Another Year...Tomorrow's My B-Day
Well, what can I say, tomorrow I will 43 years old (around 11 p.m, don't know the exact time from my birth certificate). I have to say that the last 2 years, I haven't been thrilled about my birthday arriving. I guess it happened around the time my Mom passed away on May 7, 2008, the same month as my birthday. I just couldn't celebrate my birthday in the same way as I had in the past. I was still in a state of numbness and grief from the whole ordeal of her passing (1 1/2 months in the hospital - hoping and praying she would get better, maybe even come home...then watching her decline more and more - never getting up out of that hospital bed, continuously on the ventilator - some days levels were good and other bad, then surgery for a tach and a feeding tube giving her some nourishment). Then her request to "die". It was all so so much to endure at that time, I think I was on auto pilot and not really thinking about what this all would mean for my future. She would be gone from my life forever and since that time, my birthday just isn't the same. My Mom had such a special way of making my birthdays seem so very very special especially when I was young. There weren't many years when I didn't have a birthday party and there definitely wasn't years without presents. As I grew older, she still would make it special...the birthday card would always be there, a birthday cake, a phone call to say "happy birthday" and even times she would send some kind of gift. In the end, it isn't about the cards and presents, but just knowing my Mom never forgot my birthday. What I wouldn't give to see her say "Happy Birthday, Jen" and wrap her arms around me and kiss my cheek...boy, I miss that so so much.
This year is even more emotional for me...thinking back 2 months ago I thought I was going to be a Mom myself and I thought wow, this 43rd birthday will be something really special to celebrate. Now, I just look at that number and just want to cry and say "I can't believe I am 43, where did the time go and why can't I turn back the clock to have more time". I know I can't change what has happened and only God knows the outcome might have been the same no matter how old I was. I might have been looking at the same end result. I know in my heart, that given a few more of those younger years, I probably would tempt fate and try again, but my mind/body currently just can't go there now. I don't know what the future holds (E plays the lotto, we could hit big - it would make things easier financially, we could explore more options to the advanced maternal woman, no added stress of working a full-time job, bigger house - you get the picture). It is a 1 in a million shot, I know but a girl can dream, right? I looked at this last pregnancy as a 1 in million shot...I truly didn't believe it could happen and at times, I think back to those early days in March when we first found out...it feels like I can't believe I went through that AGAIN. I guess I feel this way because it changes you...I know it has changed me. Most people would say "nope, she is the same", but it has changed me inside. You can't go through something like this and not be changed. It hardens you, it makes you question things more and it has an emotional impact on your soul.
So, for this year, it is doubly hard to look forward to my birthday tomorrow. My mom is gone and for now my hopes and dreams of motherhood are gone as well.
This year is even more emotional for me...thinking back 2 months ago I thought I was going to be a Mom myself and I thought wow, this 43rd birthday will be something really special to celebrate. Now, I just look at that number and just want to cry and say "I can't believe I am 43, where did the time go and why can't I turn back the clock to have more time". I know I can't change what has happened and only God knows the outcome might have been the same no matter how old I was. I might have been looking at the same end result. I know in my heart, that given a few more of those younger years, I probably would tempt fate and try again, but my mind/body currently just can't go there now. I don't know what the future holds (E plays the lotto, we could hit big - it would make things easier financially, we could explore more options to the advanced maternal woman, no added stress of working a full-time job, bigger house - you get the picture). It is a 1 in a million shot, I know but a girl can dream, right? I looked at this last pregnancy as a 1 in million shot...I truly didn't believe it could happen and at times, I think back to those early days in March when we first found out...it feels like I can't believe I went through that AGAIN. I guess I feel this way because it changes you...I know it has changed me. Most people would say "nope, she is the same", but it has changed me inside. You can't go through something like this and not be changed. It hardens you, it makes you question things more and it has an emotional impact on your soul.
So, for this year, it is doubly hard to look forward to my birthday tomorrow. My mom is gone and for now my hopes and dreams of motherhood are gone as well.
It seems inappropriate (and now a little late) to wish you a happy birthday. Instead I hope you had a peaceful day and I will wish you instead a very good year to come.
ReplyDeleteReading this broke my heart - I so wanted you to have it 'all' - how you define it. God does work in mysterious ways (sometimes not to our approval). I wish you peace honey!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I wish birthdays were less milestones and more of those fun, candle topped cake ones, where you look forward to voting or drinking. Instead, we stare at them like it's a doomsday countdown. I am also incredibly sorry for your losses. And my thoughts are with you.
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