4 Years Ago Today, I Miscarried for the Second and Final Time

As I read back over the post from this day four years, I think to myself wow, that woman was so broken. I can feel the deep pain in my words written in these posts for days, weeks and months afterward. It is almost like reading about someone else life compared to where I am now. I have grown so much in these last 4 years that I no longer am defined by the fact of never being a mother. I don't think in those terms anymore - it is not a consistent thought on my mind. I spent some many years from age 36-43 trying so desperately to achieve motherhood - 8 years of my life was that mission. Hoping and praying that one day it would result in a pregnancy that would "stick" to get me to that ultimate goal of holding a baby in my arms. I would have so many dreams about that day throughout these many years. Dreaming of the true american dream of having a family. Having a "little" person call me Mommy and seeing parts of both E and I in that person.

I went thru the countless months of grief - the "why me" and the "what did I do to deserve this fate"? Looking and hoping for the "answer" which would never come. Wondering if it was something in my past that I did to make this journey to motherhood so impossible. At times, kicking myself for waiting till 36 years old to try and saying why didn't E and I start immediately after we met - still unmarried and living together - would it have been so awful in other people's eyes? Would it have truly made the difference in the outcome - maybe more miscarriages and heartbreak?

But in the end, after working through all of this, I have come to realize that life has its own path and things do happen for a reason (though at the time we don't understand why). We all have wishes, hopes and dreams for ourselves but sadly, for most, not all of them will come true. We can, however, learn from these disappointments and take our lives and shape them into something positive. It was a very tough journey for me to get to this point of finding the good and the positive in my life, but I am thrilled now to say that I am finally at peace with not being a mother. I never thought I would get to this point and be able to say this without feeling sad and depressed.

I can truly look at myself in the mirror these days, and say I am content with the person I am. I am stronger, more patient, wiser and so much more aware of the fact that you can't always plan everything out and expect it to be reality. Life doesn't work that way. I use to never be "ok" with that, but now I am learning to be.