Recent Thoughts...
This month would have been my due date month (sadly, I never knew the actual date). I would have had a 2 year old running around our house right now. I can't even imagine that would be like right now, but it does bring up lots of thoughts in my head and I sometimes find myself in the bathroom staring into the mirror and questioning myself - should I have pushed harder right after the miscarriage with my OB/GYN to try different types of medical intervention? Did I miss an opportunity because I was such in a state of grief? Should I have searched harder for different RE?
But, when I look around at my life now since that time there is a voice in my head that says "would you really want it differently" and my inner voice answers "no". I have come such a long way from 2 years ago. The life that E and I have now is so different and better in a lot ways. Financially speaking we are doing so much better now. E going back to school for almost 3 years, was so financial draining on us and it would have continued to be if he decided to go on. He was focused on his studies and rightfully so that his part-time income from his side business wasn't there. Now, that he runs a full-time business (which is now an LLC) this has made a world of difference for us. I was continuously worried about money and paying our bills...we basically lived on my paycheck and some savings. Another thing that has changed is my job for the past year which is worlds apart in stress levels and office politics from my previous one. To be able to truly say "I love my job" is so freeing. The amount of time that I have gain in my life due to my flexible work schedule and to be able to do with as I choose is such a gift - a selfish one in that - but I absolutely look forward to it on a daily basis. Do I always do something purposeful (like cleaning the house, making dinner, paying bills) with that time...hell no! Does knitting, playing on my kindle, reading a book, going shopping, eating out qualify as purposeful? No, but I wouldn't be able to do all these things on a daily basis with a 2 year old running around.
I am content with my life. I am happy in my marriage to E and so looking forward to our future together. When I get the opportunity to go and see the kids at the school I work at for at an assembly, my heart just swells and I realize that although I don't have my own child, these children are a blessing in my life.
But, when I look around at my life now since that time there is a voice in my head that says "would you really want it differently" and my inner voice answers "no". I have come such a long way from 2 years ago. The life that E and I have now is so different and better in a lot ways. Financially speaking we are doing so much better now. E going back to school for almost 3 years, was so financial draining on us and it would have continued to be if he decided to go on. He was focused on his studies and rightfully so that his part-time income from his side business wasn't there. Now, that he runs a full-time business (which is now an LLC) this has made a world of difference for us. I was continuously worried about money and paying our bills...we basically lived on my paycheck and some savings. Another thing that has changed is my job for the past year which is worlds apart in stress levels and office politics from my previous one. To be able to truly say "I love my job" is so freeing. The amount of time that I have gain in my life due to my flexible work schedule and to be able to do with as I choose is such a gift - a selfish one in that - but I absolutely look forward to it on a daily basis. Do I always do something purposeful (like cleaning the house, making dinner, paying bills) with that time...hell no! Does knitting, playing on my kindle, reading a book, going shopping, eating out qualify as purposeful? No, but I wouldn't be able to do all these things on a daily basis with a 2 year old running around.
I am content with my life. I am happy in my marriage to E and so looking forward to our future together. When I get the opportunity to go and see the kids at the school I work at for at an assembly, my heart just swells and I realize that although I don't have my own child, these children are a blessing in my life.
This is such a lovely post.
ReplyDelete