Oh, To Be Youthful Again...

As in all mornings during the workweek, I get on the elevator from the parking garage and head up to the 4th floor of the building where I work. Some mornings I am alone in the elevator and others I am not.  There are a number of other companies that work in this building as well and there is one particular company that has several floors of this building.  This company employs a number of young adults (early 20's) - seems like most are fresh out of college.  The last couple of weeks when I have rode up in the elevator with these young adults, particularly the females, I have definitely felt my age.  It seems alot of these young females dress in short skirts and/or rather revealing/tight clothing with their "oh so" thin bodies - here where my heart just sinks wishing to be thinner.  And when I listen to the conversations among them, especially if it is about a "hot" new tv show or a new music group, I definitely feel my age.  It hits me square in my face to realize that I am NOT as young as my mind thinks I am anymore.  I have nothing in common with this age group of people - have no clue what they are talking about, but in lots of ways I so envy them at the same time.  It seems like yesterday, I was the "young" one in the organization.  I remember people commented to me "oh, you are such a baby, you are so young" and thinking to myself boy, these people are old (this coming from 40-50 year olds).  I never gave it much thought to what it was going to be like being their age and here I am...UGH.  Lately, I am feeling that time isn't on my side anymore - feeling more aches/pains than I did 5-10 years ago, no desire to go out and live it up like before and realizing that my body just isn't responding or bouncing back as quickly as it did before.  It is all making me feel like I have no control what so ever anymore.

So, to feel like I have some control and try to get back to my former self again, I stopped taking my BCP this past weekend.  Like I said in my previous post (Unmotivated and Cranky), I just didn't like the way it was making me feel.  I could have held off and waited to see my doc. next week, but I felt it was going on too long as it was....no AF for 2 months now (no PG either) and just feeling so not myself...very hormonal - crying, angry, sad and not tolerating anything well at all.  Plus, the feeling of hunger was overwhelming at times - I am already feeling bad about my weight- who needs this side effect as well.  Just writing all this made me feel like I took off 20 pounds off my shoulders...phew.

I just want to find a "happy" place again.  I want my husband to have a job with a consistent paycheck, I want to purchase our own home again, I want to feel good in my own skin (maybe alittle "youthful")  and I would like to move forward with my life (most likely without a child) and be "ok" with that.