My Niece is 7 Months Pregnant...

I know I haven't mentioned this before and I will explain why... First my niece, Stef and I aren't close. I have two other that I am close to, but due to circumstances in our lives we aren't. I saw her grow-up from a little child to a beautiful young high school girl on an almost monthly basis and then it stopped. My brother and her Mom went thru a rough divorced around that time. My brother had health issues he was dealing with, her Mom couldn't cope with my brother's health and left him in a bad financial state and in the end Stef went to live with her Mom. It hurts to think of all the time that has passed since then and that I have only seen her on occasion (she is now 33 years old, married with a 6 year old son). I did attend her wedding with my family and her baby shower for her son. I guess when I think about it I could have reached out more myself directly after the divorce, but I didn't. I just accepted the situation for what it was and went on with my own life. When I did see her, on occasion, over at my parents house she had become a very quiet and reserved young lady. It was very difficult to get her to talk and I am sure this had to do with the divorce and how her life was suddenly turned upside down (she and her Mom moved out of the house they shared with my brother). When she had her son, she did e-mail me on occasions to see if I would be around/at my parents house because she was going to be stopping by with her son. We were living in Pennsylvania at the time and I did make the effort to be there when she would drop by. I did though find it very hard to even attempt to rebuild our relationship as Aunt/Niece because so many years had gone by. Since we returned to our home state in 2007, I have only seen her about a handful of times and most of those were prior to my Mom passing away in 2008. I know she had a difficult time going up and seeing my Mom when she was in the hospital (I only heard this thru her Mom), but I am hurt that she doesn't seem to drop by anymore there even for my Dad and my sister. Now with Facebook, she does post on occasion what is going on in her life and this is how I found out about her pregnancy a few months back. I was alittle shocked for a couple of reasons: I personally don't believe in posting such a personal thing such as a pregnancy on Facebook, even though I know lots of people do it today. I find it sad that she didn't pick up the phone (she has my number) and tell me or my family (I had to inform my Dad and sister). Secondly, she had a very rough pregnancy with her son and I thought (and she had mentioned that one was it) she was done. Again, not being in her life and talking with her regularly she could have changed her mind or she might have been trying, but had difficulty in getting pregnant again. This would make me even more sad because if this is/was the case and we were talking, I would so understand and we could have bonded about this. It would have been nice for me to have someone in my life who understands - especially someone like a relative. I have thought a lot in the past few months about announcing her pregnancy here, but something was always holding me back. I think it was for a bunch of reasons: we aren't close and having to explain this. It might have been a coping mechanism for myself - to protect my feelings of someone close to me having a baby. She, also was only 3-4 months when she announced it and I hate to admit this but I was so scared for her - worried that she would miscarry. Putting my own experiences on her...sad that is where my thoughts often go when I hear of a pregnancy. Jealously, ya sure...I am human. Those thoughts of why her and not me. She has the same genes (well atleast half) as I...how the hell was she able to get and stay pregnant and I am not. Also, this pregnancy hurt more than the first for me. Her first with her son wasn't painful for me what so ever because I think at that time I still had a chance myself. This time, it has happened when that door has closed for me - it is so final. Now she is in her 7th month and I finally decided it was time and damn it, I should be telling this news happily, but sadly it is with mixed emotions on alot of levels. Will I get an opportunity to see this child, that I can't even tell you. The other day, she posted on Facebook that she was going in for her 7 month check-up with hopes of finding out the gender...as of today, there has been no further update. Do I wish for an opportunity to see this child - my grand niece or nephew? Yes and no. Deep down yes, it is family no matter what so in that respect I do. No because I fear the emotional side for me and I am so afraid of the attactment that might happen initally and then disappear that I will get my heart broken in the process.