My Mom - Gone 4 Years Today and Grief

Today is 4 years since my Mom's passing. I so miss her each and every day. My Mom's wishes were to be cremated and we did as she wished. Her ashes are in a ceramic piece that she loved every much proudly displayed on a shelf in my parent's house. My sister and I have talked over the past 4 years about what to do with the ashes as time goes on (my Mom didn't express anything particular to be done with them afterwards). We have talked about getting pendants to put some of the ashes in for each of us to wear, I did at one time shortly after her passing look into these, but haven't in awhile. We have also have talked about when my Dad passes (he also wants to be cremated) to take a ride up to Vermont (where we spent as a family spent alot of our vacations and where my parents had a fondness for - my dad even wanted to moved there at one point in time, but Mom didn't want to leave CT) and spread them somewhere there. We continued to have these conversations to this day. I am sure once my Dad passes that it will become more of a final decision than now. It is such a hard thing to think about and go thru the motions and knowing that once it is made - it is final and done with it. Will we have regrets if we don't keep them with us, I can't say at this time. Maybe it would be best to do alittle of both - get the pendants and spread the ashes over in Vermont? These decisions are so tough to make. I already have a few regrets of how we handled her clothing shortly afterwards - we donated the good stuff and throw out the worn. Some days, I want it all back. I have one piece that I touch and wear everyday - her bathrobe and it brings me comfort. It is worn and not at all my favorite color (grey), but even when I think of or see a bathrobe in the stores that I like, my thought always goes back to hers and I just can't bring myself to think of replacing it (yet). It is definitely that emotional pull that keeps me from making any kind of permanent decision. I can so understand how some people don't let anything go from their love one. I know there are parents whose children have died and they leave their bedrooms exactly like it was when they were alive. I believe it is the only thing we have left of them that is tangible, something we can hold on it. It is the same with the things I gathered for our first pregnancy (when I had no thought or fear of miscarriage - unlike our second pregnancy). I have gone thru this box millions of times, thinking well, this might be the time I can part with things. But no matter how much time has gone by, I still can't bring myself to part with it - again it is the only thing that is tangible. I will always have the memories in my head, but these things I can hold, feel and touch. Grief is a "quirky" thing when you think about it. It affects people in so many different ways. It comes over you at times when you least expect it and in some ways, makes you feel "one" with that person or situation - a very personal thing.