. What show can you not miss?

Minute to Win It

9. What is your favorite holiday and why?

Christmas...do I need to say more?

10. Do you want a big family?

I never wanted a big family with lots of kids...but one or two would have been nice (sad to type that).

11. What is more important to you, love or money?

Love is definitely more important, but it is also true that money is also important because without in today's society we just can't live a decent life - I just wish it wasn't that way.

13. What is your dream car?

Audi SUV

14. Which is better, cats or dogs? Please explain why.

I love both and had a dog growing up, but since adulthood have always had cats and I truly do love them so much, but I have always wanted a dog too - hopefully in the future.

15. If you had to live without either a cell phone or internet, which would you choose to give up?

Cell phone

50 Year Old Conceives Naturally...UNBELIEVEABLE!

2011-08-03T12:34:00.000-04:00

I just read this article off of another blogger's site: http://infertility-fertility.blogspot.com/2011/08/50-year-old-conceives-naturally.html This is truly amazing...what are the chances, right? Does make you stop and think...maybe there is hope!

Quick Update...AF's Arrival...7 days early!

2011-08-03T09:45:00.001-04:00

AF showed up yesterday morning and did very little in the sense of flow yesterday..but this morning she has more flow and I have a bit of cramping which I haven't had a in very long time. So, hoping she continues to show more flow and I will handle the cramping in true spirit just for that. Still no hot flashes - yippee!

I am leaving work an hour earlier today to attend a Thirty-One Celebrate and Connect meeting with other women who sell Thirty-One. I have gone to 2 others since joining and I do find them a good networking and support system. Plus, beforehand I am squeezing in dinner out with my sister who lives close to where the meeting will be held.

I am so excited to get some "me" time tonight!

Doing ok on the eating healthier at least for breakfast and lunch, but dinner and after dinner snack are still a tough one because I am hungry when I get home! I did lose 2 lbs since the weekend but I am now thinking that was AF bloating...UGH!

Taking Matters into My Own Hands

2011-08-01T13:40:00.000-04:00

I am grateful for:

1. Finding a good vet practice that I entrusted to take care of Dora's 4 teeth extractions last week.
2. Dora did amazing well in recovery and has been taking her antiobotic and pain meds like a champ.
3. My hubby who is very handy around the house and fix a bunch of little things to make our lives run more smoothly.

I know it has been almost a month since my last post, but work has been very stressful so I have been taking some afternoons off for some "me" time away from this place. Lots of changes going on at my job so at times it is a challenge to stay focused and not think about leaving this job at times (still got my feelers out for a school job).

So, with all that being said, I am taking matters into my own hands with regards to Premphase that I have been on since last Sept. I am so tired of gaining weight and not being able to lose it since starting this med last year, so after reading many many stories of woman on Premphase who also have gained weight and unable to lose it, I decided this past Sat. to stop. So, far no signs of the "hot flashes" returning yet, but not sure if it would take longer for that to reappear if it does. It will also be interesting to see how AF will be when she comes this month.

I have already decided if and when the "hot flashes" do return, I am going to try a natural remedy to help this time. I am also going to try my best to make better choices in what I eat and eat as much fruits and veggies as possible. I read on one website about menopause and how to lessen the symptoms that they suggested eliminating red meats from your diet - that one is just too hard for me right now because we love to grill in the summertime - steaks, burgers, ribs and of course chicken and I am not about to give all that up. Some others things to give up is coffee and carbs...the coffee is hard for me during the summertime because I love making an iced coffee drink in the morning for the ride in to work and the carbs are hard too because I love bread. Yikes, so we will see how this goes.

So, as I sit here at my desk having a small bowl of cottage cheese with raspberries and peaches...I just hope and pray I can do this on a more consistent basis without feeling deprived with an overwhelming ache of hunger.

This phase right now in my early 40's is very frustrating and I don't even want to think that this could continue on for another 10 years or more...YIKES!

AF's Arrival and Other Stuff

2011-07-08T09:25:00.001-04:00

I am grateful for:

1. Having a sister who is always there for me.
2. E is having such a wonderful time with his whole family in AZ.
3. So far our present landlord seems very attentive to any issue that comes up with the house.

I know it has been awhile since I have last posted, but I have been reading lots of blogs and commenting on some, but kind of in a funk about writing here lately. Just feeling like there isn't much to say right now.

AF arrived this morning, exactly on time - she is getting better about that part, but her flow is a whole other story. I know I had mentioned about going back to the RE, but to tell the truth, I just can't seem to do it. I am continuing the Premphase, though I did think twice about refilling it this month. I am curious to see if I went off it would the "hot" flashes return - thinking about giving it a try next month. Why can't I go back to the RE...well, I guess I am afraid of saying to her we are done - we have made our decision to move on. Saying this out loud in a doctor's office whether it is the RE or OB/GYN (who I should see as well), just brings up so much emotion that I can't bear the thought of breaking down while saying it. It is one thing to be thinking this way and writing about it, but another to say it. I am not sure of myself in that I can make it thru that conversation without totally losing it. So, I am in a state of flux with this whole thing. I rationally know I have to face this, but I keep push it off for now.

I don't know how many of you read this blog: http://lifewithoutbaby.wordpress.com/2011/07/08/destinys-plans-for-a-childfree-life/, but I do and I absolutely love reading her blog that I purchased her book last week and I read in 2 days! For those of you who are coming to terms with the idea of never having children, I truly suggest this book. I loved reading her story and I so identified with so much of it. It made me feel so not alone and helped me realize that the decision E and I have been forced to make and how we feel about it, others are feeling the same way. I have stated here that the one thing I didn't want to lose during TTC was the wonderful relationship I have with E. I felt if that got damaged beyond repair due to the intense pressure of TTC and we did bring a child into that I would feel so bad to have a child in a damaged relationship. I didn't want to lose us because I view us as the foundation. Lisa writes about this in the book and I so related.

Lastly, one of our furbabies, Dora will be going to the vet for a check-up this afternoon. I am concerned about her losing weight and hoping that there isn't any underlining medical issue going on. We had a previous cat, Jasmine, for almost 18 years and at 10 years old she came down with hyperthyroidism which we treat but eventually turned to kidney disease which took her life (she weighed only 3.5 lbs at the end). As most of you know, these memories stick hard with you and make you fear that it will happen again (just like a miscarriage), so right now I am a bundle of nerves in anticipation of this appt. Please say a prayer that she will be ok (she is just 5 years old).

It will always be there....

2011-06-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

Things I am grateful for:

1. Sleeping well at night - I have never had a serious problem with this, but while my Mom was in the hospital in 2008 I had a really tough time "shutting down my brain", so I began taking a pain reliever with a sleep aid on and off. I continued to use them when I just couldn't shut down my brain, especially after the miscarriage last year, but in the last couple of months I haven't required them as frequently - which is a good thing!
2. The announcement of raises at work (a decent raise for me) plus an additional one time bonus of a couple thousand dollars from the board of directors at my organization...timing couldn't be more perfect for this as we just moved and had to put out monies for movers, fill the propane heater at the old rental before leaving, as per our lease agreement and the unknown bills that will come over the next month for this new rental.
3. My current health status - a very good friend of mine is awaiting a diagnosis of either Lyme disease or MS. She hasn't felt well for almost 2 weeks now and has been in and out of the hospital multiple times and still no firm diagnosis. She will be going for more tests this coming week.

E's b-day was last Sunday and we celebrated on Saturday night with a nice dinner out to one of his favorite restuarants in the area. We had a nice table in the corner, he had a steak and I had cod with crabmeat stuffing and a shrimp cocktail (which I couldn't finish so we took them home for kitties - Dora love it, Puddin not so much). So, while we were waiting for our meal, a couple with a 3 year old little girl sat down across the way from us. The little girl was tired and cranky and the Dad was trying his best to calm her down while the Mom was saying her hellos to the staff at the restuarant. Come to find out she use to work there and now lives in California - it wasn't hard to hear this as they all talking loud. Anyway, after a bit, E turned to me and said "it makes him feel like we are missing out on having a child". I gulped and said, "we will always feel like this, but we have to look on the positive side of things like tonight's dinner - it was on the fly that we decided to come tonight versus tomorrow...that is very hard to do with a child especially when they are young".

What E expressed at dinner that night are all the feelings I was dealing with all last year on a daily basis and it was just making me sad and depressed. I have gotten to a place now, where I don't want to return to that. So, it was alittle of a surprise when he bought it up and took me back a bit, but I have moved on in my mind and in my heart, even though at times the heart is harder. He knows this and I will always continue to share my feelings with him. He knows the facts and what we would be up against. We will always have these kinds of conversations from time to time and it will still sting (no doubt about it), but I am determined to not have it hurt like hell the way it did last year.

I truly believe God has a plan for E and I - there are reasons why things happen the way they do in life. We might not like that, but I have learned to accept both the good and the bad in the plan.

AF Arrival on CD 27

2011-06-08T15:32:00.000-04:00

I am grateful for:

1. my 91 year old dad who is still here with us and in good health as well.
2. E, who is taking a 5 week summer college course - 4 times a week, and still finds the time to put a new shower head in the bath, hang a new towel rack in the bath, put 2 air conditioners in the bedrooms, fix the office door, cut the lawn and probably a hundred other things I am forgetting.
3. the nice commission check I received from my sales in May from Thirty-One.

Well, at least AF is getting closer to a normal cycle for this month to last month, but the one thing that hasn't change is her flow. When I awoke this morning, I thought she was going to go into a normal flow since there was a good amount on the TP and I feel bloated, but sad to report that as of this afternoon she hasn't done much since - still wearing a LightDay. I am now saying this is just pure spotting and nothing more...UGH.

I need to call my RE in the next couple of days and explain how it has been for the last 9 months being on Premphase and that we have decided not to move forward with having a child and talk about my options going forward to help with the symptoms of pre-menopause (hot flashes, etc.).

I have put on 7 lbs since August of last year and I know alot of it is from over indulging especially on the sweets. I am also concerned that it isn't helped by being on this medication either. I have to start losing the weight again by watching what I eat as well as being on the proper meds. I am beginning to feel like I want to crawl out of my skin - not liking how I look...UGH. Plus, we have mirrored closet doors in our bedroom in the new house and that is really "putting it in my face" even more in the last couple of days.

Lastly, I have to call tonight after 5:30 p.m. to see if I need to go for jury duty tomorrow...oh joy!

All Moved In...

2011-06-06T14:27:00.000-04:00

I am grateful for:
1. A smooth move into our new rental home this past weekend.
2. E for his determination and drive to get us into our new rental home with many trips back and forth from our old rental.
3. Dora and Puddin, our cats, who have done remarkably well in transitioning into our new place.

Yes, we are all moved into our new place and loving all the wonderful space it offers. It was a long weekend and at times very tiring, but all in all we are so happy to be in. So, worth all the sweat and sore muscles we endured.

I was able to get almost 80% of the kitchen set-up already by Sat. evening. I really focused on this room first as I wanted the ability to be able to cook and not having to order out food continuously.

I can't wait to get the office set-up appropriately so I can start focusing on my Thirty-One business. I know having a dedicated space to be able to focus will help tremendeously. Plus, it will also be an area where E can go to study - we might have to invest in a desk for him as well.

I got summonized for jury duty this Thursday and I am so hoping when I call on Wednesday evening, that I won't be called in. This is my first time even getting summonized so I really shouldn't complain, but with the move and all the unpacking that needs to be still done, it isn't the ideal time to be on jury duty.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. The weather here on the East Coast was absolutely beautiful and I was so grateful for that during our move...#4!

A Change of Direction...

2011-06-02T13:56:00.000-04:00

This blog started out as a way to express my feelings about our life as a couple who had been trying to have a child and to find other women who could relate. Then it quickly turned into a pregnancy blog for about a month, then to a miscarry and now it is how to start living life without the possibility of a child. With this being said and where I want to be in the near future, I want to take this blog in a new direction and not consistently talk about the sadness of loss (it will always be with me for the rest of my life, no doubt about that). I want to start looking at the things in my life that I am grateful for because there are many and not focus too much on the sadness that has happened in the last year. So, everytime I do a post from here on out, I am going to start my post with 3 things I am grateful for.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. Having the opportunity to live in a much nicer and bigger rental home (starting tomorrow...woo hoo).
2. Having a good full-time paying job (even though there have and will continue to be times I am not so thrilled about my current position, I need to look at the positive...there are people who are unemployed and have been for a long time and not by choice who are losing their homes because they can't afford them anymore...so sad.)
3. Given the opportunity to be introduced to Thirty-One Gifts last summer. Now having been in the business for over 7 months, I have met some wonderful women and good mentors. I am so in love with the products and the vision of the company, but most of all, recently, acquired my first recruit...so exciting!

So, I proposed the question to you...what are you grateful for in your life today?

I am now 44...Oh My!

2011-05-23T14:09:00.001-04:00

Yes, yesterday was my 44th birthday. I had a very busy weekend with friends and family so it went by very quickly which was actually fine with me. Friday night, E and I went out for my birthday dinner (we do this every year for each other) and I picked a place we had never been to and it was recommended by a co-worker. It was wonderful...had the best gnocchi and coconut cake ever and got a very sweet card from E. On Saturday, I packed up the car with an overnight bag and all my Thirty-One stuff and head to have lunch with a good friend from High School that lives in the town I grow up in. It was nice to sit and chat with her for about 2 hours. She gave me a card that plays a song we used to listen to way back when and a pair of matching earrings with a necklace - which was so sweet of her and she paid for our lunch too. I then went to my Dad's house and hung out with him and my sister for the next 3 hours before my Thirty-One party that evening. The party was a great success and everyone there had a great time purchasing bags, chatting with friends and munching on food. I was the last one to leave at 11 p.m.

Slept in at my Dad's house on Sunday till almost 10 a.m. and then my brother, sister-in-law and my nephew came over and took both my Dad and me out to lunch for my birthday. After lunch we spent some time outdoors in the backyard putting the roof on my Dad's screenhouse and getting it all ready for the nice weather. Then back home around 5:30 p.m. All and all a very nice, relaxing and enjoyable time with friends and family weekend.

How do I feel being 44? I hate saying that number to tell you the truth. I don't feel any older, but in my mind when I think about what that number means - going into my mid 40's and on the way to 50. Also, of course, the reminder of being of maternal age - my eggs are OLD! I was asked by my good friend from high school on Saturday whether we planned to try again and I said "no" and explain our reasons to her. She said she totally understood and that she has another friend who is trying for her second right now at my age and it isn't going well, but she is a stay at home mom and is determined to do whatever it takes to have another one. I said, I wish her all the luck in the world and hope she achieves her dream.

So, starting this coming holiday weekend we will be in full packing mode. The movers are all scheduled for the end of next week and we will be obtaining the key to the house next Wednesday to start moving stuff over ourselves. I am really excited to get into the house. I have in my mind where things will be placed and so looking forward to having more space. One of the most exciting things will be to have an office space to be able to work on my Thirty-One business. I am also excited to see how the kitties will like their new home and all the space they will have to move around too. Still have a couple of bill people to contact regarding the move, but the main ones are done. All in all feeling pretty good about how things are moving along.

Lastly, I have to say with meeting up with other women over this weekend (who are either married or living with someone) and having conversations about their relationships (most are dealing with issues surrounding their spouse's job, their sex life, ex-husbands and living situation, etc.) I walked away feeling really good about my relationship with E. I truly love my hubby and I know it the same for him as well (he has been saying it alot lately) that I can honestly say we are in a very good place presently in our marriage and that alone makes me incredibly happy at this time.

Packin Up and Sadness...

2011-05-16T12:12:00.000-04:00

Spent majority of the weekend packin. Started with the kitchen on Saturday, while E was out on a job. Got about half done by the time he got home (plus laundry and preparing for 2 Thirty-One Parties for this coming weekend). On Sunday, worked on packing up stuff in our bedroom closet (while E was out on yet another job) and as usual (like every other move since 2004), came across the "box" with all the baby books and various baby clothing in it and I said in my mind "why am I holding on to this stuff" and "why do I keep putting myself thru this misery each time I come across this box". I proceed to take all the baby books except the baby book that I wrote in during my first pregancy and I went straight to the recycling bin and tossed them in. E was just coming thru the door at that moment and asked "oh what are throwing away" and I showed him and said, I just can't deal with having these anymore - there is no need for them. I then proceeded back to the box in the bedroom and starting to gather up the clothing (including a blanket that I had cross-stitched 2 little bears on, a pair of socks I cross-stitched on and 2 little oneses I had iron-ons) and got a plastic bag and put them in it and turned to E and said, I just can't deal with these anymore either, why do I hold on to them when there will be no baby in our future...it just makes me sad and takes me back to all the heartache. E responded, I know and it hurts me too. I stopped for a moment looking at the clothing and said, should I hold onto them for one of my nieces (because it was killing me to think I spent time on making these and no one that I knew would appreciate it if I just tossed them in the garbage)? E responded, well, there aren't taking up alot of room and you put time into making them...just put them back in the box for now. So, for now I am at some peace with the clothing still being around and knowing that one day I will give them to one of my nieces (hopefully) and if I keep thinking of them this way, I should become more and more at peace (I hope). The books don't bother me as much because they were older and somewhat outdated and given to me second-hand by my sister-in-law. I also, keep a cross-stitch baby announcement sampler that I had just barely started during my first pregnancy...again with the thoughts that if one of my nieces does get pregnant then I would finish it up for her. I love that sampler and I just can't seem to part with it.

Even with or without these (material) reminders around, IF will always be with me wherever I go because in reality it is in my heart and mind forever.

AF Arrived and Other News...

2011-05-13T14:41:00.000-04:00

Well, this was alittle bit shocked this morning when I awoke to AF - CD27 and right now is on the lighter side (AGAIN). She is actually close to a 28 day cycle...I am truly amazed, but her true test will be a normal flowing one...this only time will tell. My back had been bothering me since coming back from Montana last Saturday, but I really thought it was due to the plane rides and sleeping in a strange bed for a week.

I still need to get in contact with my RE and have a talk, but now I'm waiting to see how this AF plays out so I will be armed with enough information from the past five months of AFs. Plus, with us being so busy with the impending move, I kind of wanted to wait till that was over first before making this call. So much on my brain right now.

We will be meeting our new landlord tonight and going over some questions we still have and answering some of hers as well. On my lunch break today, I filled out a moving estimate from the same movers we used for our last move for the first weekend in June. We aren't moving that far...only 10 minutes from where we are now and we have a few less pieces of furniture as well, so it will be interesting to see the estimate. We will move most of the boxes and the light stuff ourselves as we will have access to the place starting on June 1st. I won't be taking off much time from work except possibly one day (the Friday before), so most of it has to get done after work hours by me, otherwise E will be doing alot of that part himself during the day when he isn't in class.

My trip out to Montana was wonderful. I love the time I got to spend with my two nieces and their wonderful boyfriends. I can truly understand why they love it out there. The clean air, wonderful scenery and some of the friendliest people I have ever met. I got a good amount of relaxation time in as well as them showing me around the area (including a trip to Yellowstone National Park...truly amazing).

Lots of changes happening at my job...our CEO is leaving sometime late summer/early fall, the VP of Finance just gave her notice before I left for vacation, and her assistant left last Friday, plus we are hiring for a couple of new positions as well. You would think that I would be "sad" about all of this, but truly I am use to change. In my 12 years in the corporate world, I dealt with so much change, it was like a revolving door that I became almost "numb" to it. The way I look at people leaving (on their own accord) is that I hope they are making a decision that will be better for them and will make them happier, always want to wish them well. I don't look at it as how could they desert us, especially for some of these recent leavings, I know they are meant for a good reason and that we, as an organization, will benefit in the end with new talented and experienced people. The past 6-9 months, I have wanted to leave myself, but lately with all these happenings (though I still look) I am thinking it might be worth it to me to stick around and see how this all plays out with the new people. I believe it could change alot of things to the better that I wasn't happy with before and make my job into what I want. Time will tell....

Fabulous 50 - Questions....

2011-05-10T22:33:00.001-04:00

1. Introduce yourself... I'm Jen...live in the Northeast, worked in various assistant roles in the corporate world for 12 years prior to changing careers to fundraising (development) in the non-profit world for the last 10 years. Met my hubby at age 34 (on-line) and got married at 38. Been moving around alot in the last couple of years. Miscarriaged first at 38 and last year at 43 years old. Now at the point of deciding at 44 not pursuing getting pregnant again and learn to live without children.

2. If it’s Wednesday at noon, where are you usually? Definitely at my desk at work or in a meeting.

3. What kind of laundry detergent do you use? Arm and Hammer, but sometimes All.

4. What brand of shampoo is in your shower right now? Nexus.

5. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21? Nope, but did drink before the age of 21 at friends' houses.

6. What countries have you been to? Canada and the United States.

7. Do you watch MTV anymore? Yes, but only when flipping channels and I come across 16 and Pregnant.

8. What do you think about Oprah? I love Oprah. She is an amazing woman who didn't come from much and had lots of struggles in her life, but was determined to make a name for herself.

9. What color are your bed sheets? Pink with flowers

10. You need a new pair of jeans: what store do you go to first? Last pair I purchased at Dress Barn, but have gotten pairs at Kohls.

11. Did you ever watch The O.C.? Never.

12. What kind of car do you drive? 2003 Dodge Caravan Sport.

13. Honestly, is that car insured? Yes!

14. Do you like sushi? Nope

15. Have you ever been to Tiffany & Co. or Saks 5th Ave? Yes, Saks 5th Ave in NYC.

16. Did your parents spoil you growing up? I was the baby so I would say yes and my siblings will verify this when asked.

17. Do you like roller coasters? I did when I was a kid, I rode them alot, but now that I am much older I haven't been on one in a long time.

18. What magazine(s) do you buy regularly or subscribe to? I get Redbook, but I don't personally subscribe to it. My mother-in-law sends it to me in my name.

19. Do you remember the WB show “Popular”? Nope, never heard of it.

20. When you go out do you prefer to go to a dance club or to a bar? I haven't been to either in years. I use to love the dance clubs.

21. What do you think about gay marriage? It doesn't bother me.

22. Who do you think Obama will run against and, if he does, will he be re-elected? I really don't follow politics much so can't answer.

23. Are you registered to vote? Yes, but haven't in years.

24. Do you own an iPod? Nope. I still listen to CDs in my van.

25. Is your bathroom filled with beauty stuff? No, I keep all my beauty stuff on my dresser in our bedroom.

26. What do you normally smell like? I usually wear perfume either Design or Liz Caliborne.

27. Do you like Carrie Underwood? Yes, I have one or two of her CDs.

28. Been to “The Vegas”? yes, twice and I love it.

29. How far away do you live from your parents? 30 minutes.

30. Are you happy with your job? Most of the time...been there 3 years, but I will confess in the last 6 months been looking for a new one.

31. Where do you work and what do you do there? a community foundation and I handled all contributions that come in for the many funds we hold.

32. What did you get in the mail today? Two catalogs and one credit card offer.

33. How do you like your steak cooked? Medium well.

34. Britney Spears…is she back? Don't really know - don't give it much thought.

35. What do you usually order at Taco Bell? Haven't been there in years.

36. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? Yes.

37. Have you ever been to Mt Rushmore? No.

38. Is it just me, or was The Marine (w/John Cena) a really horrible movie? Never even heard of it.

39. Are surveys/memes like the cocaine of the internet? Probably.

40. Where is your favorite place (that you have actually been to)? Cape Cod, Mass, but just recently went to Montana to visit my two nieces and I so enjoyed it out there - beautiful.

41. What is your favorite candle scent? Oh my...I have so many of them. Cinnamon, Vanilla, Hazelnut, Mocha, Coffee, Fruity-flavors....I could go on and on.

42. Do you believe places can really be haunted? Yes.

43. Do you smoke cigarettes? No. Tried when I was in high school for 3 days and hated it.

44. Have you ever been to NYC or LA? NYC

45. How many states have you been to where all you saw was the airport? Probably 4.

46. Do you think 50 questions is enough? Yes, LOL.

47. Are you currently planning a trip? Nope, just came back from one.

48. Is Ryan Seacrest gay? Should anyone care? Don't know and don't care.

49. Do you take anti-depressants? Sleeping pills? No anti-depressants, but have taken sleeping pills.

50. What do you think about space travel? I wouldn't do it, but I give lots of credit to people who want to.

The Wait is Over...We Got It!

2011-04-29T13:36:00.000-04:00

Just heard back from the realtor...the landlord accepted...woo hoo. Now, we just need to sign the lease and give the deposit (E will be doing this over the weekend while I am away) for a move-in date of June 1st. Boy, the next couple of weeks are going to be very busy, not even counting the 3 Thirty-One parties scheduled for 3 of the weekends in May...OMG! One good thing is I will have time over my upcoming vacation (when I am just relaxing) to get a list of "to do's" in order.

Waiting...I So Dislike Waiting

2011-04-28T20:00:00.000-04:00

We are awaiting news - to lease a new place to live - a 3 bedroom, 1 bath, 1300 square foot stand-alone home. Last night we went to view and really liked what we saw, came home and immediately filled out the rental application thru our realtor and now we are awaiting news of the landlord acceptance. If we are accepted, our move date would be June 1st...not a whole lot of time to get packed-up, but I know we can do...we have done it many many times before.

We are so done with our current living situation...feeling much too cramped in 900 square feet and with all the rain we have been having the past month...this place has that awful musty smell and big black ants that want to get away from the water outside so they come into our kitchen, in our bathtub and making their way down to our bedroom...UGH. Our youngest cat, Puddin, is having a ball with them, but we are so tired of them.

I leave for Montana this Saturday morning so I really hope we hear something before I leave...it would make it so much better to know we have a place so when I come back we can concentrate on packing. I will, of course, have access to my e-mail while gone, so I wouldn't be totally out of the loop if we don't hear something, but to be truthful....I am not the most patient person and I want to know so I can start planning accordingly (tell the Post Office, tell all our bill people, schedule to active or turn off of utilities here and in our new place and etc.)

May is going to be a very busy month...I can feel it.

Still Here....

2011-04-20T10:49:00.000-04:00

Everyday that goes by, I say I am going to write a post and then my days get filled up with work stuff (both my full-time job and the part-time one)...UGH. I am doing ok and so looking forward to my solo vacation next Saturday out to Montana to see my two nieces for a week - so happy about this. I still have to book my limo to and from the airport (hopefully today on my lunch break).

AF arrived on Sunday, but as usually only lasted a day and was so so light (wearing Lightdays again). I just don't get it and my frustrating is building over it all. I really have to get in touch with my RE when I return from vacation and have a serious talk about this. When she ran my bloodwork last September - she didn't come out and say I was pre-menopausal, but did say that my ovarian reserve is depleting. She put me on the Premphase (in her words...to bring on my period because it had disappeared for 3 months) and I would say since being it, I have only had 2 good (normal flowing) periods which were when the 2 months after I started the Premphase. I also did some reading up on Premphase on the web and this is what it said: is used as hormone replacement in menopausal women who still have their uterus. This medicine helps to treat hot flashes and prevent osteoporosis (weak bones).

Ok, what the @#&^%?

I know during last summer when I didn't have my period for 3 months, I was experiencing hot flashes and boy, where they a big pain in the butt and I did mention that to her, so I understand that piece, but I need to ask her directly...am I starting menopause? Because if I am, then that would truly explain the light or none existent periods and is there other med out there that would work better for me or is this what it will be?

I also will explain to her that after being so depressed since the miscarriage and based on all my body's reactions since then and my upcoming 44th b-day, we are leaning towards "not trying to have a child". We are "finally" at the place of coming to terms with the hand that has been dealt to us and being "ok" with it.

This last miscarriage did a huge number on me and in turn has affect E and I relationship in the bedroom dept. I have to say since the miscarriage, we are lucky if we are intimate once to twice a month. It is so sad because it wasn't ever like this with us before. I blame a lot of it on myself and the very raw feelings I have over everything that has happened and now with finally starting to live again, I want this to change for us...I want the old "us" back. I don't want our lovemaking to have anything to do with the "what ifs of a child" anymore. I don't want the worry of it anymore, so maybe I need to ask for the BCP pills to help (if that is possible) to regulate my periods and also give me some piece of mind (security, shall we say) of the slightest possibility of becoming pregnant - I know in my heart that I would be so stressed out if it happened again - there wouldn't be much joy in it - as we all know, this is what infertility does and it sucks.

Saturday, March 27, 2010 - Day of My 2nd Miscarriage

2011-04-01T13:45:00.000-04:00

I can't believe a year has passed from the date above. With having such a busy week tending to my Thirty-One business and still searching for a different house to live in that I have to say I didn't even realize that the 27th was here and gone till last night. Maybe it was God's way of protecting me from the hurt all over again or maybe it was always in the back of my mind, but I just choose to focus on what was happening in the present instead. Whichever, I am thankful for not havin' a total meltdown this March 27th as I was driving home from work yesterday, because I am happy to report that I wasn't trying to drive through a flood of tears streaming down my face. For the last 3 months, I would say I am so much better than I was for many many months last year after the miscarriage. Maybe I am beginning to come to terms with the way God has chosen to play out my life as of late and am accepting the fact that we will be a childless couple (as you see I even change the title of my blog a week or so ago). I am trying very hard this year to focus on finding things in my life that will provide me a sense of true happiness and contentment instead of focusing on the sadness of the miscarriages, the realization that my body refuses to carry a child to full term and turning 44 years old in another month...oh my!

AF's Arrival...

2011-03-21T14:13:00.001-04:00

Arrival was yesterday morning, to say at least this is a 31 day cycle this time, but other than that it is acting very similar in length and quantity to last month's. Very very light (Lightdays only) and I would error on the side of it ending completely by tonight. So, again, I am not going to bother calling RE for any bloodwork. I am really in a state of flux right now with all of this and don't want to put any extra effort into finding out why at this point. I am finally feeling like I am ready to enjoy living again without the consistent sadness and grief I was feeling the majority of last year. I look back and I am amazed how I was able to function as well I did.

Both E and I have booked vacation in the upcoming months, he off to AZ in July and me off to MT in May. I am so looking forward to seeing MT and spending quality time with my two beautiful nieces. I really want to focus my efforts and thoughts on happy things for awhile now and begin to enjoy the little things again. E and I started our morning walk routine again last week after this horrible winter we had. It feels really good to get up and moving because I feel so much better after the walk and feel like I can face the day ahead with a brighter outlook. So many things in life are out of our control, so whatever I can control...I want to make the most of it.

It is Over Already....

2011-03-12T10:57:00.001-05:00

To say that I was heartbroken and just totally blind-sighted yesterday would be an understatement. I received this news via e-mail and I was shocked. I thought at least I would get an offer and maybe have to negotiate some, but to receive this (I blocked out the name of the place with ????):

We enjoyed meeting you this week. Thank you for coming and for your time. I have presented your resume to the Hiring Committee and they want me to express to you our thanks for your interest in the Database Manager position at the ??????. Unfortunately, at this time, we do not feel your background and experience meet the hiring criteria for this position.

Wishing you all the best and again we appreciate your interest in the position at ????.

First, off who is the Hiring Committee (they made no mention of showing my resume to a Hiring Committee) and second, we don't feel your background and experience meet the hiring criteria for this position...what the #@#$!??? I am doing this kind of work and have been doing it for the last 10 years. Again, I am really thinking this is just the standard way companies get out of telling prespective employee the TRUTH. It just really shook me to my core and the rest of yesterday was spent being sad, mad and totally frustrated. I even left my current job early because I just couldn't focus...my mind was reeling with this and trying to make sense of it all.

Now, it is Sat. morning and I am doing my best to "get a grip" and try to move forward. I will most likely keep looking (even though last night I said to E I don't know if I can go on looking after this - reeling in that moment), but now with a new day and having talk with my sister over the phone this morning - a good pep talk always helps, I know I will continue.

I was really thinking that this month of March was going to be different this year, possibly happier than last, but now I am not so sure...heartache has shown its ugly head again.

Part 2 - Job Opportunity On the Horizon...

2011-03-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

Yes, I had my interview on Tuesday morning and it went extremely well. I was there a total of 2 hours and meet with two HR people and the whole Development office (where I would be working). All seem like great women, most have been there for quite some time, except two that started late last year. The position I would be taking over is going from part-time to full-time because the woman who has it part-time is leaving because her son is graduating from the school plus she was told it would be turning into a full-time job now with more responsibilities and she wants to focus on her son going into HS and doesn't want a full-time position. I left there feeling very confident that they were interested in me and towards the end of my conversation with the Director, she asked me what my timeframe would be to start...which to me was a great indicator. After the interview, I headed into my current job and not half an hour later, the Director e-mailed me asking for my references (which I had them with me when I went - never sure if they would have me filling out an application), so I quickly scanned the document and sent them over to her - she e-mailed back how impressed she was with my quick response.

So, I am awaiting to hear of an offer. The school is heading out for Spring Break for the next two weeks starting Monday, so I am hoping I will hear something by tomorrow. They made no indication to me whether they would need me to come back for a second time to meet with anyone else.

I hate the waiting, of course, who doesn't, but I know once I give my notice, those 2 weeks are going to fly by so quickly. There will be lots of things to put in place here before I exit, so I am sure I will be busy.

It is ironic how this interview happened on the very same day last year when I found out I was pregnant. I think God is trying to spare me alittle of the heartache I am feeling by keeping my mind focused on this new career adventure. I do so appreciate this, as I know this whole month is going to be a tough one emotionally.

ABC's Of Me

2011-03-09T09:55:00.000-05:00

Seen this on other blogs...something fun...called ABC's of me, so I thought you might enjoy reading mine. So here it goes..

A. Age: I will turn 44 in May...OMG.

B. Bed size: King
C. Chore you dislike: I so dislike cleaning the bathroom. Possibly the nastiest job in the entire house.

D. Dogs: Don't have any but I do like dogs. We have 2 lovely kitties.
E. Essential start to your day: A nice cup of tea in a travel mug on my way to work.
F. Favorite color: purple
G. Gold or silver: Silver

H. Height: 5'4

I. Instruments you play(ed): Flute in grammar school.
J. Job title: Donor Services Associate for a Community Foundation.

K. Kids: None, 2 miscarriages both around 7-8 weeks.
L. Live: Connecticut
M. Mom’s name: Lillian
N. Nicknames: Jenna
O. Overnight hospital stays: I have never had to stay in the hospital over night.

P. Pet peeves: People who make meetings and come unprepared. People who are dishonest.
Q. Quote from a movie: I don't watch a lot of movies, so don't have one.

R. Righty or lefty: Right

S. Siblings: Sister who is 20 years old then me and 2 brothers who are 17 and 18 years older than me.
T. Time you wake up: 7:00 a.m. during the week, later on the weekends...love to sleep in!
U. Underwear: Odd question...yes I wear them. I like them in lots of colors.
V. Vegetables you don’t like: Beets
W.What makes you run late: when I can't get my hair to go right or my outfit to look good.
X. X-rays you’ve had: Teeth and knee
Y. Yummy food you make: I love to bake - oatmeal raisin cookies (my Mom's receipe) and breads. I also, make great pies like apple, coconut custard and chocolate with bananas.
Z. Zoo animal favorites: Seals

Job Opportunity On the Horizon...

2011-03-04T10:51:00.000-05:00

I finally got a call for an interview from one of the jobs (in a school environment) that I recently applied for and I am beyond thrilled. Interview is this coming Tuesday morning and I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that it turns out to be exactly what I am looking for a new position.

E and I have been looking at rentals, but so far nothing that fits our needs which, ironically, now with this interview might be a good thing that we aren't finding anything because if I get this job, I really don't want to be too much further north than where we currently live (this job will be a bit of a longer commute than now).

Tonight will be first Thirty-One party and I am so so excited. I am so hoping to get a booking or two from this party - giving away FREE product should help. I am fully ready with all my products and my presentation...feeling good about this (plus, leaving early from work today might also be helping!).

I have some work I need to do this weekend - my performance goals for FY '12...UGH. It is hard this year with me feeling the way I do about my current job situation, but I am going to try my best to "get in that zone" as if I wasn't looking to leave. My boss wants it to her on Monday and then she will be meeting with me later in the week to go over them.

Weird Dream...

2011-02-28T12:47:00.000-05:00

I had a weird dream last night...I went to a get together with some old high school friends and most of them in the room were married to each other and holding babies. The friend next to me was holding a baby and she turned to talk to me about the good ole' high school days and I remarked how the baby looked a lot like her husband (who was sitting across from us) and then she asked if I would like to hold the baby and I replied "yes" and then she asked how many children I had and when I replied that I didn't have any living children and that I had two miscarriages, she immediately turned and took the baby out of my arms and had this distasteful look on her face (like I had a strange disease) and turned to talk to the person sitting on the other side of her and then I woke up and immediately felt so sad and asking myself why do I have bear this cross.

I know that in the back of my mind I am always on my guard when I am in social settings and having to explain why at almost 44 years old and married...why we don't have any children. I have a few social events coming up in March that I will be attending and I am preparing myself for this inevitable question and the reaction that might come from it....pity, surprise, the "well have you tried...." UGH!

Also, we are approaching the 1 year anniversary on March 8th - when we found out I was pregnant for the second time and then at the end of March, reliving the day I found out I was miscarrying for the second time. It will be a month filled with such great emotion, I am sure. I just wish I wasn't a member of this club EVER...it just plain sucks.

Getting to Know Me Better Questions....

2011-02-25T20:58:00.004-05:00

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?

My cats are my "fur" babies. Dora is 4 1/2 and Puddin is 1 1/2 years old. Two female kitties - I feel they tend to be more lovable. Both love to be petted, Dora loves to lay in my lap and Puddin sleeps on my legs or my butt at night. They are definitely members of our family and I would be devastated to lose either one of them.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?

I'd love to have had a baby already - been a normal fertile woman. Have my Mom still here on earth. Be in a job I really love. Have E be finished with his schooling already and have a full-time IT job so we could purchase our own home.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?

I would quit my full-time job and do something part-time that I love. Go do IVF, definitely. Purchase a nice size home in the area we currently live (very expensive). Gve my family whatever they needed to live more comfortably. Purchase an Audi for myself. Travel to some places like Hawaii and Europe. Give some to my favorite cat shelter that we volunteer at and invest the rest for the future.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Trying to look at the positive...doesn't always work. Read a good book. Loving on my cats and (a nice kiss from E) works well.

5. What is your bedtime routine?

Brush my teeth, take out my contact lenses, remove all make-up then apply moisturizer. Get in my PJ and bring Puddin in the bedroom with me for the night.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other?

E and I met on an on-line dating site 10 years ago. He lived only 7 minutes away from where I was living at the time...which was really cool to find my spouse in my hometown (and not someone I went to HS with, LOL).

7. What kind of books do you read?

I read mostly fiction books and I seem to be drawn to reading stories that involve places that I am familiar with (Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, Bucks County, PA and Connecticut).

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?

I hope to be happily married, healthy and living in our own home with careers/jobs that we are happy in.

9. What’s your fear?

Losing E or someone close to me (my dad is 91 years old and in pretty good health, but I definitely am not looking for to his passing....both my parents will be gone then.)

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?

Nope, not really interested in what is out there. I like my junk food from time to time.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Turn off my alarm (if it is the during the work week). Put on my glasses (so I can see, LOL) then put on my socks and slippers and a zippered up fleece jacket over my pjs. Then hit the john!

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?

Confidence in himself.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I have always loved the name Emma. We had plan that name during my first pregnancy, if it was a girl. Now, that it is looking like we won't be having a child, I would like to have the name.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?

SUN

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

That is a hard one, because I don't like to consistently eat the same food, but if I had to choose one thing...a bagel with cream cheese.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?

Being able to say what I'm feeling without being judged. I feel blessed to have found this outlet, especially during my recent miscarriage (I didn't have that with the first and felt very very alone).

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?

Sweet

18. What items are in your purse right now?

A Thirty-One mini zipper pouch with advil, business cards, tide stick, pen. Small bottle of hairspray, a Thirty-One catalog, my brown velvet gloves, keys, a calculator, keycard for work, sunglasses. A wrislet wallet (from Thirty-One) with credit cards, licenses, change and about $40.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?

Beach...I love the sand and listening to the waves.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?

I really can't think of anything because I really don't watch alot of tv and I don't watch horror or violent things.

AF's Arrival...

2011-02-18T10:39:00.000-05:00

Well, doesn't it always go like this, the minute I write about AF not coming, she decides to show up last night. I am calling this one way way late and on the lighter side at best. I am going away for the long weekend to my Dad's house, so I am not even going to bother calling RE to get in for blood work on CD3. I am feeling it won't be worth it (I can bet the numbers will be a mess) plus I am not going to be around this area to go and get the bloodwork. I will continue on with the Premphase (since I have many refills left) and see how next month goes. I am so looking forward to getting away and having some downtime, I don't even want to think about all of this right now.

So, my focus is just to go off and have a nice time with my family and then when I return home I will have 3 days off from work to get some errands done (that just never seem to get done when I am working M-F) and work on our taxes and just enjoy the fact that I don't need to be at work and on a schedule.

Looks like E and I will be doing seperate vacations this year...by choice and not because of any issues. He wants to go out to Arizona with his sister (who has never been there) to spend time with his parents in June. I am contemplating taking a trip out to Montana to see my nieces around my birthday this May. I still have to work out the details with my older niece, but I am getting excited about this upcoming trip. I so need a trip like this by myself to spend time with my nieces (some girl time) and enjoy the beautiful scenery out there as well. This will be my first trip there which even makes it more exciting. Keeping my fingers crossed it all works out for both of us. We both deserve some R&R and family time with the ones we love.

Still Waiting on AF...

2011-02-16T09:42:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it is CD50 and just alittle spotting is all I have gotten in the last few days...UGH! I seriously don't know what to think. Last time I called my RE when I missed a month, she was like "oh no big deal, that happens", well now this has happened twice since I have been on Premphase. My expectations of this medicine was that it was suppose to bring on AF and the reason I was put on it was to bring on AF because before that I had gone months without it. I am just feeling plain frustrated and I feel like just giving up on any future of ever having a child. The more months that go by and the closer I get to my 44th B-day in May, the more I am thinking about a "childless" future for E and I. I am trying to look at the positive things we can do in our future that we wouldn't be able if we had a child. I want to be able to travel more, own our a home again, get a new car for me, me to be successful with Thirty-One and for E continue his education so he can land a full-time job in computer sciences. I realize that alot of this stuff won't happen if we did have a child anytime soon...if anything it would set us back alot in the financial area and any extra time to focus on anything else.

My patience and frustration levels are very high right now. Not sure if it has to do with all the stuff we are dealing with like trying to move again, trying to get my new "Thirty-One" business off the ground combined with no AF. I find myself just not tolerating stuff as easily anymore. I want so much for E and I now and in the future and things just aren't moving as fast as I would like them in all areas.

30 Nosey Fun Questions

2011-02-14T15:17:00.001-05:00

So here is a list of 30 Nosey Fun Questions about me for your enjoyment...

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? "My God, I need to do something different with my hair...UGH!!"

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now? Ha...maybe $12.00, I hardly ever carry cash around with me.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Floor

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? No one, I hardly ever miss a call because I don't have my cell phone on a lot.

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Don't have one.

6. What are you wearing right now? Gray dress slack with a funky 70's top with a black cardigan and black heels.

7. Do you label yourself? Nope

8. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently own? Privio...just purchased them on Saturday.

9.Bright or Dark Room? Depends on what time of day it is. I like it bright and sunny during the day, but at night time I like a dim room.

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? She has been through so much in her life at such a young age and has such a positive outlook on life.

11. What does your watch look like? It is a bracelet type watch in silver - Chico's.

12. What were you doing at midnight last night? I was fast asleep!

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? I don't text.

14. What's a word that you say a lot? Damn it!

15. Who told you he/she loved you last?(please exclude spouse , family, children) Well, no one because we can't include spouse or family.

16. Last furry thing you touched? Dora and Puddin

17. Favorite age you have been so far? 21

18. What was the last thing you said to someone? My boss, when can we meet to discuss......

19.The last song you listened to? Blackbird by Keith Urban

20. Where did you live in 1987? With my parents.

21. Are you jealous of anyone? Yes, sometimes I am jealous of people who do what they truly love as a career.

22. Is anyone jealous of you? Maybe, but I don't know who.

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times? Lip Balm, My Thirty-One business cards, my Thirty-One purse.

24. What’s your favorite town/city? Anywhere on Cape Cod.
25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? In the past 2 weeks.

26. Can you change the oil on a car? Nope and I don't want to know how, LOL.

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? That he inherited his parents house.

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now? my lower back...waiting on AF!

29.What is your current desktop picture? My Thirty-One Enrollment Kit

30. Have you been burnt by love? Oh, yes!

So far for 2011, the Planets Don't Seem to be Aligning....

2011-02-06T15:22:00.001-05:00

I have been feeling lately that nothing seems to be going as I had hope for the beginning of 2011. First, my current full-time job. In January it has been 3 years and I have been feeling the itch to leave since last summer. I feel like I am being pushed forward and then pull backward at the same time. A big chuck of my job, my boss would like to hire an assistant to do, but it seems all we ever do is talk about the future of this and nothing has comes of it. My boss wants me to grow within the department in a way by taking on different projects, but until this assistant comes on board, I am stuck. The other piece is that I would like to grow, but not sure if this job is the right place to do it. I am not on board with some of the ways my boss operates. She loves to "brainstorm" about things with me, but I walk away from these sessions feeling like we didn't resolve anything (all talk, no action). Our CEO announced her "retirement" this past Friday, which didn't come as a surprise to me or I think some others as well...she has been with the organization for 15 years (by the way my boss has too). They are the type of people that stay a long time at one place (I have never stay anywhere longer than 4 1/2 years) and they have strong attachments to the organization (I don't have those strong attachments, don't get me wrong there have been placing I have work that I really enjoyed and had to leave due to a "move" so not because I wanted to get out of the job.) So, all this being said, I have been on the hunt for a new job for awhile now and so far not much has come of any of the resumes I have sent, which is leading me to feel very frustrated and feeling alittle trapped in this current job...UGH.

Also, E and I aren't happy with our current living situation...this winter has been horrible on the East Coast and between the snowstorms and ice storms and living in the woods on small country roads and a non-paved long driveway...it has been very expensive in snowplowing and nerve-wrecking in dealing with where to put all the snow and trying not to "break our necks" on the icy driveway. This place is a small cottage built in the 1930's and has very drafty windows and hardwood floors, so it is costing us a small fortune to heat with the very cold temps this year. We already need another fill for our propane tanks and the last fill was in late November. Last year, we were able to stretch it much further. We also feel like we are outgrowing the space as well (especially with having another kitty join our family last April). She loves to run around and jump - she has lots of energy and we would love to have more room for her to do this. We love this place in the Spring/Summer because of the woods and the peacefulness of the area, but enduring these winter months are testing our patience. So, I have been looking for house rentals in this area and we have gone to see a two so far but neither fits the bill.

Lastly, AF - she is overdue (last was Dec. 29th) and I can't even say I am normally xx days in my cycle because I had that in a such a long time. I am feeling like even with the Premphase things are messed up with my cycles - nothing seems somewhat regular and I thought that was the point of the taking the Premphase. I am frustrated with this and it feels like every month that goes by that my cycles aren't normal and I am getting closer to being 44 years old in May...yikes! If you ask me today, how I feel about this and if I think there is a probability of ever being pregnant again, I would say it is very very low. I also have notice a change in my feelings towards not having a child versus how I was feeling a couple of months ago. I am not less often sad/angry about the probability of not having a child and I am starting to focus on some new possibilities that I could achieve in the future without motherhood. This might be due to all the stuff I am dealing with at the present time (see above), but time will tell once the above gets resolved, will I still feel like it is "ok" to be childless?

Still here...

2011-01-31T14:34:00.002-05:00

Been so busy lately with trying to find another job with better work/life balance, keeping on top of the Thirty-One business and then being sick (stomach virus - haven't been that sick in a long time), that I haven't gotten around to posting in almost a month, but I promise this week to sit down and give an update.

Bloodwork Results and Possible Hope....

2011-01-05T17:06:00.000-05:00

I went to have bloodwork done this past Monday (on 5th day of AF) and here are my results FSH 5, Estrogren 292 and Progestrone - normal (can't remember the exact number), so my RE advised that I continue on with the Premphase (plus it does agree with me, no side effects and no more hot flashes like I was having this past summer...woo hoo) with hopes that the estrogren will come down and the FSH will go up alittle because normal is 10. She believes it was so high because I didn't get a period in the month of November. I am definitely ovulating which is a good sign, she says, so we will go from here. If AF comes next month, then I will go for bloodwork again.

I do ask alot of questions regarding these numbers and what exactly this means in terms of getting pregnant again because this all is "foreign" to me. I have never used an ovulation predictor. I wish I had started back years ago as I wish I had gone for this kind of help back then as well, but I thought my first miscarriage was nothing to worry about and that so many women have miscarriages the first time around. Then 4 years went by and I was back on BC and planning our lives together and when I decided to go off BC, my midwife at the time didn't seem at all concerned that we weren't getting pregnant after 6-8 months. But, then we moved back to our hometown and more stresses (passing of my Mom, moving into a rental, finding jobs, E going to school) came into our lives with that and making a baby went on the back burner for that first year or so. Who would have thought that on the second year, I would get pregnant (out of the blue, so to speak) and then miscarry at 7 weeks and now here we are almost going on a year (next month) since that time.

I am really feeling like time is running out...I will be 44 in May this year (can't even believe that number when I type it), but no one else seems to be concerned, but me. Maybe I need to not think about the number per se, but how I young I do feel instead and get a positive attitude instead of the dreading stress of it.

I am putting faith in God and this RE that there might just be a little "miracle" in our future and that my body hasn't given up yet.

So it begins, a new year- hoping it will be a better one...

2011-01-01T21:50:00.000-05:00

I have always in the past had a hard time writing out a new year for the first week or so, but I had no trouble at all this first day of the new year writing out 2011 versus 2010. I think this tells me something already that I am so glad to see 2010 be gone. When I look back in reflection on 2010, all I seem to come up with is the sad stuff and can't seem to think of much good and I know we did have some good, but it seems overshadowed by the sad.

As far as any new year resolutions go...not going to make any. The one I have had for quite a number of years is always the same...lose weight. Yeah, yeah, yeah...we all know this story...we start out great for the first couple of weeks and then we fall off the wagon...been there, done that. I know I should lose weight, this is an ongoing issue I live with on a daily basis. I have lost and regained numerous times, it is a cycle that I believe will always be with me for the rest of my life. Do I like this, no, could I change it, yes, but for the long haul, I seriously doubt it. In many ways, I have accepted this, but there are days where I still don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Winter time is the hardest...I look for the comfort food so much more. Cold weather days I am stuck inside an office from 9-5 and then the weekends I am stuck inside the house. On the weekends I long to sleep in an hour or 2 more than on the weekdays - under my nice cozy fleece sheets, then get up a have a nice leisurely breakfast of either eggs/bacon or pancakes/bacon with E. I just not ready to give all these things up right now. I feel like all week long I am under stress at work, I deserve alittle TLC (sleeping in, eating bigger meals, sitting around on the couch or computer) on the weekends.

There is one thing in my life that is making me happier and that is my Thirty-One consultant business and what it holds for me in 2011. I received my first commission check this past week and I was quite giddy about it. I truy love these products and so hoping to share my enthusiasm about the products with others. My original intent to become a consultant wasn't to make money, but was to share these products with others and to have social interactions with other women - make new friends. I am now hoping to do a bit of both in 2011.

This past Tuesday was E and I anniversary - 6 years married, so we decided (as we always do) to go out to dinner at a new restuarant in our area that we haven't been before. We usually try to do this on that day, but with the snowstorm the day before (18 inches of snow), we decided to wait till Thursday to do this. We had a very nice dinner, but what really top the day off for me was the fact that AF decided to show up that morning...can you believe her timing...here I thought she wasn't coming this month at all and she shows up in all her glory including cramps...UGH. I had mixed emotions about seeing her, but all in all it hasn't been that bad. I immediately called my RE that morning to see about going in for bloodwork and was told to go in on Friday since this was a holiday weekend. Well, it didn't work out since the lab turned out to be closed on Friday for the holiday weekend so now I will have to go on Monday before going into work. It shall be interesting to see my numbers and where we will go from here.

Come on 2011...be a good year.

Xmas is in 3 days...bahumbug!

2010-12-22T13:45:00.000-05:00

It just doesn't seem real that it is 3 days away. Last year at this time, I was at least excited about it coming and having my family over, but this year, it is more like dread. We will be spending Xmas Eve day at my brothers house with family and Xmas Day just E and I, but overall Xmas just isn't the same anymore. This year will be 3 years since my Mom passed away and this year it is hitting me very hard, plus coupled with the fact that I should have a newborn in my arms as well. Just plain makes me so sad.

AF is no where in sight for this month and I discussed this with my RE and she said this does happen and that I should continue with my last refill of Premphase and call her if I get AF or not. I am just plain frustrated with this whole process of waiting that it just makes me think my body is saying "you are done and there is no hope".

My job has been insanely crazy and just found out today another co-worker gave her notice and will be leaving in January - she is moving out of the country. At least this position they will replace, but still I truly believe that people aren't happy here anymore and that is why they are jumping ship. I want to be one of them, but have to find that right fit for me in order to do this. I recently applied for another job in a different environment (one I have been in past) and they will be scheduling interviews for the selected candidates starting early January. I am hoping and praying I will be one of the lucky ones to get a call. It is a bit of a step down from what I am doing now, but I believe it will be in a happier environment and less stress.

Right now I am just looking forward to being off from work Friday - Sunday. We are expecting a snowstorm (not sure how much right yet) on Sunday and possibly into Monday as well, so that should be interesting as my job allots only 6 hours of snow time off a year and very rarely closes the office - and no working from home! I already used an hour back in the early part of year..UGH. I would just love to have a job where if it snows, it is an automatic day off - no questions asked. I had this before and it is SO my wish to have it again - keeping my fingers crossed.

2011 has got to be a better year than 2010...please, oh, please!

Not Feeling it.....

2010-12-04T10:43:00.000-05:00

I am so not into Xmas this year and for the last 2 years right about now I would be planning out what our Xmas card would say. I had been doing a reflective look back on our year as our card, but this year when I look back on all we have been thru, I don't see anything happy to write about. So I won't be doing them this year...who wants to read about unhappiness....plus not everyone knows of our miscarriage this past year.

I took the afternoon yesterday off from work to run errands and had talked to E about getting a Xmas wreath for our door (we don't do a tree because our place is small and with having Puddin this year - not sure how she would be with a tree begin she is only a year old). I miss the smell of a live tree so I thought a wreath would be nice. When I was looking them over at the store, I picked up 2 of them and the needles started to come off and my "bubble of hapiness" just bursted. I started to think well, now we will have needles all over the place and with Puddin going onto our screenporch, she will probably want to eat them and we will be tracking them into the house. I just turned around and left...UGH UGH UGH!

I haven't put up any decorations around the house, still have the Fall stuff out. I just don't have the desire or energy to put up anything. All our Xmas stuff is packed away up in the loft part of the garage on the property and I have no desire to go out there either. Plus, we won't be having anyone here this Xmas, so I told E what does it matter.

I really hate feeling this way, but I just can't seem to shake it lately. I find myself feeling ok on some days and then out of the blue something will hit me...watching tv with commericals of toys for kids for Xmas or I start to think about how I should be holding my newborn right now instead of dealing with a full-time job with an ever increasing workload and wondering why has this job taken over my life?

Lastly, I am very frustrated because I am on Day 10 of Premphase and AF is no where in sight...WTF?? Last month I was so happy she arrived (after not having AF for 4 months) and just expected the same for this month. I just can't figure out my body and that makes me sad because I am thinking it is telling me that I am headed for pre-menopause and there is no chance of a future pregnancy. Time is just ticking away and I can't even get AF on a regular cycle....just so so frustrating.

So I like to at least end this with a positive note, I decided this week to become a consultant for Thirty-One Accessories (I have mentioned these pretty bags prior in my posts and how much I love them). I need a something in my life that I can focus on other than my crappy full-time job and not having a baby right now. What woman doesn't get some high/happiness from a new accessory! Plus, I have had recent interest from friends/co-workers in them. Here is my webpage: http://www.mythirtyone.com/49392/. Feel free to contact me if interested.

I am still here....

2010-11-23T13:53:00.000-05:00

I have been reading lot of blogs, but not really posting much in response. I am at a low-point right now with lots of stuff in my life. First, I want to make a change in my career and was so hoping it was going to happen much sooner than later, but the job fell through. At first I was ok with it, but now as the weeks keep going on and I keep looking it makes me realize that I really did want that job more than I originally thought. So, it is making me frustrated and sad. I keep telling myself there has to be a reason for it - God's plan, but it doesn't make it any easier to push forward some days. My current job has me under tremendeous stress...UGH.

Second, the holidays and family. I am just not into it this year. I miss my Mom so much and holidays were really special when she was alive. She will be gone this coming May - 3 years now, but for whatever reason this year her not being here is really affecting me. I think it has to do with the fact that I am still very emotionally heartbroken about the miscarriage and that I should be holding our baby right now and learning to be a mother myself and looking to her for guidance. I just feel like no one remembers.

I told E the other day, that I think we shouldn't purchase gifts for one another this year and just get something we both want together - like maybe a laptop (we were looking at them back in late August and thought it might be a good idea to have another computer in the house especially with him taking computer courses with lots of homework/labs to do). Plus due to our financial situation of one-income, we don't have the extra monies to go all out and spend lots on Xmas gifts. I am going to keep it to a bear minimum of spending this year, plus with the way I have been feeling lately I doubt will have much Xmas spirit anyway. E strung some white lights around the lamp post and bush near our front door the other day, but not sure if I am going to bother with our tiny indoor tree.

I just finished my second box of Premphase last night, so awaiting AF's arrival any day now...what a fun holiday gift! I will be calling up Dr. M (Infertility doc.) when AF arrives to get bloodwork done again on the 3rd day. The FSH had come down last month (will fill in number later from paperwork), but she wants to see it go down further. I am tiring not to think any further than now with this whole process and leaning towards "not much hope". I feel like if I think this way, I am better off then having more heartache. I just don't think I can take it right now.

On the positive side, E and I continue to do our morning walk on the weekdays. I really find that these walks help me so much - it is so worth getting up 30 minutes earlier. Plus it gives us time to talk and catch up. Last Saturday, I had my hair highlighted a cooper-reddish color and I have to say I am really liking it and getting lots of compliments too - that makes me smile.

E and I are spending the holidays by ourselves (our choice) and eating our Thanksgiving dinner at a local restuarant. I am looking forward to be waited on - so what I need right now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Change is a Brewing....

2010-10-25T13:41:00.002-04:00

I have so much I want to write about but just couldn't seem to find, in the last few weeks, the right time to just sit down and do a "brain dump" here. To say that my life has been all consuming with work, is an understatement. This job is robbing me of a personal life and I am hating every minute of it. The work/life balance is just not there. It has been coming for quite some time, but I just have dealt with it over the past year, but since the miscarriage in March and all the emotions I have experienced lately, I would say since May I have been struggling with how to get a better work/life balance. I want a job where it isn't about how much you can produce in a day, but how well you did one or 2 things that day and how it made you feel like you made a difference...not just checking things off and moving on. My job has turned into more about quantity than quality. The environment has changed as well - we lost 2 people on staff in September that held positions where they were responsible for major projects within the organization and there has been no talk about whether they are going to be replaced, so in turn those responsibilities are falling upon the remaining staff members. I work in a small organization of about 18 people and to have 2 people leave in one month has put an enoromous strain on all of us. I can't even imagine if I was still pregnant right now, the amount of stress I would be dealing with...I would definitely been on early leave. It just proves to me that I am not the same person I use to be...I don't just want to deal with things that are throw my way just because I should be grateful I have a job. I don't want to sacrifice my happiness just because of a job. I want to surround myself with people who want that work/life balance. Who understand that if you put in your 8 hours a day, that is good enough. Who understand how important family is. Who understand that if I don't feel well or something comes up with my family health-wise (like my 91 year old father goes to the ER because he has a touch of pneumonia), that they truly understands and I don't hear comments like "well, what about your workload or when my contact lens ripes in half in my eye (and I don't have a replacement with me) and can't see out of one eye and I say I am going home at 3 p.m. and not coming back...well, you know this is inconvenient". I want a job where I can take a vacation day or two and not feel like I come back to a mountain of work and spend all day just trying to catch up and wondering was it really worth it? This organization tries to proud themselves on teamwork, but I don't see it. All of us are just trying to keep our heads above water here...how the HELL can we help each other...we need more bodies! To say I am burnt-out is an understatement...I am at the point where holding all the balls up in the air for as long as I could is slowly crashing down on me - those balls are going to be hitting me square in the face very soon and to tell you the truth...I really don't care. I know this is a sign and what it means to me that things need to change and soon. There has got to be more to LIFE than just work, eat, sleep and do it all over again. So, if you all can say a prayer for me, that I will be seeing that wonderful colorful rainbow very soon. As I am currently working on doing everything within my power to make this change come true.

P.S. I finished taking Premphase last Thursday night and now awaiting AF...boy I hope she comes soon because my lower back and pelvis are killing me. UPDATE: Well, I just found out that I should be continuing to taking the next refill of Premphase, so a quick call to the pharmacy and they will have it for me tomorrow and that I might not even get AF this month and not to worry....UGH UGH UGH! This is an emotional rollercoaster for my body!

8 Little Questions and 8 Little Answers

2010-10-12T17:06:00.002-04:00

I saw this on a fellow blogger's site http://taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com/ (this woman is amazing and she was one of the first blogs I started to follow way before I created my own...go read her story).

1. What is the best vacation you have ever taken/ favorite vacation spot?

So, far my favorite vacation spot is Cape Cod, MA. I absolutely love it there. I immediately get that laid back feeling when I arrive there. I love all the houses and cottages and their short distance to the beaches. I have had lots of good memories over the years vacationing there with my family and E. We didn't get an opportunity to go there this year, but I am already hoping that we can plan to rent a house for a week there next year during the late Spring/early Summer...can't wait.

2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be/why? (Money isn't an object)

Wow, this is a tough one because one I feel there are so many places in the world I haven't been yet. And two, E and I tried to live in another state for 4 years, but got very homesick for family and friends. So this is a tough one for me to answer at this moment because I would definitely want to stay in the same town and state we are currently living (that money is no object would allow us to purchase a home in this very expensive part of CT). In the future as we grow older and have less family here and friends come and go, that might change.

3. What is your "go-to" outfit? or your favorite outfit?

Well, I dress up 5 days a week in nice business attire for work, so I would have to say my "go-to"/favorite outfit would be a nice pair of yoga/work-out pants, a tank top and a fleece jacket. I jump into these clothes immediately when I get home from work.

4. What are you most thankful for in your life?

I am thankful to have met E, almost 10 years ago. We have been through so much together, good and bad, but we have always come out being survivors. Can't imagine walking this earth without him by my side. I am thankful for my family and friends and for my current health status. I am thankful for all the wonderful career opportunities I have been given thus far.

5. What is one piece of advice you would give other women?

Because of everything I have been through...the fact that I didn't met E till I was 34 years old and then got pregnant the first time at 38 years old and miscarried and now at 43 years old for the second time and miscarried...I gave this advice to my 35 year old niece over the weekend and any other woman younger than me....if you really truly want a child and you are waiting for the "right time" or the "right situation", don't wait too long. There will be no "perfect time" and don't ever think that by going off BCPs that you will automatically become pregnant...it could take years.

6. What is one thing you plan to accomplish before the end of this year?

To keep progressing in my career and to keep on the "healthy" path by making healthy choices and exercising.

7. What is your favorite purchase you have made in the past month?

My "Thirty-One" Demi Purse - this purse is from a company called "Thirty-One" that a friend of mine has become a consultant. They have the cutest bags and purses. If anyone is interested in seeing the catalog, I have a link to their on-line catalog.

8. Do you save money for things? What are you saving for? If not, what would you like to save you money up for?

We are trying to save money for a downpayment on a home. We miss not owning our own place, but with E not having a full-time job right now, we can't apply for a mortgage without 2 incomes.

There, questions and answers are finished. Feel free to use this on your blog. Let me know when you do, so I can check out your answers.

Follow-Up to My Appt w/RE

2010-09-29T13:37:00.000-04:00

I have been waiting to post for the past week now about the above, because I just hadn't decided on how to write about this post.

I don't have the bloodwork results paperwork right in front of me, so I can't go into the detail of every test that was run, but 99% of them comeback in the normal range. I do not have PCOS or diabetes, but, the one thing that has changed since I had bloodwork done this past February is that my egg quantity/quality is deminishing as we speak mostly likely due to my age. The RE said, this is what she suspects was the reason for miscarriage in March (the quality), even though there wasn't enough tissue for the lab to test for an exact reason...UGH. So, RE put me on Premphase because I haven't had a period since May 24th! When I get my period, I am to call her so I can get a script to go get my FSH levels retested. I am not hoping for any kind of miracle at this point. She then started to talk about IVF and adoption as possible next steps.

Ever since I had my first miscarriage and started to hear the word IVF and what that meant, I knew in my heart that it wasn't something I was interested in pursuing. Now, after my second miscarriage and my mature age, I still feel the same way. I had a talk with E about his feelings and he doesn't feel that this is the road for us. He has a strong feeling against donor eggs. He knows how I feel about the whole process and totally gets all my fears. He knows how I get just being overwhelmed by stuff and to try to manage all the ups and downs of IVF with everything else would be very tough to deal with. Finally, the last sticky point is the financial piece. Our insurance doesn't cover women over 40 for inferilty treatments. We are currently living on one income. We have always had the motto of "if it happens then great, but not at the cost of us going broke". We need to remain a strong unit for each other and have a solid marriage. I have read stories of couples that go down the IVF road only to have lost each other in the process - I never ever want that for us. Though, if IVF is your chosen path, I wish you much success. At the end of my appt, RE said, "you need to know, that in your hearts, you did what is right for you."

So, this is where things stand as of this moment. I am sadden by this, but then I try to turn my thinking towards the positive stuff that came out of this - I am basically a healthy 43 year old woman (I was so worried about my health especially the PCOS). I have a good life with E - we love each other, we have food on our table, a place to live, a warm bed at night, and nice clothes on our backs...we have the basics (a foundation). This is what keeps me moving forward in a positive manner. Don't get me wrong I have and will have my days of this sucks and why me, but all in all what brings me back to my senses are the basics. Because to me, without the basics in place, we would be in an EVEN tougher situation with a million more problems/issues to deal with.

Random Stuff

2010-09-17T09:49:00.000-04:00

I have lost 4 lbs in the last month since being on the GI diet and walking every morning with E...woo hoo for me! I am feeling better physically and mentally than I was a month ago...smiling more, happy to come to work, not feeling as tired and rundown and overall thinking more about a (hopefully) brighter future for E and I.

A bunch of us at my company have joined a "Fitness Challenge - 10,000 Steps" competing with other companies - every week we see how many steps we have walked with our pedimeters. This challenge started about 2 weeks ago and ends after Thanksgiving. So, far our company has rank #7 among 15 companies. This week, will be my highest yet of steps (we send in our weekly steps on Monday a.m.) and so far I am at 20,000 for this week...woo hoo! Seeing those steps and being of a somewhat competitive nature really has me thinking how important exercise and eating healthier foods. I won't lie to you that when that alarm clock goes off and I know I need to get-up and do our walk that there isn't times I would love to just roll over and fall back to sleep, but I just keep in my mind how good I am feeling right now and that is my motivation, plus E is up before me and ready to go...my BEST motivator!

I called my RE's office yesterday to see if there has been any news on the results of all that bloodwork and glucose testing I did last week and she wasn't in, but just got a returned phone call saying she wants to see me next Wed. morning to go over the results in person - not all our in as of now, but maybe by then more will be. She wrote me a very nice follow-up letter detailing all the recommended testing for us to do in the next couple of months.

About a month ago, E and I took a trip up to the casino in our area and I put $20 in a penny slot and won $160 and immediately cashed out and put that money in my purse. We left shortly after that winning because I decided I want to go and get a bread machine with part of that winnings. We went to an outlet mall near by but none had one I was interested in, so when we got home I went on line and found one at Amazon.com for $84 and order it. It came about 5 days later and I immediately starting making bread that evening. The first loaf was out of the GI cookbook - Oatmeal Bread - it was good, but alittle heavy. The second loaf was a cinnamon raisin bread - a recipe off the internet that I refined alittle for the GI diet and it was very good, but needed more raisins for my taste. The third loaf, which I made the other night, out of the GI cookbook was a sun-dried tomato and basil bread (which we had the next night with a lovely curry carrot soup I made) and it was good, but I think next time I will cut up the sun-dried tomatoes into small pieces so they go through-out the bread and maybe use fresh basil versus dried. All in all, I am absolutely lovin this bread machine.

This season (fall) is my absolute favorite time of the year. I am lovin the cool crisp mornings while on our walks. I have already seen some trees in our area turning colors. I am starting to dig out some of my fall clothes and that always makes me happy to wear something I haven't worn in awhile, plus feeling good about the way they fit is helping as well. I get into the mood of wanting to surround myself with the wonderful smells of autumn like cranberry, pumpkin and maple, so I have my Scensty warmers filled with those scents and making homemade soups and stews so the whole house just smells great.

What is your favorite time of year?

Weird Dream

2010-09-15T23:06:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with 4 babies. I was at my RE office in the examination room with a johnny-coat on and a nurse came in and said the doc wants to do an ultrasound (I was feeling all happy inside at this moment to see the babies - like it was the first time). When the doc. came in instead she immediately went for my arm and stuck me several times with a needle for blood. I asked her why she was doing this and she said, well, (in a very low voice) we need to see if the babies have "down sydrome." I said, OMG, if they do have down sydrome, how am I going to handle this? She just look at me with a sad face. I quickly asked how far along I was and she replied "well about 36 weeks" and the feeling of panic set in. I awoke in a cold sweat with my heart racing.

It is weird how dreams are formed from the deepest part of your mind. Down sydrome has definitely crossed my mind as we move forward and was present in my thoughts while recently pregnant. But one thing that shakes me from thinking too hard about it is to think about my Mom who was 42 years old in 1967 when she gave birth to me not knowing whether I would be born with or without down sydrome - there was no "high-risk" monitoring or amnio testing. It is amazing to think how times have changed.

Miscarriage Etiquette

2010-09-10T21:55:00.000-04:00

I found this on another blog, and just had to share it:

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, and her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Miscarriages are one of the worst things that could happen to someone. Please always be sensitive and give someone time to heal. They will never forget...but one day they will be able to think about it without crying.

Appt. with RE

2010-09-07T18:12:00.001-04:00

Today was my appt with my new RE and I have to say she is great. I feel so blessed to have 2 great doctors...knowledgeable, warm and compassionate women. We spent about an hour together going through my history. Based on what Dr. G. thinks about the PCOS, she is leaning that way too so I am scheduled tomorrow morning for a battery of bloodwork to be taken and also a 2-hour glucose test. She also gave me a script for E for a semen analysis (he was surprised when I presented him with it when I returned home from my appt, but is gladly and willingly to participate, with a sheepish grin on his face, LOL). I have never had a glucose test before, so I don't know what to expect or how I will feel afterwards, I called into work and told my boss I will be taking another day off tomorrow. In a way, I could have probably gone in afterwards, but to tell the truth I could use another day away from work. I have so enjoyed my long holiday weekend that I want to continue to focus on this stuff and give it top priority. One of the question, the RE asked me was do I feel depressed and at first I was going to quickly answer "no", but then I thought a minute and realized "yes" I do feel depressed at times and she said "and you should....a loss is a loss no matter how far along your were in your pregnant, you need to give yourself that time to grieve no matter how long that takes. In ways I have grieved, but I still find myself at times, even after 6 months have passed since the miscarriage, I still cry (I had a big meltdown after my mammogram last week - filing out the paperwork and having to write 2 pregnancy - no live births, boy did that sting bad) and have thoughts about where would I be at this stage if I was still pregnant. I realize at times, that I hold alot inside and tell myself you should be over it by now....others have moved on, why can't you.

Also, the RE told me (which was nice to hear) a miscarriage isn't your fault and that majority of the time there is something wrong with the fetus and nothing you did. I know this is hard for (me) and most of us because we as women carry the baby, we are the ones going through everything and we are the ones who will be the first to put blame on ourselves....it is a hard thing not to do. The very best part of my appt. for me personally, I am so proud of myself, is that I held it together, listened and absorbed it all - there were no tears - this is a big step for me.

Lastly, Dr. G. over the past 8 months has done a variety of bloodwork on me and I had them send those records to this RE and one very good thing she pointed out to me during my appt. is that my FSH is in a very good range (at the higher end) which means my eggs aren't 43 year old, but more like a 25 year old woman - Edit to this on 9-22 after bloodwork taken on 9-15 - FSH - 98.5 - not good egg quality. So, since February, my eggs have declined dramatically - mostly likely due to age. RE gives me script for med to bring on period and will retest FSH again when period arrives.

So, tomorrow morning after fasting, I will head down to the lab for bloodwork and glucose testing. Going to pack a bag with my book and my knitting - might as well keep myself busy doing the two things I enjoy.

Updates

2010-08-31T10:47:00.001-04:00

I am still on the GI diet (went off alittle over this past weekend due to spending it with my sister and Dad, had a really great time visiting with them) and E and I are still walking faithfully in the early mornings for 30 minutes. Work is crazy busy for me right now...I am trying to cram in has much work that is due in the next 2 days so I can leave here on Thursday at 5 p.m. and be relaxed about being away for the long holiday weekend till next Wednesday.

Not sure if I will continue to write my food journal on here from now on...I think it is getting alittle boring in some ways. I am excited about my upcoming appt. on Friday morning with the RE, just hoping that this hurricane that is coming up the East Coast for late Thursday night doesn't impact me having to reschedule this appt. I specifically took off this Friday so I could go to this appt. without worrying about coming back to my office afterwards. I don't want to feel at all rushed and if I do get emotional during it, I want to know I can go home and digest everything. Still no AF and it will be 3 months now...UGH. I am really hoping she will put me on a med to bring this on because I truly think it is one reason why I don't feel great and also I am now experiencing HOT FLASHES a couple of times during the day now. I read that this doesn't only happen as your approach MENOPAUSE or are in it, this can be related to PCOS or your hormone levels not being right.

Otherwise, things are status quo. E starts school this Thursday evening (hopefully the hurricane doesn't cancel his first class), he seems excited about going back and so hoping that by taking these IT courses it will yield a job in the end. I am so looking forward to my long holiday weekend. We are having E's sister and family over on Saturday for a cook-out, but otherwise no other definite plans.

Well, off to my mammogram this afternoon.

UPDATE: Rescheduled my appt. with the RE for this coming Tuesday morning - due to worrying about the possible hurricane (which didn't even materialized, but better to be safe than sorry). My mammogram came out "normal"...at least that was a positive experience (something to be very thankful for).

Day Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen and Some Other Thoughts from the Week

2010-08-26T23:20:00.000-04:00

Food Journal:
Monday:
Breakfast - apple with pepperjack cheese
Lunch - small salad with yogurt dressing
Snack - 1/2 cup of trail mix with wasabi peas
Dinner - 1 small bowl of Black Bean Chili (made from recipe in GI cookbook) with 3 mini-garlic bread rolls
Snack - 2 small blueberry/oatmeal muffins (made from recipe in GI cookbook) with cup of hot tea
Early evening - 30 minute walk around the neighborhood with E

Tuesday:
Early a.m. - 30 minute walk around neighborhood with E
Breakfast: Grapes with pepperjack cheese
Lunch - small salad with red kidney beans, cranberries, walnuts with balsamic vingear
Snack - rice crackers with washbi peas
Dinner - 1/2 container of store-bought Red and Yellow Curry Thai Soup with Chicken and Rice and 3 slices of Oatmeal Bread
Snack - Cup of Hot Tea with 1 blueberry/oatmeal muffin (made from GI cookbook)
Early evening - 30 minute walk around neighborhood with E

Wednesday:
Early a.m. - 30 minute walk around the neighborhood with E
Breakfast: Peach with pepperjack cheese
Lunch - 1/2 of Thai Steak Salad made from my work cafe - spaghetti, avocado, pineapple, cilantro and a small strip of steak with peanut dressing
Snack - rice crackers with washbi peas
Dinner - 1 portabello mushroom burger with monterey jack cheese on a whole wheat bun with grilled lettuce salad and yogurt dressing
Snack - 1/2 cup of coffee ice cream

Thursday:
Early a.m. - 30 minute walk around the neighborhood with E
Breakfast - Peach with pepperjack cheese
Snack - rice crackers with washbi peas
Dinner - 2 Turkey Tacos on Multi-Grain Tortillas with Pineapple Salsa
Snack - Kashi Pumpkin Pecan Bar with a cup of hot tea

I am heading off tomorrow to spend the weekend at my Dad's house (without E). It will be good to spend time with both him and my sister who lives there with him. She is a teacher and will be heading back to school next week. Can't believe summer is almost over. I have had one hell of a busy week at work. There just seems to be so many different projects going on at the same time that I am involved with. In ways it is good and the days fly by but in other ways it makes me crazy that I don't get much time to breathe. Next week is another short week for me at work as I am taking off Friday and the following Tuesday for an extra long holiday weekend. We are having E's sister and family over Labor Day weekend, but otherwise we have no plans and that is fine with me because I just want to relax. Next Friday is my appt with the RE. I have filled out all the paperwork they sent me and faxed it back to them. It will be interesting to hear what she has to say about PCOS that my OB/GYN believes I have and her take on my recent miscarriage.

Day Seven, Eight and Nine

2010-08-22T22:17:00.000-04:00

Food Journal:
Friday:
30 minute walk around the neighborhood with E
Breakfast - 15 grapes with pepperjack cheese
Lunch - 1/2 whole wheat wrap with grilled chicken, tomato, lettuce, yellow peppers and ranch dressing and 1/2 cup of chickpea salad
Snack - mix nuts with rice crackers
Dinner - 2 pieces of Chicken Marsala made from GI Cookbook (came out awesome) and a side salad with yogurt dressing and a glass of vanilla soy milk
Snack - a piece of Strawberry Bread made from GI Cookbook (so yummy!)

Saturday:
Spent majority of the day walking around the casino then shopping at the outlets
Breakfast:: Kashi Cereal in Vanilla Soy Milk with Blueberries and a piece of strawberry bread
Lunch - 2 short ribs with a small salad
Snack - Grapes and some washbi peas
Dinner - 1 whole wheat english muffin with peanut butter and hot cup of tea with honey
Snack - 1 cup of popcorn

Sunday:
No walking today - pouring rain all day - spent a.m. at the cat shelter volunteering (cleaning up after the cats)
Breakfast:: Egg Beater Omelet with Mushrooms, Onions and Green Peppers with a small side of hashbrowns
Lunch: 1 slice of Strawberry Bread with a cup of hot tea
Snack: Grapes with washbi peas
Dinner: 2 slices of homemade BBQ chicken pizza and a side salad with Yogurt dressing

Day Four, Five and Six

2010-08-20T09:34:00.001-04:00

As each days passes, I am feel much better physically and in turn my spirits are improving. I had a slight headache yesterday afternoon (Thurs.) that made me feel sick to my stomach, but I took some Advil and it slowly went away. Had some stressful moments this week with my Dad not feeling well, but he seems to be doing better now. All in all, it has been a good week and looking forward to a nice weather weekend.

Food Journal:
Tuesday:
Early am - 30 minute walk around the neighborhood with E
Breakfast: Pear with 4 mini chunks of pepperjack cheese and a handful of mixed nuts
Lunch: 1 cup of Kung Po Chicken with Brown Rice and 1/2 cup of chickpea salad
Snack: 1/2 cup Strawberry/Pineapple Cottage Cheese
Dinner: 1 Arnold's Thin Bread with Pulled Pork and 1/2 cup of cole slaw and 3 tblsp. chickpea salad with a 8oz glass of soy milk
Snack: 10 grapes
Early Evening - 30 minute walk around the neighborhood with E

Wednesday:
Early a.m. - 30 minute walk around the neighborhood with E
Breakfast: Peach with 4 mini chunks of pepperjack cheese and a handful of mixed nuts
Lunch - small salad with balsamic, tomatoes, cranberries, crumbled blue cheese, sprouts and red kidney bean with an Apricot White Tea Drink
Snack - handful mixed nuts with rice crackers
Dinner - Both from the low GI recipe book - Hawaiian Chicken (2 thighs) and 2 pieces of the Corn and Zucchini Bake

Thursday:
Early a.m. - 30 minutes walk around the neighborhood with E
Breakfast - Breakfast: Peach with 4 mini chunks of pepperjack cheese and a handful of mixed nuts
Lunch - 1/2 whole wheat wrap with grilled chicken, tomato, lettuce, yellow peppers and ranch dressing
Snack - handful of mixed nuts
Dinner - 1 1/2 oat bran/whole wheat pitas with flax seed pizzas - homemade
Early evening - 30 minute walk with E around the neighborhood
Snack - 3/4 cup of coffee ice cream

Day One, Two and Three of Low Glycemic Diet

2010-08-16T22:21:00.001-04:00

Food Journal:
Saturday:
Breakfast - Kix Cereal with lowfat milk and nectarine
Lunch - 1 1/2 cups of Kung Po Chicken with brown rice
Snack - 1/2 avocado with pita chips (10) and mango salsa
Dinner - 2 whole wheat slider buns with hamburger meat and pepperjack cheese, homemade chickpea salad and homemade yogurt with OJ - strawberry/pineapple smoothie

Sunday:
Breakfast - Kashi Cereal with soy milk and a peach
Lunch/Dinner - 1 whole wheat slider with pulled pork, mini corn bread with margarine and 1/2 cup of cole slaw.
Piece of fruit tart for dessert
Snack - 20 grapes with 4 mini chucks of pepperjack cheese
a.m. walk around the neighborhood for 30 minutes

Monday:
Breakfast - a Pear with 4 mini chucks of pepperjack cheese
Lunch - 1 1/2 cups of Kung Po Chicken with Brown Rice
Snack - 1/2 cup of Cottage Cheese with Strawberry/Pineapple pieces in it with a 1/2 cup of mixed nuts
Dinner - 1 Arnold's multi grain bread Thins with pulled pork and 2 tblsp of coleslaw with 1/2 cup of homemade chickpea salad and a 8 oz glass of soy milk
Snack - Pita Chips (8) with mango salsa
a.m. walk around the neighborhood for 30 minutes

Scheduled appt. with RE for September 3rd and a mammogram for Aug. 31st.

Follow-Up from Doc. Appt.

2010-08-14T18:41:00.001-04:00

It was an good 45 min. to an hour visit with Dr. G., we had lots to talk about. Here is the summary:

AF hasn't been around since May 24th - should I worry - Dr G. says "nope" - normal, especially after a miscarriage, but also said that she believes I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and that could be another reason why no AF.

She wants me to go see an RE (Reproduction Endocrinologist) and gave me a name of one to make an appt. She also shared with me a story about one of her patients who is 2 years younger than I, had gone through using meds and also 2 IVFs (that cost them their savings) and last year when she came to Dr. G. for the first time...Dr. G. recommended since they had exhausted all their financial resources to "trying to go it naturally" and lo and behold she is due to have her baby via c-section (yesterday) via Dr. G. So, miracles do happen and she wants me to be very sure that I have done all I can do (within my abilities) before I throw in the towel on the possibility of a child. I told her of my fears of going through this again (which she so understands), but she said, if I could promise you a baby that would go full term, would you do it and I immediately answered "yes".

So, I think I owe it to myself to go talk with this RE and see what tests she recommends (mostly like one that will confirm the PCOS). Everything I have read so far about PCOS, I am thinking that this could be it especially the mid-section weight gain symptom/hard to loss the weight and the depression as well. The last 2 months I feel so big around my middle section. I read that going on a low glycemic diet helps alot and I have a feeling that will come up in my visit with RE, so I went out today and purchased a book with 500 low glycemic recipes and already make one dish for dinner. I am going to track my food intake from now on. Also, plan on starting walking in the mornings (our treadmill's motor died, so we had to get rid of it and right now don't have the extra $$ to purchase another). I did some food shopping with a defined focus on fruits, vegetables, legumes, nuts and whole wheat products. I am anxious to get this program in place and hoping it works for me and also E could benefit from this as well.

She gave me a script for a mammogram and we did talk about various other BCPs, but she feels for now it is best for me to go to the RE first free of any meds in my system.

So, this where things stand as at this point...will be making upcoming appts on Monday.

My Upcoming Date with My Doc.

2010-08-12T11:28:00.004-04:00

I have an appt. with Dr. G later this afternoon as another follow-up from May after my miscarriage. I had blood drawn back in early June to check my HSG levels, but then had to cancel my appt in June and my rescheduled one in July as well...so here we are in August. My main objectives for this appt. is to have a talk about why I got AF in May and haven't seen it since? I know immediately she will ask do I think I am pregnant and I will tell her not according to the 2 pregnancy tests I have taken. To schedule the polyhistogram for the polyp she had found back when I had my pap last December (I know it seems so long ago, and I was scheduled for this back in late February and then I got pregnant so everything was put on hold). Tell her I took myself off BCP because the way I was feeling and what are my options - should I even be on a BCP? I will definitely be sharing my fears of getting pregnant again with her and see what her thoughts are. Also, need to schedule a mammogram. So, lots to talk about for sure! I think subconsciously I have been pushing off going back to see her at that office because of the miscarriage and the association with "this where they congratulated me on my pregnancy and there is where they said sorry, you are miscarrying" - so hard. But, I really like this doc. and at this time I really don't have the desire to look for another. I will post with the follow-up.

Oh, To Be Youthful Again...

2010-08-03T11:23:00.002-04:00

As in all mornings during the workweek, I get on the elevator from the parking garage and head up to the 4th floor of the building where I work. Some mornings I am alone in the elevator and others I am not. There are a number of other companies that work in this building as well and there is one particular company that has several floors of this building. This company employs a number of young adults (early 20's) - seems like most are fresh out of college. The last couple of weeks when I have rode up in the elevator with these young adults, particularly the females, I have definitely felt my age. It seems alot of these young females dress in short skirts and/or rather revealing/tight clothing with their "oh so" thin bodies - here where my heart just sinks wishing to be thinner. And when I listen to the conversations among them, especially if it is about a "hot" new tv show or a new music group, I definitely feel my age. It hits me square in my face to realize that I am NOT as young as my mind thinks I am anymore. I have nothing in common with this age group of people - have no clue what they are talking about, but in lots of ways I so envy them at the same time. It seems like yesterday, I was the "young" one in the organization. I remember people commented to me "oh, you are such a baby, you are so young" and thinking to myself boy, these people are old (this coming from 40-50 year olds). I never gave it much thought to what it was going to be like being their age and here I am...UGH. Lately, I am feeling that time isn't on my side anymore - feeling more aches/pains than I did 5-10 years ago, no desire to go out and live it up like before and realizing that my body just isn't responding or bouncing back as quickly as it did before. It is all making me feel like I have no control what so ever anymore.

So, to feel like I have some control and try to get back to my former self again, I stopped taking my BCP this past weekend. Like I said in my previous post (Unmotivated and Cranky), I just didn't like the way it was making me feel. I could have held off and waited to see my doc. next week, but I felt it was going on too long as it was....no AF for 2 months now (no PG either) and just feeling so not myself...very hormonal - crying, angry, sad and not tolerating anything well at all. Plus, the feeling of hunger was overwhelming at times - I am already feeling bad about my weight- who needs this side effect as well. Just writing all this made me feel like I took off 20 pounds off my shoulders...phew.

I just want to find a "happy" place again. I want my husband to have a job with a consistent paycheck, I want to purchase our own home again, I want to feel good in my own skin (maybe alittle "youthful") and I would like to move forward with my life (most likely without a child) and be "ok" with that.

Some Fun Stuff.....

2010-07-21T14:34:00.002-04:00

I made a list of 100 fun things about me that will tell you more (in no particular order). Let me know if you have anything in common!

1. I am the youngest, the “baby” of my the family. I have 1 sister and 2 brothers.

2. Both my parents came from big families of 8 or more children.

3. I loved spelling bees in grammar school – you can call me a “word” nerd.

4. I was teased and tormented in 5/6 grade by another girl about my weight.

5. My mom had me when she was 42 years old.

6. My mom was the oldest mom among my friends growing up.

7. The scent of moth balls will always remind me of my grandparents' closets.

8. I loved playing Mad Libs in school with my friends, the dirter the better.

9. I love items that smell really good – perfume, candles, air freshers, etc.

10. I am a really good baker – I learned to bake before I learned to cook.

11. I watch HGTV a lot – love House Hunters and My First Place.

12. I love to shop, but I must feel like I am getting a good deal to purchase stuff.

13. I love playing board games, like Scrabble, Boggle or Perquacky (word nerd, again, LOL)

14. I met my husband 9 years ago (end of July) on an on-line dating site.

15. My first serious boyfriend “came out of the closet” after we broke up.

16. I had a sexual affair with an engagement man (this was way before I met my husband).

17. I love jewelry – handmade or costume – whatever looks great.

18. Throughout my 4 years in HS, I had a huge crush on one of our football players.

19. I have always been embarrassed by the size of my breasts.

20. I choose not attend college, but instead went to a one year business school.

21. My best “girl” friends and I passed a lot of notes between each other in classes.

22. I had my first alcoholic drink at 19 years old.

23. I love to sing along with music in my car and I would sing into my hairbrush in my bedroom growing up.

24. I started listening and liking country music at age 26 and still do.

25. I had a choice to switch schools and attend catholic school (where my older sister teaches 5th grade) when I was in 5th grade and I decided not to because I didn’t want to wear an uniform.
26. I got A’s in accounting and typing classes in high school.

27. I failed gym (by not attending) for one semster in high school and had to retake it the next semester, boy did I learn my lesson!

28. I skipped a day in high school with my best friend and had her mother call me in “sick” and by that afternoon my mother was contacted by the school and told of this. The worst part was seeing my dad’s face when I got home and hearing him say “how very disappointed he was in me”. To this day, I still carry this with me.

29. My favorite foods for breakfast, lately, is Wheat Thin crackers – Ranch flavor with pepper jack cheese and a piece of fruit…yummy!

30. I love reading other people’s blogs. I am so happy to have this community in my life, especially since my recent miscarriage…knowing there are others out there going through the same thing makes me feel not so alone.

31. My mom passed away on May 7, 2008. She was 82 years old. I miss her so much.

32. I have a new hobby – knitting. I love purchasing soft colorful yarns to make into pretty scarves.
33. I use to do counted cross-stitch. I made tons of things to give to my family and friends. Some are big pictures which I have in our house that I had given to my Mom as gifts in the past – they are so precious to me.

34. I love cats – had my first one for 18 years and spent over $8,000 (over the course of 7 years) on medical costs to keep her hypothyroidism under control.

35. My hubby and I volunteer at a cat shelter every other Sunday morning.

36. There is an age difference of over 18 years between me and my siblings.

37. My dad is going to be 91 years old this November.

38. I moved in with my hubby after 6 months of dating.

39. I was a nanny and did babysitting throughout my teens into my early 30’s.

40. When I was in 5th grade, I become an “Aunt” for the first time.

41. I got contact lens when I was 23 years old.

42. I took “Actune” when I was 23 years old due to serious breakouts on my face and, boy did it work wonders for my self-esteem.

43. I was a homebody (didn’t go out and party) for most of my early 20’s while living with my parents.

44. I moved out and rented my first apartment at 26 years old.

45. I have never been with a company/organization in my career for more than 4 years.

46. My first pregnancy was back in 2004 and it ended at 8 weeks. I had gone off BC and got pregnant within 3 months.

47. My hubby and I left our home state in 2003 to try out a new life in Pennsylvania. We lasted 4 years there. Purchased a wonderful home – 3 bedrooms, 2 baths brick ranch with ¾ acre of land and sold it 2 years later right before the market went “south” to move back to our home state.

48. Everyone had trouble spelling my maiden last name, that I prayed I would marry someone with the last name “Smith” – so not. Now people have trouble spelling my married name – I just can’t win.

49. My current job is the first one I have had with my own office with a door and I do, in fact, take great pleasure in closing my door when I need to concentrate or wanting to check my personal e-mails or read a blog - come on, we all do it, right?

50. My first car was a used Toyota Corolla. I loved that car – drove it everywhere and most of the time I was the “designated” driver. The tape player/radio got so much “air time” in that car, I think I went through a couple of them.

51. I went camping a lot with my brother and his kids (especially during the time he was separated from his wife). I helped my nephew with his first potty training session.

52. I learned to ride a horse with my niece on one of those camping trips.

53. I spent the majority of my youth vacationing in Vermont in the summer time.

54. I absolutely love Cape Cod, MA - the beach, the ocean, the style of homes, the laid back feel and most of all the yummy homemade ice cream.

55. I really like Thai and Indian food, but my husband doesn’t, so I don’t eat it that often. But when I do, it is usually with my girlfriends.

56. I hated washing and drying the dishes when I was younger – one of my chores. Funny, because now, due to our living situation with no dishwasher, I am washing and drying the dishes by hand – go figure.

57. I would love to open a Bed & Breakfast one day.

58. I want to own a RV and travel around the U.S, when we retire.

59. I went to Disney World, Cape Cod, MA and Rhode Island on vacation many times with my Aunt/Uncle and 3 girl cousins when I was younger because I didn’t have another sibling close to my age.

60. I loved to play “store” and “school” when I was younger. I should have become a teacher like my sister.

61. There was a time in my early 30’s when I thought I would never found that someone special and get married.

62. I thought by age 28, I would have been married and had my first child. It took approx. 7 more years before I met my hubby.

63. Growing up, when there were thunderstorms with lightning, my Mom always made me turn off the T.V., lights and etc. and gather in the hallway till the storm passed. She was so afraid of storms.

64. I graduated a month early from Business School and found my first job myself.

65. Hubby and I got married at a Bed & Breakfast in our home state.

66. Deep down in my heart I really wanted to wear a white gown for our wedding, but I didn’t want to go through the heartache of trying to find one that fit properly – the fear of looking like a big fat “white” whale was overwhelming for me. So instead, I wore a skirt and blouse.

67. I have many moments where I don’t feel “comfortable” in my own skin.

68. I worry about not living up to other peoples expectations.

69. I think about, more often now, of what my life might be like when I am old and gray and wonder about the hereafter. I can't imagine my life without my hubby.

70. For the 4 years after my first miscarriage, I didn't give much thought to trying to get pregnant again. I thought I had plenty of time.

71. I can’t stand clutter – things need to be organized. This is why when I watch “Hoaders” on TLC, I just don’t understand how that happens?

72. I love, love, love shopping for shoes – usually high heels for work – approx. 3 inches - no higher.

73. I love to read – mostly fiction. Love the “summer reads” suggestions on Amazon.com.

74. I have never had any type of surgery or stayed overnight in a hospital.

75. Never had a D&C with my 2 miscarriages.

76. For almost a year, I read other people’s blogs before I decided to make my own.

77. I used to watch various Soap Operas (General Hospital, Days of Our Lives and Young and the Restless). I would run home on my lunch (if I worked close enough). Then I got a VCR and I would spend my evenings or weekends watching what I taped. So crazy.

78. I put lotion on my face and hands and chapstick on my lips every night before I go to bed.

79. I have slept with earplugs for the past 8 years…hubby snores!.

80. I wasn’t in with the popular crowd in school and had only a few good friends.

81. I use to spend a lot of money on clothes back in my single days.

82. I have had only 2 brand new cars so far in my life.

83. My sister and I are very close. She is like my second Mom.

84. Almost every night, hubby and I sit on the couch and rub each other’s backs.

85. I have never been out of this country.

86. I have lived in many rental places, but only own one home (so far).

87. My siblings tell me I was spoiled as a child – yeah, I think I was because I was the "baby" and growing up like an only child.

88. Growing up, I would get very upset when I didn’t get my way.

89. I was a daddy’s girl (and still am).

90. My mom was the “strick” one who enforced all the rules in the house.

91. At 19 years old, I went out and got my sister a kitten without my parent’s permission (mind you, I was living under their roof with my sister).

92. I used to love Xmas, but now since my Mom is gone, it just doesn’t feel the same.

93. I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews.

94. One of my nieces has a 3 year old little boy.

95. When my nieces and nephews were little, I was often put “in charge” of watching them.

96. I began babysitting in my neighborhood when I was 14 years old. One of my first jobs was watching an 8 month old and 2 year old for almost 8 hours a day (amazing the trust people had in me) Fortunately, I was just 2 doors up from my own house so my Mom was always around to help me out.

97. I have to say that I really loved most of the families that I babysat for over the years – some I still keep in touch with.

98. I am not an early morning person. I love to sleep in on the weekends.

99. Before I leave for work in the morning, I always tell my 2 kitties, Dora and Puddin, “I love you” and pat them on their heads.

100. Hubby and I always kiss each other before I head off to work.

Feeling Unmotivated and Very Cranky....

2010-07-20T13:29:00.003-04:00

Well, in almost 8 days it will be a month since my last post where I declared that I needed to "get motivated" to lose weight...well, there is no good news to share because I have been feeling very unmotivated for awhile now. No continuous exercising and on the weekends - not really watching my food intake. Everytime I think about getting on the treadmill and watching what foods I am putting into my body, I just start to think...great just one more thing I have to mentally think about. Why, can't I just be the "lucky" one to have that fast metabolism and be "thin".

Other reasons for being "unmotivated":

#1 excuse - my job responsibilites have increased over the past month, so I feel very pressured to "perform well" and putting in more hours and taking work home. I recently got a great review with bonus, which was fanastic, but during that meeting I also asked for "stepping it up" in my career. For the past 10 years, I have been doing the same kind of work and now it is getting kind of boring. I do want more challenges and I know with that brings more responsibilities. Funny how things work out because if I was still pregnant, there would have been no way in hell I would have wanted to move forward in my career. If anything, I would have been looking to work from home or a reduction in hours.

#2 excuse - I thought I was getting my AF earlier this month around the 4th because I was so so PMSing and then nothing and now this past week I am feeling again so so PMSing that I am actually hoping and praying that AF shows up really soon...UGH. I am feeling so bloated, tired and irritable right now, I could spit! The things us women endure - sitting here in a professional navy blue pantsuit in my office but wishing I was sitting at home in my sweats...at least I could comfortably breathe, LOL.

#3 excuse - These BC "mini-pills" I am taking are indeed causing me to feel more hungry than usual. I read that this is a "lovely" side effect of them...oh joy. So, I have been thinking...do I just endure this or do I go through trying another kind of BC or do I just go off them damn things all together...I seriously don't know what to do. I guess a talk with my doc is in order when I go for my appt coming up in a couple of weeks.

#4 excuse - I just plain don't want to...I want to be happier and enjoy life and not worry about my weight and how I look in my clothes all the time. For majority of my life, this is how it has been and now in my early 40's, I am just getting so tried of "trying to fix" myself consistently. I have a wonderful husband who loves me for me, but I just can't get it through my head that I need to love me for me as well. I just can't get over the feeling I have failed - in motherhood and being that "all together" person in my personal life.

Lastly, I didn't get my AF at all the month of June...where it went, I have no clue, but I am not worried about being pregnant, because I did test recently and it is NEGATIVE. This seems to be a developing pattern with me because I was like this before I got pregnant the last time. So, maybe I am super-duper PMSing this month because of it. Either way, I am mentally exhausted trying to figure out my cycles!

So, that is what is going on with me lately. Feeling really good about my career path, but the rest of this just plain sucks right now.

P.S. E is still out of work, but attending night school for computer networking. Hoping something will break soon for him. I look at his face every morning while getting ready to go off to work and it breaks my heart that once again this has happened to him. All he wants is a break into an IT job that he can learn and grow and sustain us for our future. He has so much to give.

Got to Get Motivated....

2010-06-28T17:10:00.000-04:00

I really need to get motivated to lose weight again. Since the miscarriage in late March, I had initially lost between 5-7 pounds, but now we are 3 months from that time, I have put back on that weight...UGH. I feel tired and just plain not interested in trying to exercise, let alone trying to watch what I eat. I do pretty good here at work because I have only certain foods like crackers and trail mix in my desk drawer, but at home it is a whole different story. I know I am the one responsible for bringing in the food, I am the food shopper. I do try to get fruits/veggies and go for the low-fat version of things for us, but I get swade at times by the "treats" like chips and baked goods.

E made some great ribs last night and I had purchased corn on the cob and cole slaw from the market. I had about 4-5-ribs and 2 scoops of cole slaw and 3 ears of corn - it was so sweet and good. Luckily, I got busy after we eat with catching up with people that I didn't have anything else after that and I went to bed at 11:45 p.m. to boot - that is late for me for a Sunday night with work the next morning, but I had taken a nap for about 1 1/2 hours and woke up that morning at 7:30 a.m. so we could get to the cat shelter to volunteer by 9 a.m. I just need to stop making excuses and get back to my original plan when I started this blog...get healthy and lose the weight.

Today, I put on a pair of black slacks for work that I know fit me much better a month ago...UGH. They feel just horrible in the waist - so uncomfortable...I can't wait to take them off when I get home. I also have to say that I am expecting my period anyday now as well, so it might be "bloat" - water retention that is adding to my misery today. I also had read on the internet regarding the kind of BC I am taking, that one of the side effects is increased appetite...oh come on...this is just not helping. In ways, I just wish I didn't have be back on BC. I was so use to not taking anything for so long - 3 years, but the other part of me doesn't want to take the chance right now - still too raw. I have an appt. to see my OB/GYN doc. in 2 weeks for a follow-up - had bloodwork done again and she needs to see that HCG levels are zero - praying! Also, have to address the issue of the polyp - HSG to be done....not looking forward to that at all. I have heard from some women that it is painful and other say "not that bad"...not sure what to think.

Anyway, I just have to get motivated and I "want" to do this for myself. I want to feel better about my appearance and how I feel in my own skin. I want to "shake" off this layer of emotional baggage that this last miscarriage has on my these last few months and get back to a happier me. I want that person back so badly. I want to think that there are positive things to look forward to in our future. I am sick of feeling so beaten down. So, I am going to start by making a commitment to myself that in the next week I will watch what I eat, not bring the "treats" into the house and start back on an exercise routine (maybe I can even get E to make this commitment with me...we will see). I will be documenting my progress like before - it is the only way to keep true to myself.

Been Awhile..I'm still here

2010-06-11T17:01:00.001-04:00

I know it has been a couple of weeks since I last posted - been very busy. We were on vacation last week visiting E's parents in Arizona. It was so nice to be away from the normal routine of home, work, home, etc. and to just not really care what time of day it was. We did alot in that week's time with his parents as well with my nieces in Vegas, but in the end it is nice to come home again. Two things I missed most during that time were our 2 kitties and our own bed. It isn't that I don't sleep well while we are away, but as I am getting older (never thought this way in my 20's/30's) I do miss the familiar comfort of my own stuff. As far as the kitties go, we have always been this way with our pets...missing them so. We know they are in very good hands, but we are such hands-on pet owners that it is our own selfish need that we have to full. I can't begin to tell you how many times during the trip E and I looked at one another and said "we miss the kitties".

Getting back into my work routine was alittle tough this week. The 2 hour time difference definitely throw off my schedule...going to bed later and then trying to get my ASS out of bed when the alarm goes off for work...UGH. Arizona would not be a choice of places I wish to live...much too HOT during the months of late May - September. When we left last Sunday, the temps were going into the 115! I am sorry that is just too damn HOT (and don't get me started on the "but it is DRY heat")...115 is 115...hot hot sun! Everyone just stays indoors from 10 a.m. - 5-6 p.m. - not my kind of living where I am forced by the weather to stay inside all the time. My in-laws literally don't go outside much during those hours, they make most of their appts. for very early in the morning. Next trip out there, we will be definitely considering the months of either November or March/April...nice temps then in the 70's to low 80's and lots of things to do outside (fairs, flea markets, etc.)

E's birthday is tomorrow...45! It is hard to believe that he is only 5 years away from 50. Where has the time gone and why do I feel like it is just going too fast lately and I want to turn back time? I guess with everything that has happened in last couple of months, I have come to the conclusion that that my time has run out on motherhood. I haven't change my mind on moving forward, but I just wish so hard I could take more time to clearly think things through and then move forward - which sadly I don't. If only things could have been different...it would have truly been a miracle baby!

Another Year...Tomorrow's My B-Day

2010-05-21T16:00:00.004-04:00

Well, what can I say, tomorrow I will 43 years old (around 11 p.m, don't know the exact time from my birth certificate). I have to say that the last 2 years, I haven't been thrilled about my birthday arriving. I guess it happened around the time my Mom passed away on May 7, 2008, the same month as my birthday. I just couldn't celebrate my birthday in the same way as I had in the past. I was still in a state of numbness and grief from the whole ordeal of her passing (1 1/2 months in the hospital - hoping and praying she would get better, maybe even come home...then watching her decline more and more - never getting up out of that hospital bed, continuously on the ventilator - some days levels were good and other bad, then surgery for a tach and a feeding tube giving her some nourishment). Then her request to "die". It was all so so much to endure at that time, I think I was on auto pilot and not really thinking about what this all would mean for my future. She would be gone from my life forever and since that time, my birthday just isn't the same. My Mom had such a special way of making my birthdays seem so very very special especially when I was young. There weren't many years when I didn't have a birthday party and there definitely wasn't years without presents. As I grew older, she still would make it special...the birthday card would always be there, a birthday cake, a phone call to say "happy birthday" and even times she would send some kind of gift. In the end, it isn't about the cards and presents, but just knowing my Mom never forgot my birthday. What I wouldn't give to see her say "Happy Birthday, Jen" and wrap her arms around me and kiss my cheek...boy, I miss that so so much.

This year is even more emotional for me...thinking back 2 months ago I thought I was going to be a Mom myself and I thought wow, this 43rd birthday will be something really special to celebrate. Now, I just look at that number and just want to cry and say "I can't believe I am 43, where did the time go and why can't I turn back the clock to have more time". I know I can't change what has happened and only God knows the outcome might have been the same no matter how old I was. I might have been looking at the same end result. I know in my heart, that given a few more of those younger years, I probably would tempt fate and try again, but my mind/body currently just can't go there now. I don't know what the future holds (E plays the lotto, we could hit big - it would make things easier financially, we could explore more options to the advanced maternal woman, no added stress of working a full-time job, bigger house - you get the picture). It is a 1 in a million shot, I know but a girl can dream, right? I looked at this last pregnancy as a 1 in million shot...I truly didn't believe it could happen and at times, I think back to those early days in March when we first found out...it feels like I can't believe I went through that AGAIN. I guess I feel this way because it changes you...I know it has changed me. Most people would say "nope, she is the same", but it has changed me inside. You can't go through something like this and not be changed. It hardens you, it makes you question things more and it has an emotional impact on your soul.

So, for this year, it is doubly hard to look forward to my birthday tomorrow. My mom is gone and for now my hopes and dreams of motherhood are gone as well.

What's Up...

2010-05-13T13:20:00.001-04:00

I know I haven't written in awhile, I guess I just don't know what to write about lately. This blog begin as a way for me to write about my feelings (about my life in general) and to connect with other women who are TTC and then it quickly turned into a pregnancy blog which ended after only 7 weeks and now it is hard to figure out how to go backwards.

It isn't like there isn't stuff going on in our lives right now, but I guess I am sad about how things have turned out lately. We do have stressful stuff we are currently dealing with like no full-time job for E seen his layoff in April - sad and frustrating - I hate this economy. Grief from the miscarriage - I think, more so me since I was the one going through it - not to say E wasn't hurt and sad as well, but men have a different way of dealing with stuff like this and don't bear the emotional and physical scars as us women do.

As far as good/happy things, we do have some bit of news. We adopted a 9 1/2 month kitten named Puddin (see pic on homepage) about 3 weeks ago. She is adorable (if I do say so myself). She is a tuxedo cat and very smart too. She is super curious, as most kittens are, and very playful, but also so lovin' as well. Our current cat, Dora, has gotten better as the weeks have gone by with accepting Puddin into our household. There was hissing (and still is at times, but less than the beginning) and paw swatting (still happens, but lucky neither had claws!) To us having another pet addition is something we both have talked about from time to time over the years, but it just never came to FACT and with all the stress we have been dealing wtih lately, we figured now would be a good time for various reasons:

1. E is not working full-time, 5 days a week so he can be around the house for the "introduction" period of this new cat to our current cat.
2. I truly believe that pets lower your stress level and blood pressure tremendeously....who can't resist their sweet faces when you come through the door after a long hard day at work.
3. To find a cat this young who has been declawed (same as Dora) is a hard find, we knew we need to act quickly to secure her.
4. With no baby in our future, we (or maybe more I) needed something to nuture and watch grow...plain and simple.
5. A playmate for Dora (our current cat) - even though this is slowly happening over time now.

We are also so so looking forward to our trip out to Arizona to see E's parents. Not only will we get to see them, but also taking a trip to Laughlin, NV for a couple of days with them and then E and I will drive 1 1/2 hours to Las Vegas to met up with my two nieces (who currently live in Montana). I am so so excited because I haven't seen them since December 2009. My one niece is graduating high school and will be heading off to college in the fall in Montana. I have a good feeling about this trip and one I know we both need and deserve after all we have been through these last couple of months.

I feeling mentally and emotionally weighted down lately which in turn has made me physically not well. I think I am currently fighting a sinus/cold. I feel tired alot and I really think that has to do with the weather and the changes in hormones that happens after miscarriage plus I am now back on the BP as well. My job is very demanding which doesn't help at all too. Some days, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs...why why why, but most of the time I just end up keeping it inside. I am counting down the days till vacation...sunshine, relaxation, family and good times...I know they are just around the corner.

Follow-Up Visit at Dr. Office Today....

2010-04-29T15:49:00.001-04:00

Just got back from seeing my wonderful doc about the results of the lab and getting on a birth control pill. As always, she enters the room with arms opened wide and gives me a big hug and immediately asks how I am doing. I tell her physically I am fine, mentally and emotionally...trying to deal. She was told by her lovely assistant (I truly mean the "lovely" in such a good way) that E got laid off 2 weeks ago. So, I didn't have to go and explain how emotionally draining this past month has been. She reconfirmed the results from the lab as unconclusive - couldn't test due to not enough tissue. She wants my HCG levels to go down to 0, so I will be going for more bloodwork (again...UGH). She also wants me to come back in 6 weeks and if the HCG levels still haven't gone down to 0, bloodwork again..UGH. I never had this much bloodwork done with the first miscarriage...hummm? Once the HCG levels are down, then she wants to see about the polyp (make sure they aren't more) and also send me for a mammogram. She totally got where I am at this stage and handed me a prescription for Micronor and said I could start immediately. I told her how much I appreciate her kindness and what a pleasure it is to be coming to a OB/GYN office environment such as this. I have only had one other practice even close to this one. It is a very rare find these days.

I was so truly happy to open the door to the waiting room and see not a single pregnant woman in there and the same when I left. It was like God heard my wish today to not make this anymore difficult than what I have already experienced. It isn't that I get all upset when I see pregnant women anywhere else...there is something about it happening there, that conjures up such emotion. I guess because that office is where I was told "Congrats you are pregnant" and the same place I was told "Sorry, but you are miscarrying" To have to sit in the same room with other woman sitting there with a nice pregnant belly and a glow...is like a blow to your stomach. I wish them no ill will, but at the same time, I just want to say "do you know how lucky you truly are"?

An End to the Baby Chapter...

2010-04-20T17:06:00.000-04:00

I received a call from my doc. office about the results from the lab regarding the "sac". They couldn't get any chomo results from the tissue. So, basically there is no way of telling why this happened (I hate the fact that there is no good reason...UGH). Also, yesterday, they called with my bloodwork results and they came back fine with the HCG level back to normal and I am not amenic (iron). So, I proceeded to ask about going on birth control (which by the way I haven't been on in about 4 years and back then I was taking Miconor - a progrestrone only pill - I believe I was put on this at that time due to my blood pressure being slightly evaluated and I not liking the way I felt when I took a pill with estrogen in it), the nurse said she would have to talk with one of the doctors (mine is on vacation this week) first. When she called today, she said the doc. on this week would feel better if I speak with my own doc. before prescribing any type of birth control. So, I had to make an appt. for next Thursday afternoon with my doc.

My reasons for going back on the pill is first: I don't want to make a "conscious decision" to get pregnant again. (Remember this pregnancy totally happened out of the blue, after 4 years of trying).

Second: things in our life aren't great with E not having a full-time job. I couldn't deal with the not knowing how we would manage. I don't really know how long it will take for E to get a job and in the meantime, we will be using our savings to help with expenses. Third: I am so so totally scared about the "what ifs". If I were younger, I think I would be more inclined to give it another shot, but I will be 43 years old next month and I just don't think I could physically and emotionally handle going through the unknowns....I am nervous for my health (I have a gut feeling that if a miscarriage happened again...it would be far worse than what I have already experienced). I am just too emotionally and mentally drain right now from this experience. A need a break from all of it. Plus with us being down an income (financial situation). It is so much easier to "deny" E or I something we need or want then it is to deny a child...that would break my heart.

So, I will go see my wonderful doc. on Thursday and explain all the above to her and walk out of that office with a prescription for some type of birth control and that will be that. God has a plan for E and I's future...I do know this in my heart...not sure what that is right now and what it might include, but I have to believe that he knows best.

Alitte Update on Where Things Stand (After Miscarriage)

2010-04-14T14:32:00.000-04:00

I called them today to find out if/when I would hear the results from the lab and also to ask some questions about my bloodwork that was taken prior to my pregnancy to see if they did in fact check my thyroid (which I am happy to say they did and it is normal) and also to check for anemia (which the nurse informed me that it is unlikely that this would have been the cause of the miscarriage), but I want it to be check anyway (I have always had problems with my feet and hands being COLD...UGH. So, it will be checked on Saturday when I go to the lab for bloodwork to also check my HCG levels (doc. wants to know if they have come down). Also, the nurse informed me that I should be continuing to take the prenatal vitamins if my intention is to go forward, so she called in a prescription for them. Now, back to the results from lab on the sac, the nurse hasn't received them yet, but probably early next week and once the doc. has reviewed them, they will give me a call....so more waiting.

How am I feeling about all this, well, some days I want to move forward and try again and then other days I am scare of this whole thing happening again. Even if the results came back with finding nothing...there is no guarantees that it can't happen again. I am not sure what I am looking for right now...I am almost leaning towards and hoping that they do find something versus nothing. At least with something, and if it is something that can be fixed, I guess I would feel more hopeful and not as scare or have a concrete reason to work with. Right now, I am a bag of mixed emotions.

I am hoping for more clarity once the results come back.

Side note: E got approved for unemployment benefits...he starts filing on Sunday.

Well, the Second Shoe Dropped...More Bad News

2010-04-13T13:21:00.000-04:00

E got laid-off from work yesterday, due to lack of work. I came home yesterday around 5:30 p.m. and he was sitting at our tabletop video game in the corner of the living room...not saying much at all, but concentrating on the game. After about 10 minutes of not talking, he says to me...got some bad news, they laid me off...paperwork for unemployment is on the kitchen table. I wasn't initially shocked, but just feeling like here we go again. This isn't the first time E has gotten laid off, so we have been in this situation before. It was just 6 months ago he got this job after spending 6 months searching for a HVAC job but no HVAC available to him (this industry was hit hard by the economy). We had just moved to this area and 3 weeks later he applied and got this job and we were feeling hopeful.

I know he wasn't happy with this kind of work and the environment there, but I was hoping it would have lasted alittle longer until he could find something else. He is attending school for computer one evening a week and he has some more course(s) to take before he can go for A+ certification, so we are hoping that this career change would be good and yield a potential job in this field down the road.

So, as the saying goes "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you will get"...I am so believing our life (lately) is this saying.

In my younger career days, I always had a plan for the future and about 95% of the time it worked out...now though, I just have to live each day and not think too far ahead. There are so many dreams I have for our future, but each time I feel like that dream might come true, we hit another "wall". Let us just hope that this "wall" is temporary.

Thanks for the Support....

2010-04-06T12:22:00.001-04:00

I want to thank everyone who left me such sweet notes on my last posting. It is just so nice to know I am not the only one dealing with this. I went onto the LFCA website (thanks, Wendy) and it is comforting to know I have a place to go, read and talk with others.

As far as how I am doing...well, physically I am back to my old self (body-wise)...all pregnany symptoms are a distant memory now. The meds I took over the weekend didn't really cause alot of cramping, so that by Saturday I was fine. Emotionally is a whole other thing...grieving...you have your good days and your bad days. Yesterday was a good day, I came back into work to a bunch of things that had to get done, which I didn't mind at all cause it keeps my mind busy and the day just flew by. E and I went for a walk around the neighborhood when I got home which I absolutely love because I have been waiting for this spring-like weather for awhile now and it makes me feel alive again.

Today is an ok day, not as good as yesterday. Every once in awhile, it will "hit" me out of the blue like...if I was still pregnant right now, I would be 8 weeks as of yesteday and probably going in to have another ultrasound and seeing a "heartbeat" and being just completely in awe and thrilled, but a last I am NOT and that hurts. Moments like these ones, I just take a deep breath and try to find something positive to focus on....not always easy to do.

If I don't get a call from my doc. office by the end of this week regarding the lab results, I am going to give them a call and see how long this process takes. I am alittle eager to find out what they find. Also, am alittle scared to start trying again until I know what were dealing with here. Was it just a fluke or is there something happening when my egg and E's sperm meet or is there something in my make-up or his that makes this happen. I took out a book from our local library about miscarriages and it gives examples of varies couple who have gone through multiple miscarriages and what the reasons are. It has been very informative to me, so at least when our results come back, I will have some background on all types of reasons.

I am continuing to follow the blogs of all the women who are pregnant and I am continuing to pray for all on this wonderful journey as I love reading about your progress. I also read the blogs of those who are in the same boat as I and I hope and pray for each one of you as well. I love this community of bloggers and I have no regrets whatsoever of opening myself up to all of you (the good and the bad) and I appreciate your openness as well.

Trying to Cope...

2010-04-01T10:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had my follow-up appt. with the doc. It went ok. They did another ultrasound to make sure I passed everything...there is alittle tissue left so she gave me a prescription for some meds to take (which the pharmacy was out of, so won't get them till 5 p.m. today...UGH). She will be sending out the sac for further analysis and hopefully that will give some insight to the a reason why and we can move forward. She wants to me to call the office in about 6 weeks to see if the labs are back and to set-up an appt. with a Reproduction Specialist that she refers her patients to as well.

I was very emotional yesterday and I cried when she finally was able to talk with me after the ultrasound. My plan was to come into work after the appt...what the hell was I thinking...NOT. She advised me to just go home and rest. I guess I just didn't realize how important it is for me to take this time for myself. I have always been the type of person to just "get over it and get on with it" attitude, so it is hard for me to say "stop the world...I want to get off", ya know. I was so good Monday and Tuesday, here at work, keeping everything inside and getting through my work day...that by Wednesday...the flood gates just couldn't hold it back any longer.

I am in work today, though, but planning on taking off tomorrow and hoping that this med doesn't take too long to work and I don't spend my entire weekend in lots of pain. Easter is Sunday and I am hoping to be able to spend that day with my family...we will see.

Miscarrying....

2010-03-27T10:02:00.001-04:00

Well, the title says it all. I am miscarrying for the second time! I went for my u/s yesterday and was bleeding again. They measured the sac and it hadn't grown as much as it should have and they couldn't see an embryo either. I knew in my mind on Friday morning that things weren't right. All the memories from my first miscarriage were floodimg back. I cried my eyes out once the u/s was over and I was waiting to see my Doc. I absolutely love my doc. and I knew she would be so compassionate to the point as if she herself was gonig through this and I was absolutely correct. I couldn't have asked to be in a more compassionate environment while going through such an experience like this for the SECOND time. She explained alot of things to me and we are both in agreement that we need to find out why this is happening to more forward. If I don't miscarry naturally by Wednesday, I will go back to her and she will give me meds to help it along. I'm thinking based on my last miscarriage and knowing my body, I am hoping it won't take that long. I am so thankful, in a strange way, that this is happening over a weekend and not during a work week. I know I shouldn't be even thinking about work, but that is my type A personality.

Where we go from here, I am not sure at this point. My doc. is determined for us to have a child. I am going to be 43 years old in May, so I feel we don't have alot of time to play with. I am leaving it in God's hands right now and see where things go from here.

I know my emotions will range greatly over the next week or so as my body and mind comes to terms with all that has happened.

I will continue to wish all of you who are pregnant right now, a safe and continually growing pregnancy. Also, I will continue to follow your progress as I wish you all happiness on the journey to motherhood.

Very Very Nervous....

2010-03-25T15:16:00.000-04:00

When I got home from work last night, I started to spot again and this time it was on the pinker side than just brown. I immediately went into a panic and told E which he in turn, said ok, just calm down...sit here on the couch and I will make you a cup of tea. Well, as the night wore on and I laid in our bed, the spotting stopped...hurrah. Well, this morning I awoke and feeling good and no spotting, but once I got into work this morning it started up again and this time on the pinker side again, so around noon I called the doc. office and told them what I had been experiencing (no cramping either) and she talked with the doc. and they pushed my appt. up to the morning tomorrow. I told her I don't know when to worry and when to not, she said, it is fine and that I should go home tonight and pick my feet up and relax.

I am still here at work, working away, but it is so hard to concentrate. I do it for awhile and then my thoughts go right back to the situation. I have been to the bathroom about a million times so far (ok, maybe not that many) and each time I wipe it is still there, sometimes less or about the same. I keep reading that if it is RED and heavy then you should worry. Mine isn't even going on my underwear! I talked with a good friend of my and back in the day when she had one of her kids, she said she spotted for awhile in the beginning and that it turned out fine in the end...she had her son. She was also put on Progestrone as well. It was comforting to hear this in some ways.

Haven't had a good apetite today, I think mainly due to my nervousness about the situation. I had whole wheat crackers (about 8-10) with a small wedge of reduced fat pepper jack cheese and a pear for breakfast then a small bowl of Chicken Fried Rice for Lunch with a side of nuts and cranberries. No O.J. this morning, I forgot!

I was suppose to go to dinner with a co-worker of mine tonight for Indian food, but I canceled due to the doctor's orders and I probably won't be good company with this whole situation on my mind.

I am just so anxious to know what is going on in there...is the sac in tact, is there an embryo, is there a heartbeat, is this spotting just part of implantation bleeding or am I going to miscarry??? Oh, so many many questions I have. Praying so hard right now!

Count down till Friday....

2010-03-24T13:59:00.000-04:00

Had another one of those headaches last night. It is weird because it usually starts close to 5 p.m.,when I am leaving work and I have it for most of the evening till I go to bed. I read on the internet that it might have to do with not eating enough or hormones. I probably am not eating like I would usually eat because I just don't have the appetite and I seem to get full faster these days. So, I am thinking it might be both. I went down to the cafe to grab lunch today and got 2 small fish (tilapia) tacos and I actually ate both where normally I would eat one and save the other one for tomorrow. I also had a glass of O.J. and some crackers this morning while getting ready for work. So, I am hoping that by doing this, the headache won't come back later on today. I am experiencing more twinges on my right back area today and it seems to be only be on that side....hummmm.

So, back to the reason for the title of this post...Friday is my 2nd u/s and I am both excited and nervous all at the same time. I just am hoping beyond hope that everything looks fine. I have had no more lite brown spotting, which I am thrilled. I am hoping that I will be able to see more than a sac and that there will be an embryo...that is what I am fearing the most right now, it not being there...don't ask me why, maybe I am reading too much stuff about the "what if's" and worrying.

Keeping my fingers crossed and doing alot of praying that it all goes well. I would really love to start thinking positively about the future of this baby, but it is so hard when there is such the unknown. Some days I wish I could go back to when I was pregnant the first time and how I just thought we will just have a baby, very carefree thinking/no worries and didn't think at all about miscarrying...boy, those were the days. I remember going out at week 4 and purchasing a babybook and started writing in it, also purchased a cross-stitch baby sampler and started working on it. My mom sent us a burp cloth with a matching bib and a small Anna Green Gables book on Moms and Babies (all of this stuff I still have, by the way). I remember even going to the Babies R Us store with E and looking at clothes and crib bedding and picking out what I was wanting already...this was all before 7 weeks. Now, it is so different, I haven't even been in a Babies R Us since then nor do I plan on going to one for awhile longer. When I do go into a store, I don't even go anywhere near the baby section. I think I looked once on the internet at crib bedding and then immediately shutdown the site after 10 minutes of looking. I am so afraid of hoping/wanting/dreaming/wishing and purchasing anything, for fear that it will all be for not. It makes me so sad in a way, but I don't know how else to deal with this, but go back to my motto "day by day".

Oh, What a New Day Can Do....

2010-03-23T13:26:00.000-04:00

I am feeling so so much better than I was the last 2 days. The lite brown spotting has stopped and my stomach is not bloated/gas and I am feeling more hungry today than the last couple of days. I had a dull headache on the side of my head when I left work last night and until I went to bed at 8:30 p.m. Luckily, I didn't woke up with it and so far so good today. So, I am a very happy camper today because I really hate not feeling good, especially when I am not sure exactly why either and I so wanted to make it better.

The weather here is pretty awful today...rainy, cloudy and cooler temps (high 40's/low 50's)...UGH. It made getting up this morning alittle rougher too. I could have easily turn over and went back to sleep (as if I need more sleep, LOL). I am sometimes amazed at how tired I am in the evenings, but after reading a book about pregnancy and the different stages and what is going on with the baby (I don't remember the name of the book right now and I got this book back in 2004), I realized that there is alot going on in there and that my sleep is a big part of all this.

I am awaiting a work meeting with a fundholder, she is running late, so I figured I will kill some time here on the blog versus getting involved in something else work-related.

Feeling Confused....

2010-03-21T21:06:00.002-04:00

UPDATE - 3/22 p.m. - spotting returned this afternoon, so I call the doc. office and they said it sounds like "implantation bleeding" or from my internal exam and that as long it stays "brown" and not turn "RED" that means to call us immediately So, don't worry and they will see me on Friday. Feeling a bit calmer now.

UPDATE - 3/22 a.m. - awoke feeling much much better, lite brown spotting has stopped. I am at work and have attended an hour long meeting already for the day, so we will see how the rest of the day goes. Might still call the doc. office and see if I can push up my u/s for earlier this week.
------------------------------------------

This weekend's weather was absolutely spring-like here...yesterday 70 degree weather, opened up the windows in the house and did some cleaning out and reorganizing of my dresser. It felt good to organize stuff and put together a bag of stuff I want to donate to Goodwill. After doing that most of the afternoon, I became tired and decided to take a load off my feet and sit on the couch and knit for awhile. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I was (again, like earlier in the week) greeted by some very lite brown spotting on the TP after I went. I would say by the time I was ready to go to bed, it had stopped completely.

Now today, I woke up to it again and it continued to stick around most of the day. Again, nothing on my underclothing...only when I wiped. We made a trip down to see my Dad and ran an errand to Lowe's beforehand and got home later in the afternoon and I just wasn't feeling that great. I didn't really have a lunch either, so I made a plate of cheese, crackers and an apple and went into the bedroom with the TV on and ate. Felt somewhat better after eating, but decided I could use a nap - 2 hours later woke and the brown spotting was gone! My stomach has been feeling weird most of the day, on and off - not cramping like, but more like bloated and twinges here and there. I am continuous "burping" after eating things. So after my nap, I made a peanut butter and fluff sandwich for dinner around 7 p.m. Ate most of it and now having a half cup of hot tea because I feel kinda chilly - another weird feeling - like the flu. All these symptoms are so weird to me. I have read and re-read things in the "What to Expect, when you are Expecting" about symptoms of miscarriage and the main warning they give is cramping and "red" spotting, which I have neither, but it is so hard not to let my mind go through. I think I have definitely worked myself into a state of panic today. I know E sees it and he told me not to get myself stressed out, but that is easier said than done.

I want so badly for Friday to come so I can see the u/s and hear everything is fine and that all these things I am feeling are normal pregnancy stuff. Tomorrow, I will be 6 weeks and I am praying and praying that things are going according to plan.

I know I need to try to just not over analyze all these things I am feeling, but once you have been through a miscarriage, it is so so hard to not think something might be wrong.

Depending how things progress from here, if I get more brown spotting (like tomorrow morning or during the night), I am leaning towards calling my doc. in the morning and seeing if they can see me to hopefully ease my mind...we will see.

Alittle Premature, but what the hell...

2010-03-18T15:32:00.000-04:00

I did alittle searching around the internet to see what is "new" in "maternity" clothing and I came across these "maternity belly bands" and I am thrilled that someone came out with this product. I personally don't have a extra money to be spending on maternity clothes as I get further along. I work in a corporate environment where I need to dress appropriately (dress slacks), so now I don't have to go out and purchase a bunch of new dress slacks. These bands are the BOMB...they conceal your unzipped regular pants as your belly grows and they are pretty inexpensive $16.99 (I think) see photo below. They came in various sizes and alot of different colors too. Here is one website that sells them: http://babybeminematernity.3dcartstores.com/Maternity-Belly-Bands_c_7.html

Hoping That This is Nothing to Worry About....

2010-03-17T08:51:00.001-04:00

UPDATE: Well, so far this afternoon, no more signs of the very lite brown spotting!!!

I woke up this morning and saw very lite brown spotting on the toliet paper. I have gone 3 times seen then and just recently saw nothing on the toliet paper. Oh, please, oh please....you know where my mind went immediately...do I dare said the word "miscarriage". I will be, of course, monitoring this throughout my work day, but other than that, I don't have any other symptoms like cramping, thank God. I have read that this is normal for some women and that the pregnancy just continues on, but with my past experience I am so so nervous. Keeping my fingers crossed! Come on, baby, just keep cooking away in there.

Update...

2010-03-15T16:55:00.000-04:00

Went this afternoon and had the internal ultrasound done. It was mostly a pressure feeling (like you have to pee and boy did I afterwards). I am 5 weeks along and everything is looking good and in the uterus where it belongs (thank GOD!). I will go back next Friday, 26th to have another one and hopefully they will be able to see even more. Just keep doing what I am doing and taking it day by day (my new motto!). Got more samples of the pre-natal vitamins as well and they will give me a prescription when I go back next Friday from then on.

Otherwise, weekend was good. Horrible wild rainy weather (like a Nor-easter, but with rain and wind)...lots of trees down and lots of people without power, but likely we were fine. Went to visit my Dad and Sis on Sat....got my haircut and then some food shopping at Target with Sis. The drive home from there on Sat. evening wasn't fun at all...got on the Merritt and was rerouted to get off at Exit 44 due to closure of road with so many trees down. Had to backroad it all the way up to home...took over an hour and I was so so thankful when I reached home to find everything was ok...no down trees and we had power. My Dad lost power twice on Saturday.

Sunday was better - still rainy and very damp and cold, but had lunch with my best friend at a Thai/Chinese place close to home. Shared the good news with her and she was crying with tears of joy for us. It is nice to have her and my sister knowing right now and being so supportive and I can share progress with both of them as well (of course, along with E).

Still going to sleep anywhere between 8-9 p.m. most nights - so still tired, but otherwise feeling good. Not a huge appetite, but not nauseous alot either. Drinking lots of water (still easier to accomplish here at work then at home).

Update on the "Wee-One"...

2010-03-11T16:03:00.001-05:00

I went yesterday and did another round of bloodwork and got a call today from the office saying that my HCG had gone up, but didn't double. Not all women's HCG levels double and 85% have normal pregnancy going forward, but they want to do an ultrasound on Monday afternoon just to make sure that the baby is growing in the uterus and not someplace else (Ectopic Pregnancy). I am alittle nervous about this new development - because it is hard not to think that something could be going wrong, but I am going to do my best to keep "positive" over the next few days. I will put all my trust and faith in God and let him decide what is best.

Otherwise, I am feeling pretty good. I haven't had a headache in over 2 days now. I pee alot, especially at night time...it seems I go 2-3 times at night...UGH. I went to bed last night around 8:30-9 p.m (which is early for me from the past). I am sleeping with 3 pillows in order to keep abay acid refleux at night. Right now, I feel kind of bloated/gas, but not constipated. Hoping this will pass and maybe it is brought on by nerves even though I am trying to do my best to keep it all in prespective.

The internet is a funny thing...I go out there alot looking for information, answers, comments, etc. It is my quickest solution when I am pondering over something. On the other hand, I long for the days when we didn't have access to this information and you were forced to just deal and wait it out. Oh, the wonderful pros and cons of the world wide web. I also know that I shouldn't believe (100%) anything I read on the internet, but it is hard. We live in a world where we want answers" NOW" and where we have the ability to get them...so, we will do anything for this even stop what we are doing (no matter what it is) and search for those answers. I am so so guilty of this now and in my past. I think we all would love to look into the "crystal ball" and see what is up ahead of us - oh, the curiosity.

Doc. Appt.

2010-03-09T13:11:00.002-05:00

*Update - just got a call from doctors office this afternoon - they are sending me to get bloodwork done again tomorrow afternoon to check my HCG levels to make sure they are going UP and also calling in a prescription to increase my progesterone - which is alittle low.*

Called yesterday and got an appt this morning. They had me go for bloodwork yesterday afternoon, so with all these appts, I felt the need to tell my boss what is happening. I am not the type to hid things especially in a professional environment and with my history and not knowing what is ahead of me with this pregnancy, I would rather her know then it be a surprised. She has been so good to me over the past 2 years (I knew we were meant to work together back at my first interview) and she is so supportive as well. When I asked her to come see me, she welled up in tears of joy the minute I told her. She told me "do what you gotta do" and she will pray for me and the baby...how sweet is that. I feel truly blessed to have people like this in my life.

So, this morning appt. went well. My bloodwork hadn't been read yet at the lab., so no results from that. I peed in the cup and then got weight and blood pressure checked and waited to see the Doc. She came in and had the biggest smile on her face and said "CONGRATULATIONS" and gave me the biggest hug. She said, she was alittle in shock when she read my name on her books for this appt, but she couldn't be happier for us and she says, this couldn't have happen to a nicer person. She is a really sweet doc and I do like her alot (even if you have to wait awhile in her office...it is a good size practice). She did an internal exam and then gave me some samples of 2 different prenatal vitamins to try. She might want me to go back and get some more bloodwork in a day or two...the office will call me, if need be. She booked me for an ultrasound in 4 weeks, but that might be pushed up as well depending on bloodwork. So, all in all, don't have a due date (she said too early to tell) and to just keep doing what I am doing...no worries, no stress, plenty of rest and good eating....sounds great to me!

So, all in all things look good for now...taking it day by day and leaving it in God's hands is all I can do.

Figured Out Why Not Feeling Myself...Woo Hoo!

2010-03-08T06:35:00.001-05:00

Well, I decided yesterday after spending the entire weekend not feelnig myself...nauseous, tired, moody and so so so emotional...OMG, I was so emotional on Saturday with E, crying about this situtation before I took a pregnancy test and.....

and just to make sure I took a #2 one this morning and....

OMG...haven't seen this in 6 years!!!!

So, I will be calling my OB/GYN today to "re-confirm".

How are we feeling about this news...well, we were both SURPRISED and I was "shocked" that it really was positive. I had seen so many negatives in these years, you start to believe it will never happen. We are elated and above all praying that I can see this pregnancy thru till the end.

Not Feeling Myself...

2010-03-05T13:18:00.002-05:00

This week I just haven't been myself and due to this the exercise has taken a "back" seat...UGH. I only worked out on Tuesday morning this week and I am feeling so so guilty. The liquid intake is still going strong and the healthier eating is ok (I went downstairs to our cafe here at work twice this week to get their special - southwestern chicken on a wrap with bacon and chicken walnut salad on whole wheat bread). My appetite is funny these days, I have been feeling nauseous/tired/moody on and off all week. The nauseousness is no particular time of day either and it comes and goes pretty quickly as well. I am due for my period (well if I was a "true" 28-days it would have been the 3rd, but I have never been a "true" something-days in quite a long long time). Now, most women would have immediately went out and got a pregancy test, but me on the other hand, NOPE. Reason, well, various, but I think the biggest one is my mind says "oh, no come on, you aren't pregnant - look how long you have been off the pill and nothing" and then my heart says "well, this could be the "one". Guess who wins out --- my MIND, UGH. So, I just wait till I get my period and chalk up these symptoms to waiting for my period to arrive. The one strange thing that I have been experiencing the last 2 days is - numbness/tingling in my finger tips these last two mornings, which I find so weird and alittle distrubing because I have never had anything like this before.

I am trying my best to get myself into a "better place", especially since it is Fridays and I normally "love" Fridays. If you ask anyone I work with, do they see a difference in me this week, they would say "no" because I am the type of person that could "hid" the way I am feeling very well, especially at work. I go into this what you call "work" mode - all professional and such. Concentrate on what needs to get done and push my feelings aside. I feel bad for E though, because watch out when I get home it all comes out - so moody and tired. He knows I am not feeling well, but doesn't know the exact details. I just can't seem to go there with him. He just doesn't understand all these things women go through regarding hormones and such. I have a hard time articulating these feelings to him as well, so I just tend to deal with them myself. I never tell him even if I am thinking I might be pregnant because I just don't want him to start worrying or feeling anything especially if it isn't true. I really think E is on the fence about children. When we met (I was 34) and he would talk about wanting a family and I, on the other hand, would say to him things like "not now", "we have time", "not in this house-we need bigger", "financially it won't work", etc. I think back now on all that and wish so hard I wasn't in that mind set back then. After the miscarriage in 2004, I truly think E thought well, we just won't have children and because I never explained to him that the miscarriage didn't mean we couldn't have children, it was my doing to immediately go back on the "pill" - a way of coping - weird as that may sound - I felt we needed to go on with our lives, it just wasn't meant to be. I put "children" on the back burner for both of us and I just didn't talk about it. The pain was too great for me and I think for E as well. We just pushed it aside for almost 3 years! When we revisited it back in 2007, it was me deciding for us, I brought up the subject for a variety of reasons - we need to have a family - we weren't getting any younger, we have no family here in PA and if we are planning to stay here - we need to create our own family and he agreed with that. The problem was we tried for 6 months and nothing and by that time, we made the decision to move due to my Mom's failing health and our lives in PA not turning out they way we wanted them (missing my family/friends so much). This became our main focus and we both knew that the timing for a child wasn't right then (we were giving up jobs and our own home) to go back to CT to live in a rental and live off our savings until one or both of us got a job. It seems like there is always something going on in our lives that changes our focus on the subject of family. I think "fear" has alot to do with it too...fear that we won't be able to handle a child...fear that we won't be able financially to give a child what he/she deserves...fear that we will be giving up everything about our lives that we have known for the past 8 years...fear that we will be force to continue to rent versus own a home again and of course, my biggest fear...that I won't be able to make it to full-term - I will miscarry again. I could keep going but those are the top ones.

I am going to end this with a daydream I had driving home the other day from work - we live in a suburban (family) type of area with large/expensive homes. I try to envision what families living in these homes are like and what that would life look like for E and I (if) we could have a home in this area. At that moment, I got a very vivid picture of a baby (our baby) and that baby was cooing and smiling and I could "literally" smell that wonderful baby smell so clear and my thought at that moment was "pure joy".

1st Week Down - Many More to Go....

2010-02-26T13:11:00.000-05:00

Well, here is an update on how my "new" morning exercise routine is going - Mon-Thursday - 30 minutes on the treadmill...woo hoo. Next, the 8:8oz ratio of liquids - Mon-Friday - reaching that goal on a daily basis...woo hoo. Next, eating healthier - well, here is where I am struggling. Most of my breakfast and lunches Mon-Fri are healthy choices, but it is the dinner and after dinner part that isn't as healthy. For example, last night after stopping at the supermarket to pick up a few things because of the impending snowstorm, I arrived at home about 6 p.m. and started to make a homemade pizza out of a whole wheat dough I had frozen several weeks ago. Used jarred sauce and fresh mozzerella cheese with pizza spices. I made it on a square cookie sheet which I then cut pieces into 6 squares from that. So, E and I both got 3 pieces and of course, I ate all 3 - I was feeling very hungry/tired and I think that is my problem! I do good with quantity at breakfast and lunch, but by the time the evening rolls around - I am HUNGRY!!! Luckily, last night I went to bed around 9 p.m., so I had my usual hot cup of tea with alittle coffee creamer and one piece of chocolate from my V-Day box - yes, it is still around and it has only 4 pieces left!

So, if I can just work on the dinner and after dinner part of my day, I think I will be able to achieve my goal. I want to atleast lose the 6 lbs, I put back on since last summer to be gone by late May of this year when we are ready for our trip to Arizona. If I keep that as my target goal...something to focus on...I know I will succeed!

Yes, we did get a snowstorm overnight-about 4-5 inches this morning when I left for work (no, my office didn't close this time), but it has continually snowed since I left for work, but on the lighter side. My boss came in to my office about an hour ago...asked how my commute in was and said just watch the weather outside and if things pick up, let her know if I want to leave. She is so nice. I really don't think at this point, I would leave early, but I will watch from the outer offices who have windows every now and then to see what it is like outside. E went to work - his place didn't close either and he has a big truck and only works 5-7 minutes from our home.

Now I am finishing up the rest of the 2 fish tacos I got downstairs yesterday for lunch. The fish is tapolia which I really love and I am glad I decided yesterday to not ate the whole thing and save this portion for today. I like to do that if I order the full size portions downstairs in our cafe.

Plans for the weekend - E has a side job to do tomorrow morning, so I think I will hung around the house for the day (I have been doing that alot on Saturdays lately...cleaning the house and catching up on stuff while he is away). On Sunday, we have been invited to my Aunt's house for a gathering of my side of the family with my cousins. I am looking forward to seeing all of them, it has been awhile. I am also going to bring some photo album that I nab last weekend from my Dad's house along with me. My brother and sister-in-law will be there as well.

Also, I was suppose to have the polypsonogram done this afternoon, but I rescheduled it yesterday due to the impending snowstorm - now it will be the March 26th. I don't think another month is going to make a big deal and hopefully the weather will be alot better by then as well.

Beginning of My New Routine...

2010-02-22T12:59:00.000-05:00

So, I got up 45 minutes earlier this morning and jumped onto the treadmill for 30 minutes before heading off to work this morning. This is the start of my new morning routine. I did fairly well on my increased intake of liquids since last Friday. Friday was very good - got in 7 1/2 out of 8; Saturday was 4/5 out of 8 and Sunday was 4 out of 8 (I am finding the weekends are more difficult); maybe because I am more stationery at work then at home. As far as eating healthier, more difficult on the weekends then during the week. Over the weekend I felt very hungry and tired on Saturday (us, old farts went to bed at 9 p.m., LOL) wanted anything and everything that was sweet and chocolate, so had a couple pieces of chocolate from my valentine heartbox - Russell Stover and a small bowl of Baked Cheese Puffs. Lunch was Mac 'n Cheese from the box...ate the whole thing too-not good. Dinner was a pasta with creamed spinach and tomatoes with chili casserole - ate 2 bowls of that. On Sunday, we went out for breakfast at one of my favorite places back in my hometown...had scambled eggs with a beef empanada on top with homemade hash brown on the side. I did get the hollande sauce on the side and didn't put much of it on (not one of my favorite sauces). No lunch, but did have a half of a honey-glazed poppyseed horn from a bakery. Dinner was homemade burger with sweet onion on a hoagie roll with bread 'n butter pickles, ketchup and some gorgonzola cheese with a side salad with low-fat honey mustard dressing.

Now back at work on Monday, apple with cheese for breakfast with 12oz hot tea; lunch is grilled shrimp with black beans, avocado, corn and tortilla chips on a bed of lettuce with chipotle salad dressing from our cafetaria and boy, is it delicious (only got a half because they made a BIG salad!).

We did accomplish our taxes on Turbo Tax and sent them in via e-file, so we were very proud of ourselves (1st time in our whole time together we have done our own taxes). Getting back a good size refund. Maybe some of this money will be used for our trip to Arizona in late May. Still working on the actually dates and timeframe and what we want to do with his parents while we are out there visiting (go to LV??).

My goal is to have shred some pounds (I would say at least the 6lbs I put back on and hopefully more) by the time this trip comes. I want to feel good about my body in my warm weather clothing too, cause the temps in Arizona at that time could very well be in the 90's.

Water, Water Everywhere....

2010-02-19T10:35:00.001-05:00

Catchy title...well, it is the way my brain needs to think now. Yesterday, I was able to do 7 cups of liquid (in various versions, hot tea, cold tea and crystal lite) by the time the day ended. Not too shabby for the first day. The good thing is that I always start my day off with a 12 oz tumbler of hot tea. So, I am going to really try and focus on getting the 8:8 ratio of liquids today.

E stay home today from work. He said he needed a mental health day and I don't blame him. He has been working very hard at his full-time job (6:30 a.m. - 4 p.m.) plus his side jobs (1-2 a week) and going to school one evening a week from (6-9 p.m.). I am so proud of him.

Nothing terribly exciting on tap for this upcoming weekend. We really need to sit down together tomorrow (after he does his side job in the morning) and start working on our taxes. Also, on Sunday we plan on to go to Cohen's Optical to see about getting E a new pair of frames. His frames split on him earlier this week and luckily he still had his old pair of glasses stashed away to wear but the lens are very scratched.

Also, we might be planning a trip out to see his Dad and step-mom in late May (they lived in Arizona). I have been researching airline packages to see if maybe going to Las Vegas would be a wiser decision and having them drive to see us there and stay over.

Ok, gotta get back to work now, the boss is lurking around my office door, LOL...

Last Year At This Time...

2010-02-18T10:43:00.003-05:00

Well, last year at this time I had started an exercise routine/watching what I ate and by June I had lost 15lbs. My clothes were fitting so much better and I was able to fit into some that I hadn't worn in a couple of years as well. Then in July/August, E and I decided we need to move so we spent most of our extra time going to see rental properties, so my exercise routine took the "hit". I started out doing it 4-5 days a week for 45 mins to an hour, treadmill with weights plus weight bench in between. When August rolled around, it had decreased to 2 days at week (if I was lucky) and then in mid-August we found a place and started packing up our stuff to move by September 14th.

We have a room in our place now, dedicated to exercising (we even got rid of our extra guest bed in order to have this). It has our treadmill and weight bench in it with a small tv, so you would think that since we have been in our new place now for almost 5 months, I would get my butt into that room on a "regular" basis and start up this routine again, but nope. I have been on that treadmill a total of about 10 times since we moved in. I can easily say, it was work (I was extremely busy during the months of Sept-Dec.) and then it was Fall/Winter come with all the holidays like Thanksgiving and Xmas, which is all true, but I got plain lazy is really the truth. I had done a week of working out 3 mornings back in November by getting up 30 minutes earlier than my alarm was suppose to go off. I thought by doing it in the morning and getting it over with it would work better than doing it after work in the evening when all I want to do is come home, cook dinner and then relax (I still believe mornings is best). Also, in December, I picked up a new hobby, knitting, so that has keep me very busy in the evenings/weekends when I am home. I absolutely love my new hobby and have already made 3 scraves and I am working on my 4th right now.

So, with all the above said, I have gained back 6 of the 15 lbs I lost last year. My clothes are getting tighter and I am not happy with this at all, so I have decided it is time to get serious (again) about working out and watching what I eat. The watching what I eat isn't that hard for me, because I, presently, do make sure that I eat a balanced diet. The problem I do have is the in-between meals times, where if I know there is chocolate in my desk drawer or in the cabinet at home, I will go for a piece or two. I will not give up sweets totally because I feel that will be the "demise" of me failing at this. Everything is ok in moderation is my motto. If you deprive yourself of all the good tastes in life, forgot it...you will fail.

My plan is to start documenting my exercise routine and eating here on this blog. I didn't intend for this blog to turn into a "weight loss journal", but I also feel that this is a part of my life (that I have struggled with for many years). I have always felt that putting things down in "pen" makes me feel accountable as well. Starting on Monday, 2/22, I will begin an exercise routine along with eating smaller portions and healthier choices. I also want to incorporate more drinking of water into my daily routine as well. I find this more difficult in the colder months than warmer. Starting today, I have brought into work a 16oz DD tumbler that was given to me and I am going to work myself up to the (8:8 rule, which is 8 eight oz cups of water) a day with water and crystal lite flavored packs. On my 2nd one now at 1:55 p.m. Stay tuned....

Valentine's Weekend....

2010-02-12T16:26:00.000-05:00

This Sunday is Valentine's Day and I have shared the last 8 1/2 of them with E. For many years before meeting E, I wasn't one for Valentine's Day because it is viewed as a "couples" holiday and I was "single" during most of those years even though in my early 20's while living at home with my parents, my Mom would give me chocolates for V-Day - I think she felt bad that I didn't have a sweetheart at that time. I thought it was nice but I wanted it to be from a "man", but now that I am much older and wiser I really understood why she did it so much more now. I miss her thoughtfulness so much.

By the time our first V-Day came, we had been in our relationship almost 7 months and I had basically started living there (officially I moved in with all my stuff in April) and I was so so excited about Valentine's Day. I remember the beautiful red roses and of course, the wonderful card (which I still have...I have kept all our cards to each other over the years). I don't remember if we went out for dinner or one of us made a special dinner, but either way that was the beginning of "not dreading" Valentine's Day anymore. Since then some V-Days have been more memorable than others, depending on what is going on in our lives at those times.

This V-Day weekend, I have decided to stop at Carvel to get one of those V-Day ice cream cakes...I have been dreaming of having one for quite awhile now probably because I haven't had one in years. It was the kind of cake I always would ask for when I was young for my birthday parties. There is nothing like those chocolate cookie bits...yummy! I plan to make dinners for us this weekend. I have picked out 2 recipes to make over the weekend from the Pillsbury website....so off to the supermarket I go as well.

I also want to say how blessed I feel to have E in my life. There were times in my past that I really thought I would be single for the rest of my life. I met E when I was 34 years old and had been living on my own since 26. He is my first thought in the morning and last thought at night. We have been through alot in these 8 1/2 years together, but I won't have wanted anyone else along for the ride beside me.

In Pennsylvania in 2003 at Jillian's (where E worked)

Us at my brother's House in 2004

Us in Atlantic City, NJ in 2003-04

Announcement of Engagement - Dec. 2003

At My Niece's Wedding in 2003

At Tyler State Park in Newtown, PA in 2003, soon after we moved there.

So far so good...

2010-02-11T10:48:00.001-05:00

Well, my office, surprisingly, closed due to the snowstorm yesterday, so my decision was made for me. We probably got between 6-10 inches. We don't shovel our driveway, it is way way too long and gravel plus we share the beginning part with another neighbor so in turn we share the cost of a plowing service as well. E and I both went out around 8 p.m. last night and got to work pulling the snow off our vehicles and then E made a nice path to both of them as well. It was that wet heavy snow that sticks to your brush...so frustrating after a while to keep banging that brush to get the snow loose...UGH. My fingers were so COLD even with my fleece gloves on that when I took off my gloves my fingers were RED and boy did they hurt. I ran them under hot water from the sink and then made a nice hot cup of tea to warm me up.

I got my results back from my bloodwork this morning...everything is normal said the doctor's assistant. I am taking that to say my hormone levels (LH and FH, I believe) are doing what they are suppose to do - which means I am still ovaluting. Now, I have to go in on the 26th to have a sonohysterogram for a polyp that was seen during my pap. I am alittle nervous about the procedure but from what I have read it is very common and doesn't take long. The doc. assistant's said she will call me a few days ahead to see where I stand with my period and if they will prescribe some meds to open up my cervix so it won't be uncomfortable. I have read that this maybe the reason I am not getting pregnant...we will see what the doc. says after the procedure.

Well, not much more to say, except I am looking forward to a long weekend (Monday is a holiday and my office is closed). V-Day is Sunday as well. E got invited to a Nascar party at a friend's house, but I don't think he plans to attend...he isn't really into Nascar. I purchased a card last weekend for E and planning on getting a ice cream (ummm, Carvel) cake, hopefully shaped as a heart for us. Not sure if we will go out for dinner...we shall see. We need to work on our tax return this weekend. First time we are attempting to do it ourselves with Turbo Tax...wish us luck!

Different Strokes for Different Folks....

2010-02-09T10:57:00.000-05:00

Not sure if the "title" of this post is what I am looking to say, but here goes. I have had this way of feeling since my mid 20's back when I worked for at my first big corporation. I had single coworkers, married coworkers and then the married with child(ren) coworkers. Now in fairness you would think that everyone would be treated the same, right, but I have seen and felt this for the past 15 years of working that there is a difference. I started out myself as a "single" and back in my 20's and earlier 30's, I felt ok with that status, most of the time and then when I moved into the "married" category in my mid 30's, I was feeling pretty happy there as well. But I have never achieved the category of "married" with child(ren) (yet)...this makes me sad at times. Let me step back a bit to the "single" category, when I worked as an admin. assistant for a benefits consulting firm with over 300 people. I reported to 3 consultants at that time and worked with approx. 15 other admin. assistants on my floor. This job was very challenging and had a "seasonal" flow to it where we, as assistants, were expected to work long hours along with our consultants. I remember working till 1 a.m. at times. The workflow was set-up by way that if your consultant had a big project that required overtime, you needed to ask another assistant to help you out (always had to have 2 assistants for proofreading) or if you couldn't stay that evening, you needed to ask another assistant to stay for you and you would stay for her the next time. Well, I always felt since I was "single", what reason would I have that I couldn't stay, right? No husband or kids to go home too. The "married" or "married with kids" assistants always seemed to have a reason why they couldn't stay. So, majority of the time, I would stay when asked...boy, does grow old very quickly...UGH.

Then when I moved onto the "married" category in my mid-30's, I finally felt like I could say "no" to overtime because I had a husband to go home to and that felt really good after all the years of having to say "yes". But, even then, at some places, the "married" category didn't make a difference in that work arena...it was like "so what you are married and have a husband now", we all do and we do overtime because we don't have "kids". So, I begin to feel like I was falling backwards into that "single" category again.

Now I am at a workplace with a majority of women on staff, some with kids and some without. I still feel like I am backsliding and never really have achieved that "royal" status of "I have a good and solid excuse for not being able to work overtime or come in late or not at all today...my child(ren)". Also, now that laptops are available in most workplaces, there is this "I am working from home" status that is allowed, but only seems to be available to those higher level positions or on a case by case basis. In my current job, I am no longer an admin. assistant and have no direct responsibilities to someone...my job is more self-contained and I run my own ship, but majority of my work is done via a database system on our network. So, in order for me to "work from home" effectively I would need access to this database remotely, which for the past 2 years has been a "vague and not really discussed" issue in my dept. The funny part of the whole situation is that it isn't my boss that is opposed to this, it comes from HR. I have for the past 2 years done everything in my power so I won't need to approach the subject "work from home" - rearrange personal appts, stayed late, came in on a snow day, etc....but deep down inside this whole thing just rubs me the wrong way sometimes. I feel if I had a child...the whole subject would be much easier to talk about and justify. I have watched the women in my office with child(ren) work from home when their kids are sick, take off on a snow day (even when the office is open) when their kids are home from school, leave work early when their kids are sick at daycare, etc. It seems as long as the "kid" is involved, it is ok like it is an underlying fact that well what is an employer to do after all it is their employee's kid we are talking about here, right. But, what if I wanted to work from home due to snow...how is that "perceived"...I can bet NOT the same way.

So, with a pending snowstorm upon us here in the Northeast tomorrow, some of the above thoughts go through my mind. What is the expectation of a "married" with no child(ren) employee to her employer in these situations? Are there different strokes for different folks...I do believe so.

I love, love, love Fridays....

2010-02-05T10:05:00.000-05:00

Yes, I really, really do love Fridays. The prospect of another weekend ahead of not being on a schedule is so so appealing to me. The thoughts of switching off the alarm setting and sleeping in, eating a leisurely breakfast in my pj's, watching mindless tv in the morning while eating breakfast, getting dress in a pair of jeans or sweatpants and not having to answer to a higher authority during the hours of 9-5.

I have no "big" plans for this weekend, except on Sunday to have lunch out with my sister and sister-in-law and maybe do some shopping at TJ Maxx. I love, love shopping there. I am a bargain shopper and when I get the opportunity to do this type of shopping...I am in heaven. I am getting very low on this particular perfume that I wear (everyone loves the fragance when I wear it), so that will one of my purchases. Who knows what other good deals I will find as well.

E is going to his nephew's house in NY for a superbowl party on Sunday...I was invited, but I am the type of woman who if given the choice will pick lunch/shopping over a sporting event any day! I have never been any type of sports fan, never been to a stadium and don't plan out my day around watching them on tv. E isn't a big sports fan either, but if he is invited out to a party to watch with friends or family, he will go. I am so so fine with that. Plus then it gives me the best opportunity to have control over the remote myself at home, LOL!

I got my bloodwork done at the lab this morning around 8 a.m. before heading into work. The woman there was so so nice and took one look at my arm and asked me how blood has been taken before. I told her my veins in my arms are small and not very visible (as she could see), but the one on the top of my right hand is the one that has the biggest vein and that is where they usual end up. She said, well that is just where I am going to go and not even attempt the arm...she said, she likes to listen to her patients. I was very very pleased to hear this and that she wasn't the "hard headed" type that would ignore what I had said and still go for the arm. She took 2 virals and within 10 minutes I was out of there. Results will go right directly to my OB/GYN and they will call me. That is what I call "service"!

What a Great Way to Start My Day Off, but it Didn't Cost Me Much...

2010-02-04T11:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I was all dressed and ready to go to work this morning when I went out to warm-up my car to find my back driver side tire going low...UGH. Since we have only lived in this home for about 5 months now, I had to quickly think of a place around this area to get that tire checked. Back inside I went, to find a local phonebook (we had just received in the mail the other day) ended up at a Jeep/Dodge dealership not far from our house, so that is where I spent 1 1/2 hours this morning (I was smart in grabbing my knitting to work on while waiting). There was a screw hole in the tire, so they plugged it...hurray. I was sure I was going to need a brand new tire, but I walked out of there with only a $27 bill...woo hoo!

I did stop by E's work on the way, just to let him take a look at the tire and he agreed with me about going to the dealership. It was the first time I had been to his job and had to work through the factory of MEN...all eyes were upon me, LOL. I do totally get it though, when you work in a place that is mostly one sex - when the opposite sex walks in, staring happens. I have a similar situation where I work - mostly women here except one lonely guy. I think us women do it not so obvious though compared to men.

Anyway, I am at work now...boss is out at a meeting till 2 p.m. Don't feel much like working, which you can tell because I am writing on here, LOL. Planning on waking up early tomorrow morning to get my bloodwork done before coming in to work...oh joy! I have the type of veins that seem to know when I needle approaches. I just hope the person taking the blood has good aim...don't want to end up like a pin cushion, LOL.

We are expecting a 50/50 shot at a big snowstorm (up to 10 inches) here on Saturday. I am getting tired of the snow already, but I don't mind the staying inside part - relaxing and working on my knitting project. I think E has a side job to do that day - not far from home.

Winter Blues...Baby Blues

2010-02-03T12:15:00.000-05:00

Last night we had a visitor come and dump a blanket of white outside. E was so kind to have brushed my car off before he left for work around 6 a.m. I, on the other hand, was feeling mixed emotions this morning because I was greeted by another kind of visitor called "my friend" (that is what my Mom always called it back when I was in HS). Long overdue - been since November. Had taken at least 3 prego tests during this time - all negative, of course. Not sure why this happened, but doc. wants me to go get bloodwork done on Day 3 to see where my levels are. Funny thing how life plays out...I spent all my earlier years doing my best to "prevent" pregnancy with BC daily and now in the last 4 years have done everything to not prevent it, LOL. I go back and forth with my feelings about the possibility of being pregnant at my age. My doc. says my age is ok and that lots of women now a days are having babies at this stage in life. My own mother had me at this age in 1967 when the advancement of ultrasounds and etc. weren't present or actively used as today. I don't know if it is a good thing that we have the technology today and sometimes I wonder if my mom not knowing how things were going to turn out with me was better. I worry about all the things I hear...amino test for down-syndome, hypertension that can lead to pre-eclymsia, pregnancy induced diabetes - these things are much more common in pregnant women my age. My doc. and I had a serious talk back in December - wants me not to have any regrets - 10 years down the road. I just not sure if I want to lead my body down a road of all these unknowns to have a child. I guess, the first thing is to see about my levels and go from there. Looking back I wish I had not gone back on the BC so quickly after the miscarriage, but I was dealing with such raw emotions about the whole experience (should have probably talk to a therapist at that time) that I just didn't want to go through that again.

Why I am starting a Blog.....

2010-02-02T14:12:00.004-05:00

Well, I have been reading other people's blogs for almost a year now and finally decided that is was time to jump on in "head first" to this world of blogging. Not sure if some of my friends/family would think this is the "wise" choice to make, but I need an place where I can share my feelings and happenings in my life. I think this is the best way to capture all that, whether good or bad, down on paper (or should I say screen, LOL).

I am also feeling at this time in my life that I need to write down my true thoughts and feelings (almost all my family/friends have no idea about) and hope to connect with other women who are in similar stage of life as I - married and no kids (but trying). You will see from "blogs that I follow list" a pretty common theme of blogs I frequent - about children. Most are women are moms to "angel" babies (babylost moms) or women who have children that are sick. I have been down the road of miscarriage myself (but don't know anyone close to me that had a miscarriage and no children afterwards). Plus I have a great affection for children who are dealing with life-threatening illnesses. In so many ways, by reading these blogs I feel such great compassion for them and what they are dealing, I truly admire them.
Background on me and E, we met in 2001 on an on-line dating site and then moved in together 6 months later (into his house). In July 2003, sold his house and move to Bucks County, PA for a job opportunity for E. Spent first year living in a townhome rental. No job in my field for 8 months. In Nov. 2003, E lost the job we moved for, but got another one week later but with NO benefits. In Feb. 2004, had a miscarriage at 10 weeks - devastated, but went back on the BC. In April 2004, I got a job in working in a private school. Around this time, E decided to opened up his own business. In order for him to do this business, we needed a home. In August 2004, we purchased a home (an hour from our jobs). In Dec. 2004 we got married in Connecticut at B&B. In early 2005, E quit the full-time job to focus on his own business. In May 2006, a company contact E about consulting on a part-time basis for them. In July 2006, I got a job closer to home. In Feb. 2007, I went off BC for good. In July 2007, we realized we weren't happy in PA and back home in CT, my mom's health was failing, so in late Oct. 2007, sold our home and moved back to CT into a townhome rental without jobs. In Jan. 2008, I got a full-job in my field (45 minutes away). In April 2008, E decided to go back to school full time for a year long HVAC program (heating and cooling). On May 9, 2008, my mom passed away after a month and half stay in ICU. In April 2009, E graduated from HVAC with EPA certification and spent the next 6 months trying to get a job in that field - no such luck (economic hit this industry hard)...UGH. In Sept. 2009, we moved to a small house rental closer to my job and 3 weeks later E got a job (not in HVAC) at a manufacturing company (5 minutes from our home). Now, in Feb. 2010, E has decided to go back to school again, but this time on a part-time basis (evenings) for computer repair certification. We are both hoping at the end of this, there will be a well-paying job in his future.