Not Feeling Myself...
This week I just haven't been myself and due to this the exercise has taken a "back" seat...UGH. I only worked out on Tuesday morning this week and I am feeling so so guilty. The liquid intake is still going strong and the healthier eating is ok (I went downstairs to our cafe here at work twice this week to get their special - southwestern chicken on a wrap with bacon and chicken walnut salad on whole wheat bread). My appetite is funny these days, I have been feeling nauseous/tired/moody on and off all week. The nauseousness is no particular time of day either and it comes and goes pretty quickly as well. I am due for my period (well if I was a "true" 28-days it would have been the 3rd, but I have never been a "true" something-days in quite a long long time). Now, most women would have immediately went out and got a pregancy test, but me on the other hand, NOPE. Reason, well, various, but I think the biggest one is my mind says "oh, no come on, you aren't pregnant - look how long you have been off the pill and nothing" and then my heart says "well, this could be the "one". Guess who wins out --- my MIND, UGH. So, I just wait till I get my period and chalk up these symptoms to waiting for my period to arrive. The one strange thing that I have been experiencing the last 2 days is - numbness/tingling in my finger tips these last two mornings, which I find so weird and alittle distrubing because I have never had anything like this before.
I am trying my best to get myself into a "better place", especially since it is Fridays and I normally "love" Fridays. If you ask anyone I work with, do they see a difference in me this week, they would say "no" because I am the type of person that could "hid" the way I am feeling very well, especially at work. I go into this what you call "work" mode - all professional and such. Concentrate on what needs to get done and push my feelings aside. I feel bad for E though, because watch out when I get home it all comes out - so moody and tired. He knows I am not feeling well, but doesn't know the exact details. I just can't seem to go there with him. He just doesn't understand all these things women go through regarding hormones and such. I have a hard time articulating these feelings to him as well, so I just tend to deal with them myself. I never tell him even if I am thinking I might be pregnant because I just don't want him to start worrying or feeling anything especially if it isn't true. I really think E is on the fence about children. When we met (I was 34) and he would talk about wanting a family and I, on the other hand, would say to him things like "not now", "we have time", "not in this house-we need bigger", "financially it won't work", etc. I think back now on all that and wish so hard I wasn't in that mind set back then. After the miscarriage in 2004, I truly think E thought well, we just won't have children and because I never explained to him that the miscarriage didn't mean we couldn't have children, it was my doing to immediately go back on the "pill" - a way of coping - weird as that may sound - I felt we needed to go on with our lives, it just wasn't meant to be. I put "children" on the back burner for both of us and I just didn't talk about it. The pain was too great for me and I think for E as well. We just pushed it aside for almost 3 years! When we revisited it back in 2007, it was me deciding for us, I brought up the subject for a variety of reasons - we need to have a family - we weren't getting any younger, we have no family here in PA and if we are planning to stay here - we need to create our own family and he agreed with that. The problem was we tried for 6 months and nothing and by that time, we made the decision to move due to my Mom's failing health and our lives in PA not turning out they way we wanted them (missing my family/friends so much). This became our main focus and we both knew that the timing for a child wasn't right then (we were giving up jobs and our own home) to go back to CT to live in a rental and live off our savings until one or both of us got a job. It seems like there is always something going on in our lives that changes our focus on the subject of family. I think "fear" has alot to do with it too...fear that we won't be able to handle a child...fear that we won't be able financially to give a child what he/she deserves...fear that we will be giving up everything about our lives that we have known for the past 8 years...fear that we will be force to continue to rent versus own a home again and of course, my biggest fear...that I won't be able to make it to full-term - I will miscarry again. I could keep going but those are the top ones.
I am going to end this with a daydream I had driving home the other day from work - we live in a suburban (family) type of area with large/expensive homes. I try to envision what families living in these homes are like and what that would life look like for E and I (if) we could have a home in this area. At that moment, I got a very vivid picture of a baby (our baby) and that baby was cooing and smiling and I could "literally" smell that wonderful baby smell so clear and my thought at that moment was "pure joy".
I am trying my best to get myself into a "better place", especially since it is Fridays and I normally "love" Fridays. If you ask anyone I work with, do they see a difference in me this week, they would say "no" because I am the type of person that could "hid" the way I am feeling very well, especially at work. I go into this what you call "work" mode - all professional and such. Concentrate on what needs to get done and push my feelings aside. I feel bad for E though, because watch out when I get home it all comes out - so moody and tired. He knows I am not feeling well, but doesn't know the exact details. I just can't seem to go there with him. He just doesn't understand all these things women go through regarding hormones and such. I have a hard time articulating these feelings to him as well, so I just tend to deal with them myself. I never tell him even if I am thinking I might be pregnant because I just don't want him to start worrying or feeling anything especially if it isn't true. I really think E is on the fence about children. When we met (I was 34) and he would talk about wanting a family and I, on the other hand, would say to him things like "not now", "we have time", "not in this house-we need bigger", "financially it won't work", etc. I think back now on all that and wish so hard I wasn't in that mind set back then. After the miscarriage in 2004, I truly think E thought well, we just won't have children and because I never explained to him that the miscarriage didn't mean we couldn't have children, it was my doing to immediately go back on the "pill" - a way of coping - weird as that may sound - I felt we needed to go on with our lives, it just wasn't meant to be. I put "children" on the back burner for both of us and I just didn't talk about it. The pain was too great for me and I think for E as well. We just pushed it aside for almost 3 years! When we revisited it back in 2007, it was me deciding for us, I brought up the subject for a variety of reasons - we need to have a family - we weren't getting any younger, we have no family here in PA and if we are planning to stay here - we need to create our own family and he agreed with that. The problem was we tried for 6 months and nothing and by that time, we made the decision to move due to my Mom's failing health and our lives in PA not turning out they way we wanted them (missing my family/friends so much). This became our main focus and we both knew that the timing for a child wasn't right then (we were giving up jobs and our own home) to go back to CT to live in a rental and live off our savings until one or both of us got a job. It seems like there is always something going on in our lives that changes our focus on the subject of family. I think "fear" has alot to do with it too...fear that we won't be able to handle a child...fear that we won't be able financially to give a child what he/she deserves...fear that we will be giving up everything about our lives that we have known for the past 8 years...fear that we will be force to continue to rent versus own a home again and of course, my biggest fear...that I won't be able to make it to full-term - I will miscarry again. I could keep going but those are the top ones.
I am going to end this with a daydream I had driving home the other day from work - we live in a suburban (family) type of area with large/expensive homes. I try to envision what families living in these homes are like and what that would life look like for E and I (if) we could have a home in this area. At that moment, I got a very vivid picture of a baby (our baby) and that baby was cooing and smiling and I could "literally" smell that wonderful baby smell so clear and my thought at that moment was "pure joy".
Comments
Post a Comment