It will always be there....
Things I am grateful for:
1. Sleeping well at night - I have never had a serious problem with this, but while my Mom was in the hospital in 2008 I had a really tough time "shutting down my brain", so I began taking a pain reliever with a sleep aid on and off. I continued to use them when I just couldn't shut down my brain, especially after the miscarriage last year, but in the last couple of months I haven't required them as frequently - which is a good thing!
2. The announcement of raises at work (a decent raise for me) plus an additional one time bonus of a couple thousand dollars from the board of directors at my organization...timing couldn't be more perfect for this as we just moved and had to put out monies for movers, fill the propane heater at the old rental before leaving, as per our lease agreement and the unknown bills that will come over the next month for this new rental.
3. My current health status - a very good friend of mine is awaiting a diagnosis of either Lyme disease or MS. She hasn't felt well for almost 2 weeks now and has been in and out of the hospital multiple times and still no firm diagnosis. She will be going for more tests this coming week.
E's b-day was last Sunday and we celebrated on Saturday night with a nice dinner out to one of his favorite restuarants in the area. We had a nice table in the corner, he had a steak and I had cod with crabmeat stuffing and a shrimp cocktail (which I couldn't finish so we took them home for kitties - Dora love it, Puddin not so much). So, while we were waiting for our meal, a couple with a 3 year old little girl sat down across the way from us. The little girl was tired and cranky and the Dad was trying his best to calm her down while the Mom was saying her hellos to the staff at the restuarant. Come to find out she use to work there and now lives in California - it wasn't hard to hear this as they all talking loud. Anyway, after a bit, E turned to me and said "it makes him feel like we are missing out on having a child". I gulped and said, "we will always feel like this, but we have to look on the positive side of things like tonight's dinner - it was on the fly that we decided to come tonight versus tomorrow...that is very hard to do with a child especially when they are young".
What E expressed at dinner that night are all the feelings I was dealing with all last year on a daily basis and it was just making me sad and depressed. I have gotten to a place now, where I don't want to return to that. So, it was alittle of a surprise when he bought it up and took me back a bit, but I have moved on in my mind and in my heart, even though at times the heart is harder. He knows this and I will always continue to share my feelings with him. He knows the facts and what we would be up against. We will always have these kinds of conversations from time to time and it will still sting (no doubt about it), but I am determined to not have it hurt like hell the way it did last year.
I truly believe God has a plan for E and I - there are reasons why things happen the way they do in life. We might not like that, but I have learned to accept both the good and the bad in the plan.
1. Sleeping well at night - I have never had a serious problem with this, but while my Mom was in the hospital in 2008 I had a really tough time "shutting down my brain", so I began taking a pain reliever with a sleep aid on and off. I continued to use them when I just couldn't shut down my brain, especially after the miscarriage last year, but in the last couple of months I haven't required them as frequently - which is a good thing!
2. The announcement of raises at work (a decent raise for me) plus an additional one time bonus of a couple thousand dollars from the board of directors at my organization...timing couldn't be more perfect for this as we just moved and had to put out monies for movers, fill the propane heater at the old rental before leaving, as per our lease agreement and the unknown bills that will come over the next month for this new rental.
3. My current health status - a very good friend of mine is awaiting a diagnosis of either Lyme disease or MS. She hasn't felt well for almost 2 weeks now and has been in and out of the hospital multiple times and still no firm diagnosis. She will be going for more tests this coming week.
E's b-day was last Sunday and we celebrated on Saturday night with a nice dinner out to one of his favorite restuarants in the area. We had a nice table in the corner, he had a steak and I had cod with crabmeat stuffing and a shrimp cocktail (which I couldn't finish so we took them home for kitties - Dora love it, Puddin not so much). So, while we were waiting for our meal, a couple with a 3 year old little girl sat down across the way from us. The little girl was tired and cranky and the Dad was trying his best to calm her down while the Mom was saying her hellos to the staff at the restuarant. Come to find out she use to work there and now lives in California - it wasn't hard to hear this as they all talking loud. Anyway, after a bit, E turned to me and said "it makes him feel like we are missing out on having a child". I gulped and said, "we will always feel like this, but we have to look on the positive side of things like tonight's dinner - it was on the fly that we decided to come tonight versus tomorrow...that is very hard to do with a child especially when they are young".
What E expressed at dinner that night are all the feelings I was dealing with all last year on a daily basis and it was just making me sad and depressed. I have gotten to a place now, where I don't want to return to that. So, it was alittle of a surprise when he bought it up and took me back a bit, but I have moved on in my mind and in my heart, even though at times the heart is harder. He knows this and I will always continue to share my feelings with him. He knows the facts and what we would be up against. We will always have these kinds of conversations from time to time and it will still sting (no doubt about it), but I am determined to not have it hurt like hell the way it did last year.
I truly believe God has a plan for E and I - there are reasons why things happen the way they do in life. We might not like that, but I have learned to accept both the good and the bad in the plan.
I am glad you two can talk openly... these things are so hard to share, it's easier to just shove them under the rug.
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